Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I’m amazed that the comments aren’t more supportive of you OP! I’ve only read the first few but I agree with you - DH should have at the very least asked your parents first before inviting another guest to their home on the one day of the year that can really cause rows!

I also wouldn’t want to be entertaining anyone in my home that soon after having a baby. What if (god forbid and fingers crossed this doesn’t happen!) you have a c section! You will only be able to lift a baby let alone make sure she’s got a topped up cup of tea - you will be in no fit state to host. Those first few days at home are also filled with health visitors popping by (mostly unannounced) and everyone and their dog wanting pictures, updates, and probably (because it’s that time of year) wanting to know if they can drop a gift in!

DH is in the wrong and sorry it’s caused a row, you need to have a calm conversation together about visitors and boundaries surrounding the birth - which could always be revisited once it’s done and you know what state your body is in.

For me I had a planned section due to complications we knew about beforehand and I was raw, we had our first guests on day 5 (the Sunday after he was born on the Tuesday) and I pushed that back from the original plan of people coming on the Saturday. DH had arranged the Saturday without asking me and when we found out I was staying in another night due to baby’s low sodium (only going home on Friday evening) I told me DH to replan to give me 1 day at home just the 3 of us before we had visitors. If I’d really had my way it would have been a bit longer but I was being sympathetic to the fact that his brothers and their girlfriends had work during the week and were travelling from around the country to see baby.

Even without a c you will still be raw, healing, your body will be doing so for many weeks/maybe months afterwards! For me it was such an effort to even be slightly presentable for that day - for a couple of weeks after baby’s birth I was knocking about the house in a John Lewis nightshirt (the buttons are a godsend if breastfeeding!), mesh hospital pants and with my hair up in a greasy bun. You simply won’t be dressed to receive and that’s absolutely fine - you’ve just birthed a baby… fuck entertaining the MIL!

She was already invited to her other DC Christmas.

She declined!!!

YANBU post birth is a time where you will be getting used to establishing breastfeeding etc and maybe feeling sore and vulnerable
Christmas can be a stressful time even when both families get on well together but as you say your MiL is different it would be even worse
MiL is unreasonable to expect to come and DH is unreasonable not to have your back and consider the bigger picture

It doesn't matter, MIL ISN'T her mum 🤷‍♀️ you're allowed to only want YOUR mother after you've given birth.

She didn't ask for advice. She asked if she was being unreasonable. She's not.

Fuck no. Your DH is being a total dickhead and TBH so is the MIL.

This is the Christmas where you hunker down and just do what is right for you.

My 1st birth was 2 weeks late, I had an emergency C-section and I lost a lot of blood. I stayed in hospital for 3 days as DC1 had an infection. Got home and I really, really struggled with breastfeeding and was so weak. There is no way I would have been able to go to someone's house 2 weeks after that, even if it was 10 mins away.

You just say no. This is a hill worthy of dying on. Show your DH this note

Hopefully you will have a straight forward birth and you might be able to go to your mum's but you can't plan for it now.

BTW it took me about 5weeks to establish BF first time round but once you crack it, it's very easy.

Your MIL needs to make other plans for Christmas this year,........... And once again your DH is being a dick

This 'YOU will be the MIL of a woman your son is married to one day, so treat your MIL better' kind of thing that people are shooting at the OP is such a shady and unpleasant thing to say.

It's almost like threatening... ! Like 'You will rue the day you didn't let your poor MIL do whatever the hell she wants, no matter how shit it makes you feel, because your will have a daughter-in-law one day.' And 'When you have a daughter-in-law, it will serve you right if she treats you like crap etc etc.'

So rude. Making the OP feel even worse about her situation. Take a long hard look at yourselves. This is an 8 months pregnant woman who is stressed out, and with a husband who is clearly taking his mother's side Good grief. Have some empathy, and stop having a go at the lass! You can sure tell who the MILs are on here.

As for the posters saying 'you will need her help in the future - be kind..!' The OP's MIL sounds like the type of person who will very likely not help the OP with the child in the future anyway. Not unless it's on her terms.

She doesn't need to be alone!! She's been invited to her daughter's and turned it down!!

I had a December baby, though mine was due earlier in the month and decided to arrive later.
On my first post-birth Christmas I was driven cross city to visit my future in-laws with baby and a shop load of baby equipment in the boot of the car. I was knackered and while I put a brave face on it, I really didn't remember much of the actual Christmas day apart from that.

My advice would be for you to have a chat with your DH (not your MiL - leave the fall out to your DH to deal with) and stress that you're still going to have sanitary pads and breast pads in use and you really are only up to going to your own parents for Christmas Day this year and then home with your baby. No meals will be cooked in your home on Christmas Day. You will either cook something from the freezer on Boxing Day or order takeout.

That is what you and your baby will be doing for Christmas 2023. Everyone else can take a number.

This thread is a truly magnificent example of the fact that people's reading comprehension skills are monumentally shit.
And/or that they don't bother to read hardly at all, so very eager are they to share their own perfect (sarcasm) opinions.

This 'YOUwill be the MIL of a woman your son is married to one day, so treat your MIL better' kind of thing that people are shooting at the OP is such a shady and unpleasant thing to say
It's worse than unpleasant. I deeply resent the assumption that I am destined to become a selfish pain in my DILs arse at some point in the far future.
Not everyone needs an excuse to be an arse. Some people apparently just set it free!

