Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

OFGS!!!!

Good point!

You did in the early 80s too. With an enforced afternoon nap.

It was great!

You will one day be a MIL @Kirstymwh
Your son’s future partner may well say the same thing about you- your husband probably wants to see his own mum in Christmas Day, not just yours!

I suspect you don’t like her- hence the anger.

Mums of sons forget they are the MILs of the future.

I get ya @Kirstymwh Whether you like your MIL or not, you have the right to not want to have her spending Christmas day with you when you have only just had a baby. I didn't want anyone at my house when I had mine. Not for 3 months or so, and much preferred to pop out and see them. (Or meet up somewhere.) Luckily they weren't Autumn/Winter birthdays, so we didn't have people coming round to see the new baby at Christmas.

I don't understand why your MIL has to spend the day at yours anyway. As a pp said, if your DH is so bothered about seeing his mother, let him go to hers. Or you (both) go visit and just stay an hour or so.

My adult DC (who left a few years ago,) sometimes want to spend Christmas with just them and their little family, and see us like 22nd, or 23rd December. And that's OK. It's OK to see no-one except your partner sometimes - or just spend Christmas on your own! Sometimes me and DH want to just be alone with no-one else from Christmas Eve afternoon to the 27th.

Why do (some) people have to always be at someone's house at Christmas? Just stay in your own home, (at least some Christmases if not all.) It's really not that hard. Just see them a few days before and swap gifts then/have a pub lunch together etc.

I'm so glad my in-laws and parents have never been so demanding and precious, and have always been fine with whatever we want. PILs have gone abroad a few times, and we didn't see the from 19th December to mid January. And guess what? It was fine! Some people are just so precious and needy.

You're having a boy. You will be a MIL like this one day.

As long as you happy to be treated the same way when your DIL wants to spend Christmas with her parents then that's fine.

😆I know right!

Lol, hun. As a potential future MIL to a DIL in future I can categorically say I will never be inviting myself to my sons house (or indeed his parents house) for Christmas if my DIL is due to give birth in the days before. I'll be sending them all my love and well wishes while I make my own plans, and say that of course I am so excited to meet my grandchild and come and help out to make their life easier but that I'll be waiting for them to let me know when they feel ready for me to do so.

OP is very unlikely to forget when she's been reminded 25,000 times by posters who can't be bothered to RTFT.

I think it’s a bit unfair really, your DH may want his mum at that time as you want to spend time with yours. Also my first was 15 days late so you might not even have a baby by then.

And are they the only person who matters?

You aren't hosting. Ask your parents if it's ok if your mil comes. You might well be the one who becomes unwanted in years to come. Stop being mean.

It's perfectly reasonable for MIL to be super excited by the arrival of her new grandchild but it is not reasonable to demand a ring side seat. Likewise it is reasonable for DH to want to show his mum his new baby but to expect someone else to sort out the practicalities is unreasonable and beyond cheeky.

My suggestion would be to have a quiet Christmas at home with just the three of you. DH can sort out the food etc while you take care of and bond with your baby. As tradition going back to the caves demands. I would invite the new grandparents, aunties etc over for a few hours on New Years and get BIL to pick up his mother so she cant complain that she was neglected. That way everyone's treated the same.

Remind DH that a few days post partum you will not only be physically shell shocked but both of you will have had no sleep.

I'd be fuming with my other half too.
He should have spoken to you about it, as now the back tracking is making it all look like you, when it's actually the situation. Men often just don't get it.
MIL clearly thinking about herself and in my opinion should not have asked this year.
You're not being selfish, you're being realistic. You aren't saying you don't want to see her, just that for obvious reasons you can't make concrete plans. Better for MIL to have firm plans for Xmas Day itself, then there's no chance that she will end up on her own. Does she realize this?
It could have been avoided if your other half had just said you weren't making any firm plans this year as you don't know what what will be happening. Hopefully he'll learn by it, he's only human (and a man!!).

Firstly, I think you’re being unrealistic to think that you will be going anywhere on the 25th december if you give birth on the 21st; you’ll be exhausted and breastfeeding is intense.

My strongest advice would be (alongside buy a tumble dryer, massive tub of vanish, and hire a cleaner now for the impending pandemonium)

1. have your mum do Xmas in your house if at all possible
2. say mil can come for dinner no matter the location - it’s a new baby, you will all be becoming much closer as a family
3. don’t make too much of an effort yourself concentrate on baby and recovery, let everyone else do all things Christmas

I completely understand and agree with you. My first child was due on 9th December, we didn’t make proper plans for that Christmas, it was more of a ‘we’ll see where we’re at a day or two before’ and make a decision from there. Baby ended up being 10 days early so we probably would’ve been ok to go to someone else’s house but as it was covid Christmas (2020) so we decided to spend it alone anyway. It was one of the best Christmas’s I’ve had. We spent the day in our pajamas with our 3 week old baby, my husband cooked a bit of a Christmas dinner but we were able to time it around feeds as it was just us and we spend most of the day watching Christmas films.

Have you husband read the ‘Lemon clot’ essay to get an understanding of what post child birth is like.

Oh ffs, op isn’t ‘drawing lines’ she’s made a very casual plan to potentially pop over and eat a meal that’s been cooked for her on Xmas afternoon. She may not be up to it or may still even be in hospital. Nobody is being excluded through spite.

And on the subject of help… some women don’t want any. I certainly didn’t. Between Dh and I, we managed to figure out on our own how to bathe our child - fancy that! Both my mother and mil gave us space to bond with our child. No help needed.

OP, YANBU at all. The only people you need to prioritise post birth are you and your baby. Quite why there’s this hysteria over who gets to see the baby on Christmas Day when it’s just a normal day, is beyond me. Nothing special or magical will happen to the baby that will be missed if a grandparent sees them 24 hours later. Prioritise yourself op, nobody else.

They might not get to see the baby. OP is only going over if she’s up to it.

👏

Yes, OP it's very mean of you not to know for sure whether you will be in labour, in hospital, recovering from a difficult birth and too exhausted or unwell to see anyone or not on Christmas day. Obviously none of that matters, your DH's Mum feeling "wanted" is the only important thing here!

Give me strength.

She’s not spending Christmas; she is going to pop over if she is up to it!

I think you’re being a bit of a princess. Don’t make an enemy of her. You might need her support further down the line.

Oh for goodness sake! 🙄

I am a MIL.I am with you OP.She has invited herself! who does that,it’s bloody rude.

It should be your time after giving birth,think it is like a bride on her wedding day,it is all about you and your new baby.

I could understand if she had no other family,but she has.

Stand your ground.Your husband should be supporting your wishes not his Mother’s.

@Kirstymwh YANBU and it is incredibly cheeky of your DH to just invite his family to your parents' house for Christmas without asking. Even asking is cheeky. If you're not invited then don't ask for an invite. It is completely natural to want your parents after you've given birth. You're in pain, tired and bleeding. I didn't mind my parents seeing me like that but I wasn't up for anyone else visiting. Your in laws can wait a few days post partum to come and visit!!

My MIL threw a fit when I said that I didn't want her to visit me in hospital. She is still a bit touchy now and baby is a few months old now. Thankfully my DP stood up for me.

YABU.