Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Babies aren't toys but they are needy little grubs (said affectionately, looking at mine) with a high degree of attachment to their mother, especially at first. So mum and baby come as a package.

And women don't lose their personhood and become an accessory to the baby when they give birth.

We don't tend to spend time with people who annoy us or are inconsiderate to us. So the way to see more of a young baby is to make sure that you're not annoying or inconsiderate to their primary caregivers. Nothing about being territorial.

I agree with question111, it's nice having people around

Mary was probs pissed off with all her visitors just after giving birth as well

Hahaha. I never thought of this. Imagine Mary on Mumsnet.

"Did Joseph sort a B+B? Did he buggery. You won't believe this but we are sleeping in a stable - yes a STABLE. And I TOLD him no visitors - and guess who has turned up - first a load of shepherds with livestock in tow. Then some pompous blokes calling themselves "wise men" and bringing weird gifts - they're not flipping wise, none of them have a clue what it's like to have given birth in a stable. Only upside is baby seems very chilled - I think he is the only wise one around here"

If you get on OK with mil I'd just ŕing her yourself and explain all this because your dh clearly won't. Aslong as mil is included fairly in someway I don't see the issue. Even taking the baby out of the equation your dh shouldn't of invited mil round on Christmas day when your not going to be there.

THANK YOU - this exactly. I'm obviously more comfortable to get my tits out and breastfeed in front of my own family vs DHs, and if I'm feeling rough, bleeding, in pain etc I will just be lying on the sofa that day and me and my family have a very direct relationship where I will literally tell them to leave me alone if I need space or whatever - no fuss needed. It won't be the case with MIL there.

If you are like that on Christmas Day why would it be different on Boxing Day?

Sounds like the best thing to do would be stay at home and let people visit you. DH & MIL can make or buy in food for you all and you can take yourself off to your room with baby for naps and feeding. There's no reason at all you can't say to MIL that you need some peace and quiet for a bit, her son can socialise with her while you rest.

She’s not excluding her! No firm plans are being made. There is an idea that, if they feel up to it they will go to her parents for a few hours.

Don’t be so dismissive. Different people have different personalities, shock horror, and what you would feel chilled about, others might not. The OP is in the best position to know the dynamics of her family. May be you are blessed with very relaxed and easy going family. Not all of us are. My sister brings a cold northerly wind with her whenever she is around. She’s a tense, angry person with a desire to cause drama. It’s tense and awkward. I would have hated her around when I’d first given birth.

She doesn’t know if she’ll be well enough, that’s the point. If they don’t go it will not be a problem for her parents. If OP’s not hosting, what exactly will they be doing. Will MIL just sit there the whole of Christmas with a cup of tea and a biscuit?

Neverbeenskiing this is a discussion forum not a comprehension exercise overseen by a self appointed crabby examiner. The nature of the thread is that things will upload while people are typing and they miss it. You mustn’t let it vex you so …

Your DH is the selfish one. He’d rather have a row with you that admit to his mum that he cocked up. Also him arguing with a pregnant woman and creating all those stress hormones was really unfortunate.

You’ve said no, he’s trying to bully you into it. Do you have a direct phone number for the MIL? I’d send her a message saying that because it’s so close to your due date, you aren’t having any guests in your home on xmas day and while you’d love to see her spontaneously on one of the days over the holidays, you aren’t putting any definite dates in the diary now. Say it would be better if she’d plan to spend xmas day with one of DH’s siblings so that there’s no chance of her being alone on xmas day.

Haha brilliant!

Somewhat missing the point but why are you likely to have a baby late if you’re tall?

Disappearinggirl, yes Mary on mumsnet would be good! Her and Joseph probs had a huge barney, although to be fair he wasn't even the real father

Rosme’s advice is spot on.

So are a lot of the ridiculous responses on here

My son was born on the 18th December. Christmas Day was a complete blur. I was exhausted from the birth and from feeding through the night. We just spent the day coping. The whole of Christmas week was the same, we didn’t see anyone.

My advice @Kirstymwh is to keep your plans flexible. Your DH is completely out of line agreeing to anything. He has to understand that you have no clue how it will be.

Having said that, it’s not fair to include one set of grandparents and not the other. Both sets are equal grandparents to your baby.

It's really, really unkind to state that OPs parents have no right to have a small family Christmas with their own child

lol where did I state they didn’t have this “right”. I think if you read my post it says that DH should have asked as of course it’s up to OP’s parents who they host at Christmas.

Your uterus. Your vagina, your labour, your sore boobs, your exhaustion = YOUR CALL

So mil and DH can take a running jump.

She can wait the whole bloody 24 hours till boxing day.

Put your foot firmly down. Of course you're more comfortable with your own mum. Your DH is off his head if he thinks otherwise.

Bloody ridiculous

YANBU. I had my first just over a week before Christmas almost 17 years ago and I barely remember those first few weeks. I remember crying a lot at my parents on Christmas day as I was so overwhelmed. Your husband sounds clueless.

Nothing @Nanny0gg has posted on this thread is remotely as confrontational and bellicose as the above comment. By all means disagree with someone's position, but this is something else again.

Are you under the impression that rebuking others in this vein and calling them 'disgraceful' somehow puts you on a moral highground?

Spoiler: it doesn't.

Because if she comes on boxing day that's on our terms in OUR house for an hour or two MAX. She wants to spend the whole of Xmas day with us which is not the same thing.

Me too. Isn't that just normal?

Hence I said "everyone is different" and I was saying "I personally".
I just think that family is important and it's a few hours. Obviously if she is too unwell to see her own family either, then fine but if she can make it to her family, why not see MIL for a few hours.

I'm not sure you've understood my point...

Actually MyCircumference has a point. If everyone is on here to try to give their honest advice to OP there really isn’t any need for people to get so wound up about others views. If the observation about aggression makes you feel a moral high ground is being taken, perhaps you need to wonder where that ground is. Play nicely kids!

Because MIL lives far away so it's all day or nothing

I would suggest you make firm plans instead of loose plans.

MIL, I am really sorry but as everything is so up in the air would it be possible for you to do Christmas dinner at SIL/BIL’s house? The “ifs and buts” are really worrying me and the last thing we would want is for you to end up alone as we could still be in hospital. Depending on how baby and I are getting on, we will make arrangements to either come and visit you or you visit us as soon as possible.