Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Exactly. No swearing or shouty capitals or furious assertions about it being “all about me. “

Why should she have to go to her room to feed? Baring in mind the baby will be newborn that probably means she'll spend the whole day in her room.

Once more for the back row! She doesn’t know if she’ll make it to her family! It won’t matter if she doesn’t! She can even decide on the day if she’s not up to it. However if it’s agreed to host MIL, it will matter and MIL has no other arrangements.

Does DH not understand what birth is like? Also not to be a downer but you could be very very sick. I was in hospital with new bubs for 8 days after birth as she and I got a postpartum infection and she was on iv antibiotics and was jaundiced.

You need to get DH to understand it's like committing to see someone after you've had surgery. If MIL needs support/relatives/someone to be with- that can't be you this year. The baby is a red herring somewhat.

Thank you someone who understands lol.

I find it so strange that new mothers are supposed to consider the wants and needs of everyone else but themselves?! All these “but this is DH’s mother!” And “well you’re seeing your parents so why can’t you see his too?!” is absolute horse crap. In no other situation where someone was recovering, bleeding, in pain, and possibly having just had abdominal surgery, would they be pushed to consider the feelings of others to the detriment of their own health and well-being! They would be allowed to rest up and surround themselves with the people they want there and feel comfortable around. No such luck if you’ve just had a baby though, you will be bleeding from your nether regions, in pain, sleep deprived, getting used to being responsible for keeping another human alive, and have to make sure you don’t upset the MIL in anyway!

OF COURSE op wants to see her parents, she can relax on a sofa, have her needs met, and be able to ask for space without anyone taking offence, it requires minimal effort but quite possibly provides a lot of comfort. She has already explained that her sister, who hasn’t been home for Xmas for 3 years, will be joining DP and therefore they want a small intimate Xmas, MIL shouldn’t be foisted on them to change the dynamics, by all accounts it sounds that MIL isn’t particularly close with OP’s parents. Plus, if OP doesn’t end up going then she will end up hosting MIL which I would be prepared to bet money on not being a relaxing and comforting experience.

Those of us who have sons just need to accept that in a lot of cases, we will not be as involved in the post partum period when our grandchildren are born, and it is not up to our future DIL’s to make up for that!

Yeah I certainly think someone needs to explain the facts of life and childbirth to DH.

Well it’s nice if you have that relationship. In practice most families don’t. And it always becomes a bit of a compromise of “putting up “ with an IL , that you would rather not spend time with if it wasn’t for your spouse.
this isn’t a normal Xmas though.
she is just about to give birth or be very newly post partum. Irrespective of Xmas, birthdays, Diwali or a flipping hurricane, it means everything takes 2 nd priority to that . Her needs do come first for this one Christina’s, just because they come first for this time period that happens to fall across Christmas.

god help you, if you’re that sort of MIL, that “I did this” and expect a DIL to do the same. Some women, maybe like you, are programmed all their lives to put other people first, and be “kind”. North is the one time when she gets to put herself and her own needs first to ensure she is not stressed, sleep deprived, or running around after other people . If she doesn’t want to

Too many people on her are berating her for simple saying “no” , my needs come first irrespective of xmas

theyll be plenty of other Xmas , birthdays over the next 18 years fgs.

Maybe a better plan would be to plan to spend Xmas at home and your parents and MIL come over for dinner. I gave birth a week before Xmas and this is what we did. It was quiet and understated but DH made a lovely Xmas dinner, I laid on the sofa for most of it, we all marvelled at the magic of Xmas with a teeny baby etc etc. however I had established breastfeeding fairly easily, and my DH is a fab host and just got on with it all, so it depends how useful he is, and how your recovery is. The main factor at play is having DH on board and supportive…

Yep.

I find all the insecure people-pleasing of MN bizarre.

It’s unlikely you’ll give birth before the due date. On the balance of probabilities it will be after.

Have this Christmas to yourselves, you won’t be up to much and family should understand this.

Can I check my reading comprehension?

• the op might or might not have had the baby by 25th December
• the op might or might not be in hospital on 25th
• the op might or might not go to her mums 10 mins away on 25th for lunch
• this all means she might or might not be able to cope with her faffy and fussy mil on 25th
• the op’s DH has invited his mum to lunch at the op’s parents, not yet asked them, and has no contingency plan in case his wife and newborn are too poorly to join the party, so his mum is the only guest the op’s parent have ??

Dont make this about you and your Mil OP or think you need to solve this.
Your DH has caused this. So it's up to him to resolve it. He needs to think of a way to balance his wish to see his mother against his obligation to ensure his wife's comfort. I'm assuming he has a job and that at least on occasion is expected to prioritise and manage conflicting demands? So he can use his transferable skills.

Yes that is all correct lol. When laid out like that I find it odd that anyone can't see my point of view!

Lots of us do, op. Unfortunately there’s a whole lot of misogyny going on in this thread. You’re a woman so you should put your needs last, even after you’ve just given birth. Please don’t listen to the idiots, prioritise yourself and your baby.

Op, if my partner in I voted his parent to mine for Xmas, without my parents having sent the invite, I’d be frigging furious, and to set a boundary that would never be crossed again, would say they couldn’t do it.
PIL on both sides getting along to that extent of being dumped on with uninvited guest at Xmas- who the hell has that sort of family. No one I’ve ever met in my life and I’m in mid 60s. Moats sets of PILs just rub along at the very few occasions they meet over the course of a marriage, they certainly don’t become close friends just because their children married each other .
It’s a firm “never, ever, do that to me or my parents again, DH”. It’s classic male entitlement and lack of having any understanding of what it takes to host “stranger”.

God OP the responses here….

I really understand where you’re coming from. Christmas is a loaded day at the best of times and you just don’t want to be having to deal with someone else’s sh*t when you’ve literally just given birth. It is very hard now because your DH has already agreed. It is hard to imagine how full on it can be following the birth of a baby. It is a wonderful and special time but it is physically and emotionally tiring and you need to have people around you who are there to look after you and baby.

I would speak to DH again and make it clear if MIL comes then she fits in with everything and you will not be making special concessions for her. You can’t promise her what sort of day you’ll have and she needs to be aware Christmas might be spent at your house without anyone cooking Christmas dinner. If she is ok with that then maybe just chalk this one up and draw clear boundaries with DH moving forward. Once baby arrives he will understand why “hosting” someone when you have a newborn is a recipe for disaster.

They don't want to.

Our society really has done a number on some women in conditioning them to put themselves last. And some women get really angry and supercilious with other women who don't subscribe to that view.

Which is why I also said that she needs to tell her MIL they may not make it to her mum's and she needs back up plans.
No need to be rude.

You post in AIBU, you get arseholes.

She would need to ask them/ check. DH just said yes when he is not the host!

I would speak to DH again and make it clear if MIL comes then she fits in with everything and you will not be making special concessions for her

No no no. OP does not want her on Christmas Day, she has made the concession to see her on Boxing Day. That is absolutely fine.

STOP with the people-pleasing everyone on this thread!

Totally reasonable OP. Your DH has been silly. Your MIL is thinking about newborn baby cuddles, but not about the practicalities.

I agree. But there are a lot of very stupid people on AIBU.

I'm glad that quite a few people and nearly 3/4s of votes say YANBU, your H is a dickhead for inviting people to other's houses on Christmas Day. I think MiL is lucky you've asked her to come over Boxing Day.

Does DH have form for the dickness of head?