Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I disagree that there hasn’t been mil bashing. I quoted some - “faffy and fussy”. Def misogynistic tropes. OP herself has been rude and insulting about her MIL. I don’t see that MIL did anything wrong- she simply asked. Naught wrong with that she’s family. DH was in the wrong not to consult with OP and her fam before agreeing. I agree that post partem OP’s needs come first. (The vast majority of posters have a taken this stance and the vote is overwhelmingly YANBU).
I don’t agree that it’s ok to treat one’s MIL like an annoyance and inconvenience just for existing. She’s family , DH’s mother, and deserving of dignity , consideration and respect.

Op I'm so sorry you are going to through this stress.
Your dh should have been more aware of your feelings and asked you first... I'm sure it has been mentioned before but I would ask him to spend it with her in her house and you go to the your parents.
He has shown zero consideration for you or the baby or what you are about to go to through.. You need people around you that love you.

My fault - read about five pages then posted, but the thread was already sixteen pages long by then. I should have read all the OPs posts before replying.

I haven’t seen ( apologies if there is) anyone on here who thinks you should host at your place. I think the most people have said is is there not some way she could be included/ invited to something so that she isn’t just told get lost. To be honest I completely understand that you can’t host; as you say you may not be there. But I don’t really understand why your parents can’t offer to have her there. They aren’t going into labour. I know they are wanting it to be exclusive but can’t they put themselves out a little to take the pressure off you and DH at this time- esp as the reality is when that is the only invitation she has, she is more likely to decline and opt for her own side of the family anyway. But that way you have offered something perfectly reasonable ( given you may be indisposed) without having to let her say she was not included which might ( and let’s avoid discussion of should or shouldn’t ) create lasting tensions. It’s about finding the least confrontational way of prioritising your needs.

Like I said I agree with OP. I would've done what she has suggested.
I actually mean being sidelined in general not specifically at Christmas. I wouldn't expect to go Xmas day either. I think I'm just worried about my future that's all.

@Kirstymwh you most definitely aren't being unreasonable, you need to tell your DH to undo this right now and let his mother know she isn't able to come or you will do it yourself. your husbands priority should be your health and wellbeing as you'll either have just given birth or will be about to. Please ignore every single person writing about 'fairness' and 'treating grandparents the same' they are delusional. if life was fair women wouldn't have to go through pregnancy and childbirth whilst all men have to do is ejaculate! the offer of a boxing day visit is going above and beyond and I'd be telling my DH if he can't get his shit together he can spend christmas day alone with his mother! For the record I'm pregnant with a boy too and I won't be imposing myself on his future partner during her pregnancy and birth for sure. Your post birth plans are way more generous than mine.

My DIL is having a baby on 18th December. Our other 2 children are at their respective in-laws. So we are on our own. Are we upset? a bit, but I have to respect their decision and their lives. So we have booked a restaurant for the first time in our lives and we will be seeing them on Boxing Day.

I can totally understand why your MIL wants to see her latest Grandchild. However she has had other invitations and isn’t on her own. All I’m saying is put yourself first it’s very hard after you have just had a baby. You may feel very uncomfortable. Please don’t exclude MIL, though. Your MIL will be so excited and she won’t want to feel excluded take it from me xx

Mothers of sons do run that risk, for sure, more so than being a mother of a daughter/daughters.
Daughters want to see their own family, but not their husband's family- generally speaking.

Add a first grandchild in the mix AND Christmas and it all goes to pot!

{I've not got any GC's by the way}

I'm happy to spend Christmas with my dog- if son and his partner give me an invite, that's up to them.

I am completely with you, I'd be livid if my DH had done that, and if he goes back to her to say that actually it now doesn't work for her to come on Xmas Day, then it's going to look like it's only you who doesn't want her to come.

Is your DH usually like this?

I was born then, and my mum (who had a Casearean) wasn't up to doing anything Christmas-related. My dad cooked Christmas dinner, they had it at home alone and relatives came to see me Boxing Day and had picky bits and brought some of their own leftover food to share so they wouldn't impose. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I get they're excited but they're not the ones just given birth.

I'd be fucking raging too. Stand your ground. You'd say the same if it was your mum wanting to descend for the entire day.

OMG! She isn’t being told to ‘get lost’

She will be told something along the lines of ‘so sorry DH said it was fine for you to come to ours for Xmas. I don’t think he realised but as it’s so close to the due date, we are not making any firm plans. My parents have my sibling coming over for the first time in x years, so if I’m well enough and breastfeeding is going well we may go over there for food for a couple of hours. But it’s just all so up in the air, we are keeping plans very loose as I may just not be up to having visitors or going anywhere. I may still be in the hospital. We would love to see you once we know what is happening but we are not having visitors on Christmas Day this year. How about we make a loose arrangement for you to pop over for a couple of hours just before or after Xmas day and you can make sure you have a solid plan for Xmas day. Once baby is born we will have a better idea of things and we can think about the best time for you to visit properly to bond with GC’

Ops parents sound like they want to concentrate on op and her sister who lives abroad?

