Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Not read PPs but have to ask -
Does your MIL actually know you are giving birth at Xmas ?
No one plans to stay with new first time mother at that time - just no one (unless only a help - e.g. a temporary nanny or house keeper).
Very bad form of your MIL - outrageous in fact.
Who knows how you and baby's health will be at that time?
Your Dh is outrageous!

she’ll “get no Christmas at all”.

I didn’t really have a ‘Christmas’ that year in the traditional sense. A lot of December mums won’t have either. It was the MOST SPECIAL Christmas I’ve ever had. It was just different, it’s still Christmas. It comes every year. Your baby being born is one time.

As far as I can see, DH fucked up by agreeing to his mum that she could plan to spend Christmas Day with them, but this is easily undone (just wounded pride from DH probably). MIL doesn’t seem - yet! - to have committed any of the crimes posters are accusing her of on here. She just asked if she could come for Christmas and her son - foolishly! idiotically! - agreed. She doesn’t seem to have malicious intent, she hasn’t stamped her feet, she hasn’t insisted on anything.

This is a DH problem not a MIL one.

So let's say MIL says yes please to the option of "popping in for a couple of hours" on Christmas Day. Then it turns out OP is just back from hospital on Christmas Day, knackered and in pain with a tiny newborn. MIL pops round at 10am. Are they really going to pack her off home on her own at 12, with no food and no company as her other DC live further away? No, she'll end up staying all day and OP will feel she has to be hostess. That's the problem.

OP tread very carefully. Obviously you know your situation best, so should do what makes you comfortable. But you never truly know who will be the most supportive, post birth. My mum was all talk and present at both births, but she was in a rush to leave both times. Something I did not see coming. She has openly offered to look after my DC, but never actually made it happen to date (I'm not forcing the issue). She rarely visits me at home.

Meanwhile, my MIL was at my house the same day both DC came home and was the one who allowed me to nap during the day, brought me tea/food, was the one who showed me how to bathe my eldest, etc. I needed to go hospital with post partum hypertension, guess who looked after my kids. Just... be careful drawing lines at this point.

I don’t know op, I see your point but then in the same way why do your parents get to see you and the baby and your dh’s parents don’t? I’d hate dh to go mad at me because I asked my mum to the house especially as it must be hard to ask can you go to someone at Christmas

And then what will MiL do for the rest of the day as she's turned down other invitations?

This whole thread exists because of the many things which are completely out of OPs control. She can make no plans for Christmas!
Have you ever heard the phrase "control the controllables" in the face of disaster?
One thing OP bloody well should be allowed to control is whether or not she needs to worry about MILs whereabouts on Christmas Day.
Give me fucking strength...

Bollocks.

God. This thread has made me pretty much angrier than any other.

The 1950s is thataway<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The agreement is if they are up to it, for 1-2 hours. If on the day they’re not, she does not come. If she does come, MIL goes after 1-2 hours.

Presumably MIL is a) an adult, capable of getting her own ready meal turkey dinner in and b) a decent person who will stick to the agreement.

We have no evidence to make assumptions that she’s going to guilt them into staying longer or not be happy with her choice.

Agreed, @Backagain23.

A peculiar idea of courtesy some people have. It's the hosts who issue the invitations. Guests don't invite themselves. And certainly, invited guests don't issue addional invitations on the hosts' behalf to guests not invited by them.

In whose social world is this okay? It's absolutely basic manners.

No idea! Pop in for a drink to her local friends? Go to church in the morning and the pub for a drink? She’s a grownup with her own life, I assume? Who can drive and make her own plans. That’s her choice and her problem.

FGS the OP and her DH can't make anything other than very loose plans for Christmas because she might be in labour on the day.
MIL doesn't want to be on her own which is a very real risk if she insists on OP hosting her.
Being able to decide on the day whether to pop round to someone else's house, possibly only for and hour or so, is totally different to commiting to host someone all Day when you might not even be there On the day or may well have given birth in the previous few days.

This!
funny how your family come first, you’d be up to that but not seeing his.
FWIW my family would never see my MIL left alone at Christmas‘ because we want our little family’.

But she’s not asked to pop round for a couple of hours; she’s asked to spend the day and OPs DH has agreed to it without asking OP. They shouldn’t need to explain anything; MIL has had 3 children.

To be clear:

I think it is perfect reasonable to say ‘do not plan to spend Christmas Day with us, as it’s likely we won’t be up to it.’

I think it is a compromise to make MIL and DH feel loved and appreciated to offer the chance - IF ALL IS WELL - to pop in.

I think it is up to MIL to decide her own priorities for Christmas Day.

If it sounded like the MIL and the DH would be sensitive to the OP's needs and MIL would take herself off for a ready meal after 1-2 hours, then I would entirely agree with you.

However from the OP's posts, it sounds like this is not likely! The DH has already called the OP selfish and I suspect he would not be the one telling MIL "off you go now, OP needs to rest". It seems likely that OP will either have to host MIL all day, or be the one to tell her to go and then deal with a sulking DH. I could be wrong of course.

Tbh if this was me I think I'd be telling people that I was having CD at home with husband & the baby.

It's not "funny" at all.
It's perfectly natural to be comfortable with your own family in a way you never will with others.
Namely when you are PP, exhausted, bleeding, hormonal, injured, sick, trying to BF etc etc.
As a mother of boys I cannot imagine having this sort of dismissive attitude to the comfort of future DILs when they have just given birth.

No, NannyOgg, the 50s would be fine - you spent 10 days in hospital after having your first baby!

If I ever have pregnant DIL I hope I won't be so needy as some on here.

You just mean the ones that don't agree with the OP, don't you. Because she posted looking for advice, which means taking on all views, no? 😂

Some of these posts are infuriating! OP please don’t worry about not seeing your MIL. Despite what some posters are saying, you can choose who you would like to see and when - you’ll have just given birth!!

All this crap about fairness is completely childish. You’re allowed to like / be more comfortable with your own parents than someone else’s. Your DH parents are his problem and his relationship to manage.

Imagine if a man was getting dick surgery and his wife was calling him selfish for not wanting to hang out with or host her mother days afterwards. Ok dick surgery not directly comparable to giving birth but you get my point.

Main way out of it is to say you are not doing XMAS ie the whole food/decorations etc shebang. You might, depends on how it goes but you could equally be doing a microwave M&S grabbed between feeds or sleeping/washing/having a postpartum bout of tears/a bath to ease the bruises/stitches. So gently explain to DH/MiL that if she wants XMAS she is better elsewhere and that you are happy for ad hoc/ring before you come baby visit of an hour or two to help around the baby and it will most likely be a post birth normal day with a smattering of xmas if you can manage.
My DS’s first Christmas — at nine months - was best remembered for getting in a long snooze in the afternoon for all concerned. It was fabulous.

100% agree. I wouldnt want to be making plans, with anyone, when you have no idea what situation you are going to be in. You've been put upon and it's less than ideal, I think considering you are pregnant, going to be giving birth and looking after an infant you are not being selfish, and even if you were you are allowed to be. I wouldnt even be okay with the boxing day idea tbh, let's face it shes not going to only stay for an hour. And I dont understand all the comments saying it's ok for her to go to your parents. Surely that's up to them and very odd your partner okayed it.