Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Actually the misogyny is the typical MIL bashing. “Fussy and faffy” indeed 🙄.

The classic… it’s ok for you to see your family but not his??!! Do you not realise that is selfish? The poor woman. Honestly if this is how you start you’ll be wondering years down to line why she doesn’t bother with you or your child. Why do women insist on isolating their MIL but happy to still see their parents whenever? It’s my year to have Christmas with my family but SHOCK horror we’ve also invited my MIL because my son will get to see all his grandparents!! I know that sounds absolutely abhorrent to some people.

Correct!

What's NOT happening:

1. op deliberately excluding MIL for the rest of their lives
2. choosing to see her parents and spitefully ignoring MIL
3. going out of her way to be mean to MIL

What IS happening:

1. op being clear that as she's unsure how things will play out she doesn't feel able to make concrete plans
2. OP's parents are hosting their own Christmas with OP's sibling
3. MIL has declined an offer from another of her DCs (dh's sibling)
4. OP's DH has invited his mother to OP's small family Christmas without their knowledge or approval
5. MIL lives far away so a quick, impromptu visit is not possible
6. op is worried that MIL will potentially end up alone on Christmas Day which she has expressly said she doesn't want, because OP doesn't know exactly how things might play out - please refer to point 1.
7. Boxing Day may be similar so the above may also still apply but if op is home and feeling up to it, MIL is welcome to visit as it might be a bit simpler.

What MIGHT happen:

Nobody knows, hence the desire to NOT PLAN ANYTHING CONCRETE!

OP, be wary.

Your husband has completely disregarded your issues and gone straight to name calling you when you challenge him.

Huge red flag.

Does he usually not care about your opinion?

Head off to your parents and tell him him to spend it with his mother.

Sadly this is not a good indicator of things to come.

You have married and are having a child with a likely dud.

Keep your family close to you and your job fulltime.

Good decent men don't call their pregnant wives "selfish" for not wanting to commit like this.

Arseholes do and it usually is the beginning of the end.

Protect yourself, doesn't sound like he has your back.

I totally agree with you OP. It would perhaps be different if your MIL didn't have anywhere else to spend Christmas but she does. You don't know what you will be doing and don't want to make firm plans which is very sensible. Your DH needs to ask her to make plans to spend Christmas with other relatives or she risks spending Christmas day on her own.

Yep, think you've got it about right.

Poor old OP with all the bonkers replies on this thread!

God Mumsnet people are so aggy, chill out.

I meant you as a collective and not her specifically.

She could also have baby a week early and have no issues at all.

No point in my opinion causing drama right now as literally anything could happen.

She can do what she likes but posted on Mumsnet for opinions - which is what she got.

Isolating? What fresh madness is this? OP’s suggested seeing MIL on Boxing Day. MIL has 2 other children to spend this Christmas with!

Does this all depend on the relationship you have with MIL? I would agree with the OP but it makes me a little sad because I have only a son and fear I will be pushed out. I really hope not but it seems to norm. I will try my hardest to be a good MIL but I'm not sure it will count for much.

@neverbeenskiing

OP said
She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!!

I didn't interpret that as DH inviting his mum to OP's parents - that would be way out of order. I just thought the "Xmas day with us" meant at OP's house.

No - it meant at my parents house. I am not hosting anyone on Xmas day this year.

OP should get ready for a lifetime of this shit.

She either sets him straight and says he needs to never do this again, or he can go spend christmas with his mother. Indefinitely.

It’s perfectly ‘fair’ for them to put a loose plan in with her family to visit them for a couple of hours if they are up to it! She’s not excluding MIL just trying to keep Xmas flexible for very good reasons. MIL needs entertaining for the whole day whereas her family will be there eating anyway and they MAY join them.

You know the Grandparents are adults right? Perfectly capable of understanding the needs of a new mum.

Wrong. Any bashing - and I’ve not actually seen anything too bad on this thread, is down to the fact that mil has invited herself over for Xmas day, knowing op will either be days post partum, or will still be having her baby. Utterly selfish and unreasonable. Also utterly selfish and unreasonable of op’s useless husband to agree to such a ridiculous suggestion.

The idea that op should put the needs of everyone else first, and make sure the division of time on Christmas Day is entirely fair (lest someone be in contact with the baby for a minute longer than someone else - the horror!) to the complete detriment of her own physical and mental well being is absolutely disgusting.

I understand why you've interpreted it that way, but OP has explained quite a few times that DH has in fact assumed it will be fine for MIL to be hosted by OP's parents. Without consulting them, or OP. Totally out of order, I agree.

She’s not being pushed out. She’s got other children she could see and can see them any time over Xmas. It’s just the OP doesn’t want firm plans on Xmas day that then May get changed leaving MIL stuck. And, if your DIL needed HER mum, rather than you at times, you’d suck it up because it’s not about you.

Oh, and he is absolutely uncouth to invite HIS mother to your parents home.

Unbelievably rude, entitled and uncouth.

This is not normal behaviour.

He is hugely disrespectful of you, your parents and THEIR home.

In your place I would be mortified to find I had married someone so lacking in basic manners.

He needs very firmly putting in his place.

For goodness sake keep your job and your parents/friends close.

Is Boxing Day really being “pushed out”? Couldn’t you just be grownup, sensible and considerate about another woman who’s just had a baby? You’re much more likely to end up with a good relationship if you are.

Disgusting and not a little bit mad.

BRAVO both. 👏 very clear.

Some of the responses on this thread are very contrary. I don’t like the usual MIL bashing threads but in this situation OP’s husband has been completely out of order. His mother has plenty of other options and it’s not up to him to invite her to OPs parents or to create a situation where OP can’t relax at home.

Wow so you can see your parents thou OP?

You are having a baby not dying. I agree with the MIL.

I’m a mother of only boys.
I hope I have a daughter in law like you one day x

Like I said, I agree with the OP.

I think if you’re a mil who puts their selfish need to see their grandchild on Xmas day ahead of the child’s mother who only days (or potentially hours) before had given birth for the first time, you deserve all the poor treatment you receive in return.

ETA It’s not the norm for mil to be sidelined at all. Sometimes a daughter is closer to her own mother, than her mil - that’s completely understandable and true in my case, at least. But what I don’t do, is push my mil out. She’s great and we love seeing her. What I would never do though, is prioritise her feelings over my own physical and mental well-being days after giving birth.