Ops dh should have merely said... I'm sorry mum but our plans are up in the air and we can't commit to anything at the moment

Without an invite or asking for actual practical help I just can't imagine foisting myself at Xmas on my dd who had just or could he in the process of giving birth??

Just read back through op’s comments. Where has she been ‘rude and insulting’ about her mil?

@billy1966

OP, be wary.

Your husband has completely disregarded your issues and gone straight to name calling you when you challenge him.

Huge red flag.

Agreed, it is not a great sign.

OP - is this name-calling and cluelessness out of character for DH? To give him the benefit of the doubt, he may just be concerned for his mum being lonely (as well as ignorant of the manners of inviting people to other people's houses for Christmas).

However, it does seem that he doesn't really understand what to expect. Have you or anyone else actually explained to him that you could be in bed for a week? Or best case, you need at least two or three days with him doing absolutely everything around the house and looking after you, while you essentially do nothing but look after baby?
And that for the first six weeks after baby arrives he will be more tired and busy than he has ever been in his life?

Or is he expecting you to just carry on with it while his life remains unchanged?

@Catsdogsfish
. Do you think you would be this selfish are you good at self reflection?

Do you think it's appropriate timing unless you offered to clean, cook and support the new mum??.

Definitely not being unreasonable. Those first 2 weeks with a new baby are unchartered territory and really full on. We flat refused to have any visitors for a few weeks to let us acclimitase and I will be doing the same thing this time for baby 2 (also due just before Xmas) with the exception of my mother staying to help look after DC1, who is very young. Going to visit your own parents, I imagine, you would feel comfortable if at the last minute you wanted to bail out, and also TBH if you're just feeling a bit of a mess and want to rock up unshowered and in your PJs if needed! But unless you are very close to your MIL (I sense you are not even if you get on well) you don't have the same ability to do whatever you need to. Your DH probably meant well for all involved but just did not think it through from your perspective - men aren't good at imagining the myriad discomforts you may experience post birth, even if they attended antenatal classes with you. I was actually in a very similar situation with ILs plus family planning on coming to visit a few days after the birth for DC2, and we mutually agreed it would be better for them to come a different time.

Grandparents are always keen to meet the new baby but they have no automatic right to dictate when that should be - pressurising new mums is a great way to set off PND. Don't be afraid to tell everyone what you need - being specific and assertive does not mean you are being unkind or unfair.

I have a DS and imagining this scenario in the future I would absolutely ask what they need. I’d offer for them to come to me so I can look after them, or go to them but do all the cooking and cleaning or stay away and give them space. I’d absolutely be thinking of them as first time parents. Not me as a grandparent.

@BeeDavis I've been a mum and also recently a MiL. I did not have a DM or MiL who imposed themselves over Christmas just after birth, thank the Lord, and have no intention of starting being one myself. The MiL in question has other alternatives but has refused staying with her daughter because she wants to see the baby for most of Christmas Day - not just popping in since she lives a ways away. And this despite the fact the mother to be doesn't know if she'll be in hospital. It is not a rejection for life - it is one day. And I can quite understand that she might feel more comfortable with her mum and the sister she hasn't seen for 3 years - I did and I know my DiL does. The OP's husband doesn't seem to understand the issues.

Yeah, and politely worded like that without talk of how dare she ask , OP is the priority etc ( and there HAS been plenty of that in this thread) I think that solution is fine too - my only query being is she going to feel so much up to it by the next day? Personally I’d ask my family to issue a gracious invitation that I’m guessing she’d decline.

Several posters have suggested OP host her MIL at her house, she has even been asked why she doesn't just knock up a quick buffet with no regard for the fact that she may be in hospital, exhausted or recovering from a difficult birth. Madness, since as you say she may not even be there.

OP has said that her parents don't really know MIL very well at all. This means that if OP isn't feeling well enough to go then it will be awkward for MIL (and for OP's parents) to spend the day in their home without OP or her DH. I understand where you're coming from, but I don't think this would actually "take the pressure off" OP, because it means that she will feel obliged to go to her DP's house for MIL's sake even if she really doesn't feel up to it.

Firstly congratulations on your baby boy, my daughter is also due Christmas Eve both sides of our families have made zero plans to see them around Christmas. We just don’t know what will happen. I am totally in agreement with you regarding your MIL. Your husband is being totally disrespectful calling you selfish.

I am following my daughters wants and needs it’s a shame that your husband and MIL can’t see your boundaries around what potentially might happen.

Now your baby could arrive today or tomorrow and by Christmas Day you could be in a much better place to have your MIL for Christmas Day.
Unless that happens I’m with you on this.

That’s if MIL accepts. If they really don’t know each other I don’t think it’s likely- and then OP has a bit more time to recover before they need to issue another invitation.

This. He’s putting his mother before you and a newborn and needs to sort his priorities out.

You’ll no doubt have lots of people coming onto the thread to tell you it ‘must be fair to have MIL stay as you are seeing your parents’. Or that you ‘might need MIL for babysitting one day, so don’t annoy her’. But really all that matters for this particular Christmas is the wellbeing and comfort of you and your newborn. Stand your ground and don’t let the stress affect your last few weeks of pregnancy. 🌹