Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Of course you will 😁

You're right, you are.

The OP's sister is over from abroad and quite understandably her parents want to keep it to their family. MiL is NOT their family

MiL can have Christmas with her OWN family and see OP, DS and DGC on Boxing Day

I was due late December. I can't remember what arrangements we made with in laws but it was a best efforts plan- there's no way I'd have let them depend on us. We arranged dinner in my parents but with the understanding that Dh might be going over for two plates take away. So basically no plans at all. As it turned out it all went completely out the window. So I think MIL depending on you is lunacy. Also my in laws are very social and I know including my parents wouldn't phase them at all, including anyone who's not family would be my mums worst nightmare- she'd do it but wouldn't enjoy the day and would be stressed out of her head. It would completely change our Christmas so I can understand to some people it's not a big deal but it is to others.

OP's parents are doing a small Christmas with them and OP's sibling from overseas. OP's parents don't know OP's MIL that well and it would be odd hosting a relative stranger without OP's DH in attendance. Also why should OP's parent host OP's MIL when the MiL has ALREADY turned down an invitation from her own other dc?

It's not about her, it's about you

Yanbu and your husband wants a massive kick in the balls

It’s nothing to do with opinions, half the posters have seen ‘MIL’ and ‘baby’ and projected their own irrelevant issues onto the OP. It’s nothing to do with the OP not wanting to spend Christmas with her MIL and everything to do with her being worried MIL will be left alone as she may be in hospital on Christmas Day.

MIL is an adult, if she's happy to take the risk there is no need for the OP to worry about that.

Dizhyrishi, what now? Violence? Bit much

Quite. Fucking wise men with their stupid gifts! Bring a bloody lasagne and a pack of maxi pads and then fuck off for God's sake!! 😂

I think it's beyond cheeky for your DH to think he can invite MIL to your parents without consulting them and as your sister is there it's more family only this Xmas. It's understandable that you're more comfortable with your family and they'll flex with the situation. Perhaps speak to your DM & DF about this, maybe they'll tell your DH "sorry, but we can't accommodate your mum".
Your MIL should show more sensitivity about this. Has something happened like a falling out so she doesn't want to take up the other options? Really, she needs to be elsewhere on Xmas day and see the baby as soon as works for you after. It's also concerning that your DH doesn't seem switched on to the potential issues. He should be putting you and baby first.

If needs be

No need to swear at me. It’s rude and unpleasant. I was just presenting other creative options.

I'm the mother of a son. I know perfectly well that there's a natural and understandable difference in relationships between adults. That doesn't necessarily say anything about my personal relationships unless I choose to make it personal.

Love, affection and cordiality are not handed out in measuring jugs, with exactly the same quantity meted out to every person, because people are not automatons. Their relationships are as individual as they are. As long as I have a good relationship with my son (DiL/SiL would be a bonus, but not a requirement) it matters nothing whether this is divided exactly equally with the other PiLs/grandparents. That relationship is entirely independent of me.

A good deal of in-law angst might be avoided if people felt less in competition with other members of the family as to who gets the biggest slice of the time-cake. Of course a DiL who has recently given birth with want her own mother: that's understandable. The same also applies to complaints from DiLs that their DH's mother expends far more attention on her daughter's children than her son's. It's the way life is.

Christmas is a PITA in any event. The spring and summer holidays are far more relaxed, less formulaic, and carry no similar conventional obligations. Bring them on!

Dishyrushi, imagine blokes talking bout giving the wife a kick in the same place - bit unnecessary

DH has the right to invite his mum into his house whenever he wants.
But he has to do all the work - changing beds, cleaning before and after, meals, snacks, everything. Even if there is no big Christmas dinner and you all eat frozen ready meal or cheese and biscuits, it is still a lot of work to host.

The trouble is that OP will either be in bed, or sat on the sofa, not moving, with a new born in arms, so DH will be required to wait on OP and be at her beck and call, as well as having to host and care for his mother.
Is he aware of how much work he is taking on here? Or is he assuming OP will be up and about and do some/all of the work? He may need it spelling out just how much work he is taking on by inviting MIL.

That is best case scenario, because if OP is in hospital instead of home, presumably DH will also want to be in hospital, leaving his mother home alone at their house.

Draw the line at MIL coming into the hospital.

Well, Jesus was a toddler by the time the Wise Men arrived so I guess she had them quite spaced out!

The way some people are fussing on here, you'd think OP had asked DMIL not to come over til their DC was a toddler!

I find the attitude almost territorial. OP's parents may get to see the new baby on Christmas day and therefore it's only 'fair' that MIL does too! It's like fighting over a new toy! Astonishingly childish!

Yes you are quite right NoPansies: there are properly aggressive short fuses on here !

Put yourself first and say no not this year. Firstly she's got no right to make plans with your time especially at this most special time in your life, it's precious, something you won't get back and she's already experienced that through giving birth herself. She should remember how it feels when you have your first baby ,everything is strange and new, your body is healing, emotions are up and down, both high and low .It's not all romance, sunshine and roses - it's beautiful but can be overwhelming. She has two other children she can spend Christmas with and your DH should be asking them to invite her there instead. Your DH should be focused on you and his new baby ,he needs tell to tell his mum no kindly but in no uncertain terms and soon. If he doesn't then you'll have to.

Another one who hasn't RTFT. He doesn't have the right to invite MIL into his wife's parents house whenever he wants, which is exactly what he's done.

jeez@Nanny0gg
some of you are like you are at a boxing match
disgraceful

Underthecedartree, i thought the wise men arrived 12 days after jesus was born

I suppose everyone is different. I personally enjoyed having visitors after having my children (and I had a difficult birth). I have never understood the whole "I need to be the only person to look at my baby for the first month of birth". Also, if you're well enough to see your family, why not your MIL; I think it's unfair to exclude her. Just make it clear it's just for a few hours and if you've just given birth, you may not be going to your parents at all and she needs to consider having a back up. You don't have to host or cook, it's a few hours! The whole "it'll change the whole dynamic of my family's Xmas dinner" is just silly imo.

That's quite a leap and assumes all sorts of things.

Well put.

Do your parents have room for you and baby to stay with them xmas day night? If so then you go with your child and be looked after by your parents and OH stays at home and caters for his mother.

Bet he never volunteers to host again