I’m going to be a MIL very shortly and I have every sympathy with OP. Her DH should not have agreed to it, especially as MIL has other more sensible choices. He should be able to manage without his mum for one year now he’s becoming a dad. It has nothing to do with liking her or not.

Ffs. People tying themselves in knots here to be 'fair' to dh, 'fair' to his Mum.

OP, you and your baby will be the priority at this time. Stick up for yourself now. It sounds like DH won't.

If the MIL had no other options, I may want to look at possibilities. But that's not the case.

I actually totally “get this” OP; I felt really similar around the time my first was born so I’m hugely sympathetic. But having said that, I hope you won’t feel offended when I say that lots of us are actually a little bit “off” as we approach the arrival of our firstborn. It’s just floods of hormones and excitement and vulnerability and ( a little bit) of fear, especially about how well we will be managing etc. You are stepping into the unknown, which you will be facing after a physical ordeal. Thats all perfectly normal but the others aren’t going through that, so the “ unreasonable “ question is a bit tricky: unreasonable from where you are at or objectively. In hindsight I can see I was overly reactive around that time. I think if you aren’t hosting or doing any of the work I’d go with the flow and just warn DH you might want to leave for home after a short time and you would like him to come. If he’s happy to let MIL take that risk ( of sitting with your family all day I guess?) just let them plan what they want. Carve yourself space for an out - but in reality you will probably feel just fine and will enjoy having doting grandparents on hand and ready to take the same absurd level of interest in your LO that you will also be experiencing. However I do understand your feelings. I remember my very experienced Obgyn asking about my birth plans and if I would have any help at home and I said either mum or MIL would be bound to offer to stay a few weeks. He shot round to look at me and said : “ no not MIL. That relationship just doesn’t work around that time. “ But this is ultimately a very contained interaction.

The OP has already explained that she might not be up to staying for long. She might not be going at all if she’s in labour.

@oakleaffy I would hope I would be a considerate MIL and put my very heavily pregnant DIL first and fit in with what she wanted (especially where she is also being considerate)

I have a boy. I will be more than happy not to be able to spend every single Christmas with him when he is grown up and has a partner, and the same for my daughter. It is natural that as their family grows they will have other people to see sometimes or want their own space, even if they haven't just given birth! Yes I would be unhappy if I NEVER saw them for Christmas and the in laws always did, or they wouldn't arrange to see me for months around Christmas, but one particular Christmas day because they have good reason why it is not convenient, of course that's fine! I hope I manage to cut the apron strings enough for that! Similarly I'd be unhappy if I couldn't meet a grandchild for weeks and weeks, but wouldn't expect it on my terms at all, or expect to choose the days I can see them. I hope I'd have enough empathy for future DIL for that!

And before anyone says this is different because it's baby's first Christmas and ops parents might be involved but mil won't, this is the least interested in Christmas that child will ever be in their life, and probably the least Christmassy Christmas day op and her DH will ever have, so what is she missing out on? Besides they've offered her boxing day. In our family that would count as seeing her for Christmas as we don't see Christmas as just one day and like to spread the fun out!

You have no idea how it's all going to go. I've just come back from my daughters after four weeks because plans went to dust! I went up with the intentions of being there a week but after being started off and a long labour she had to have an emergency c-section, then got sepsis and had to be in hospital it's been a very traumatic 4 weeks. I wouldn't be making any plans if I was you and I would certainly not want to be being rude to your inlaws because you never know when you'll need them!

I think you’re massively overthinking all the what ifs. If it’s too stressful per se why not cancel seeing anyone over Christmas and arranging a January meal for everyone so that way everybody is treated equally?

I think you have a problem on your hands and you must nip it in the bud now. Any man who tells a pregnant woman she’s being selfish for not wanting to make plans to host someone around the time they’ve given birth is in need of an education.

I suggest he be given some videos to watch of various births. He is completely clueless about what it means to be pregnant, never mind giving birth.

Absolutely agree that MIL should have more empathy with another woman about to give birth and not be so utterly selfish. You and the baby are top priority. DH needs to solidly have your back on this at the start of making a new family so do not give in. Get him understanding what the realities might be.

Of course you need to be relaxed and flexible and with your own family at such a time and its outrageous that you are even having to consider these arrangements. I hope MIL arranges to go to another of her DC when DH spells out that you are not hosting her this year. Wishing you all the very best and stay strong OP.

Given the timing, she is very likely to be offered induction planned for her to be home for Christmas. Though things don’t always go to plan, so how would it be unfair not to offer to host in your home when you won’t even be there and your DH will out visiting you in hospital?

I've had another thought, if your DH thinks that you are 'selfish' I'd actually lean into that this year as you'll never have a better time to be totally selfish.

Go and stay with your parents. Let him and his mother have Christmas together in your house while you have a lovely Christmas day in your parents house. If you have the baby before Christmas you bring the baby with you and you sleep over too. If you haven't had the baby, still sleep over and go home whenever you feel ready to.

You need to put your foot down. MIL can go to one of the other siblings, it's not like she has nowhere to go.

Do you get on with SIL? Would she understand and help fight your corner?

You do realise your height and sex of the baby have no bearing on when you will give birth.