Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Given that 1600 babies are born everyday in the UK, the scenario of spending Christmas day with inlaws just after giving birth must be a fairly common one

I am stunned at how many people think this is ok....about to give birth for the first time and is called selfish by DH !!
Of course you don't want to make any plans...unbelievable!!
It would be different if the prospect for MIL would be to be on her own but there are 2 additional children!!!
You are not hosting...this is am important factor!!
I'm really sorry for you though, I hope you manage to find a solution..DH developing a backbone ? All he has to do is say to MIL, really sorry mum, this is all new to us and it's best if we don't make any solid plans. We will hopefully be seeing people, if so you will definitely be included but the emphasis is keeping everything stress free for my DW.
Good luck with the baby...this is definitely a learning op for DH !

Your husband is being an absolute bellend. The last thing you’ll want when you’re worrying about whether your insides are falling out (they won’t be but you’ll still worry), whether the baby is latching ok, if losing this much blood is normal and if you’re crazy (you won’t be it’s the hormones) is to have to host and think about someone else’s needs, let alone having to facilitate them spending time with your family and managing that dynamic. I’m hoping your husband isn’t always a bellend and this is just him massively under estimating what having a baby is like for the women. If that is the case I’d like to think after seeing you give birth and navigating the baby’s early days he’ll be more understanding.

I think you're being a bit OTT. Could you not do a little picky bits spread of party oven food and invite them both over for a few hrs?

I'd never dream of excluding one set of parents, even if one only lived 10mins away.

You'll have to come back and let us know when baby is finally here and how it all went in the end @Kirstymwh - I hope MIL sees sense and your husband gives you an apology

@oakleaffy you are talking absolute shit.

I am the mum of sons and I can tell you right now that if a future partner of theirs is due to give birth in November or December, I will NOT be asking for an invitation at Christmas.........

Because I know how exhausting giving birth and recovery can be. This MIL is being a total dick and the level of her entitlement is unreal

Someone else could do this, though, couldn't they?

How about the DH or MIL?

Just say, "You do what you want, dear, but I'm not hosting anyone". And repeat ad infinitum.

He can't just invite MIL to your parents' house without checking with them.

He also, first and foremost, should have spoken to YOU.

He's such a dickhead, calling his heavily pregnant wife 'selfish' like that. You're the one doing all the hard work. He needs to suck it up and tell his mother it's Boxing Day only.

@trampoline123 maybe she could do that whilst simultaneously giving birth. And I assume you mean OP prepping the food not her DH

What, if she's in hospital you mean? Or trying to cope with abdominal surgery and a new baby?

What part of 'op doesn't know how things will pan out so doesn't want to make firm plans' isn't clear exactly?

It’s a forum- Everyone will have different opinions, some opposing, some agreeing.

Just because some people see things differently to you doesn’t mean they don’t comprehend the infamously tricky issues between DILs and MILs .

This totally sums it up! The MIL just wants to see the baby. Fair enough but it's also totally fair enough for the OP to say this probably won't work.

If any future support from MIL is conditional on OP commiting to host her for Christmas day when she has no idea what physical and emotional state she will be in, (whether she will be in labour, in hospital, or in pain and exhausted due to recovering from a difficult birth) then maybe OP is better off without her. I'm a mum of boys and cannot imagine seeing my future DIL as the "enemy" because she takes the perfectly reasonable step of not making firm plans when she's about to give birth.

Yes, she might be 'cut out' due to OP being in hospital which is why OP is sensibly suggesting she makes other plans for Christmas day so she won't be alone!

This ^

DO NOT GIVE IN

Set the tone now or MIL will become unbearable

Your husband needs to understand that you will have just birthed a whole new human and what you say goes for the next ages 😊😊😊😊

Good job it's not up to you then, isn't it?

Why the fuck should she?

We lost both DH’s parents this year. There’s going to be two less at the Christmas table. In the early days of being with my dh I sometimes felt they were a bit of a nuisance. I regret that now. You’re lacking foresight here op. These relationships are important for you all.

Excellent plan

actually if you had bothered to read MY response to op and perhaps ask a question instead of making assumptions you would realise that I have infact read ops post perfectly fine. My comment still stands. Yes mil may not live locally and no where did I say op had to have her round all day I merely suggested she could come over for an hour or two. In which case it would be up to grown mil to sort herself out for the remainder of the day regardless of where she goes. if she chooses to want to visit op and grandchild and not make usual plans. op is well within her right to say a few hours is enough! mil is a grown woman who should hopefully understand. ops parents still get time with op and grandchild whilst being in the comfort of their own home. No where did I suggest op had to host Christmas or do dinner (perhaps if u had bothered to read my post properly you would see that). Ops oh should be grown enough to be able to cook dinner for new mum and baby and entertain BOTH sets of grandparents with a mince pie and a cup of tea!! again IF mil is desperate enough to visit she should certainly NOT expect to be with them the whole day and go off and visit her other children or do whatever she pleases for the remainder of the day, and again that would be her choice and perfectly fair enough of op and her oh to suggest! IF in the case that op is literally just out of hospital etc then again ops Oh should be grown and able enough to allow mum and baby to stay at home and care for them with NO visitors.
Again I am actually on ops side that the whole day and hosting is off the table. The only way in which I support mil is in that if op is well enough to go to her parents for dinner then surely she will be well enough to sit in her own home while oh deals with mil for an hour or two! if mil wont accept that then that's tough and she doesn't get to visit!

Mary was probs pissed off with all her visitors just after giving birth as well

You might want to read some of the posts...

Comprehension and reading skills monumentally lacking

Hold on ( and I’m probably going to get the comprehension skills diss for asking this) but didn’t P say the likely plan was her parents would be hosting ? That means MIL could join in there ( provided they get asked first this time!) and OP could go or stay as she wanted. If she’s still in hospital MIL has a day at her sons in-laws ( which she might find weird if he’s at the hospital but hey…). But no, she can’t go to OP’s house. Is OP supposed to not see her parents - or host them as well? That’s not reasonable. But I thought Christmas was likely to be at OP’s parents. They can step in and handle MIL on OP’s behalf . When the invitation is shaped that way I bet she chooses her own side of the family - but can’t say she wasn’t asked.

I'm very sorry for your loss but, again, did you miss the part where OP has explained (repeatedly) she may well be in hospital or giving birth on Christmas day? She's not "lacking foresight" for not being able to predict with 100% accuracy when her baby is going to arrive and what kind of birth/recovery she will have!

This has been asked and answered many times over.

For a start, I'd make your husband ask your parents if they're happy to host your MIL and offer a contribution to the meal. You can't just invite people to other people's houses!