Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

It still means she'll upset the dynamic for the OP's parents' Christmas.

And they're NOT family as such.

You are being totally reasonable and you need to explain it to DH and mil on these terms. Be clear she can definitely come and see you / baby very close to Christmas but you don't want to risk her being alone or having no dinner by refusing invitations from her other children.

Also you have already semi accepted an invitation fron your parents so you sort of have prior plans and it would be very rude to invite herself there as they are not close (can you imagine the AIBU form ops mum's point of view!?) Different if she had no other options maybe.

I had a baby 3 day days before Christmas. We had been doing every other year visiting our parents and it should have been in laws turn, but we told them early in pregnancy that as there was so much uncertainty and my parents were local we wouldn't be seeing them for Christmas day. They understood straight away and made arrangements with my sil. As it turned out in the end they visited to meet dd both Xmas eve in way to sil and a few days later on way home, but that was a last minute agreement because we were happy with it, and only for a few hours, not an overnight visit or anything.

As it turned out we decided to stay home Xmas day as we'd only come home from hospital day before so the midwife was coming round and we didn't know when, and we were very much adjusting to feeding etc. the midwife came when I was feeding in pj bottoms and a cardigan, decided my stitches were infected and DH had to go and pick up antibiotics from out if hours and emergency pharmacy for me. Later that afternoon my parents and sister came round after their dinner with plated up Christmas dinners for me and DH to put in the microwave and eat while they cuddled baby which is a fantastic memory and was soooo appreciated. That's the kind of treatment you need, not someone announcing you are hosting them for the day. Oh and I definitely remember bursting into hormonal tired tears over nothing while they were there, which id definitely rather do around the people who knew me as a hormonal teen than my, at the time, still relatively new MIL!

Don't get me wrong, I don't understand it when people don't want any visitors at all as to me showing off the baby and celebrating is the nicest bit in amongst the feeding, nappies, sleepless nights etc, but in that first month to me it needs to be short bursts, not whole days or overnight, unless you are incredibly comfortable with someone and they are very helpful, and in a flexible way, not decided on this far in advance. And naturally until the mum is recovered I think it's ok to slightly favour the people she is comfortable with as long as you aren't leaving the other side out completely.

Also I'm not sure why people are so horrified - don't most people only see one set of parents Xmas day when they are in a couple? This year they'd already said if they see anyone it would be ops parents. That's life surely, as long as she's not alone and they make plans to see her a different day?

You should bloody well check yourself for writing such a goady post. OP hasn't prioritised anyone, everything is up in the air. Can't you read?

The thing is OP’s parents have made their plans. They are having Christmas at there’s with other family members invited . Whether OP shows up or not will not make a jot of difference to them. OTOH MIL’s plans would revolve around OP, so would not give her that choice.

It just seems quite controlling for you to prevent mil spending time with you. I'm a mother of sons and it seems cruel for you to leave her out. I can understand why your dh is annoyed. I'm sure you'll be glad if her when you need a babysitter. Imagine 30 years from now being treated like that by your child's partner. You're all family and it's a family time of year.

Your experience is not the OP's experience.

The MiL has two other children. She can see the OP and her son on BOXING DAY. When everything is more relaxed.

She is imposing and being selfish. And the OP's husband is a dick

OP has said numerous times she isn’t necessarily seeing her parents that day!
YANBU OP. I’m 5ft 10. As you’re clearly aware, your DS is likely to be big. My DS was 5 weeks old on Christmas Day. We’d already spent 2 days back in hospital. I vaguely remember DH cooking and doing everything. MIL spent the day with us as she had nowhere else to go. Why on earth is yours insisting on spending it with you rather than her other DC?

you might all end up havng a lovely day

Or not . . . 😬

Families that don't get on . . .

Exhausted postpartum/ on the brink of giving birth mum . . .

Tiny, vulnerable baby . . .

Husband sitting there seething because his mother has been grudgingly invited . . .

MIL faffing and interfering and getting in everybody's way . . .

Tidings ion comfort and joy, indeed!

Personally OP - I'd stay at home and have a ready meal.

God, the spite of the MILs is in full force on this thread! Can everyone please stop using the 'You'll be a MIL one day' threat to attack a pregnant woman who is already stressed? What is wrong with you all?

Yes, but you've read the OP's posts properly

The MIL is an adult, they can just explain to her that if the baby is here, if mum and baby are OK it would be fine for you to pop round for a couple of hours, if not you are on your own for the day. She can make her decision then, no need for other people to decide she needs to have her day planned for her.

😂😂😂 controlling because SHE DOESN'T KNOW what state she'll be in or whether she'll even be home???

Christ I've read everything now!

I think you need to make it fair on both sets of grandparents. I'd be inclined to have my own Christmas at home and have both sets visit for an hour or two each. That was you can dissappear to the bedroom to feed baby or rest and hubby can look after any guests. Fwiw I also was due December 14th, baby came a little earlier but still December. We went to inlaws for a few hours then my family visited that night for a few hours. I understand how you feel but also mil is obviously excited to see her grandchild first Christmas. If you absolutely don't want to see mil on Xmas day then I'd probably do Xmas dinner at home to make it fair. I know it's different as your mother will be more understanding of you and looking after you than mil but the baby is their relation equally.

I’m 💯 with you on this. I was due around Christmas with my third. I have a great relationship with my MIL I am also very chilled and have no problem with how much we see the in-laws.

but omg the stress of being told that they were coming to mine on Xmas absolutely not the last thing I wanted to deal with was the strsss of concrete plans when I’d just given birth!

just say no. You’ll be proud of yourself for staying strong. Wether you see your mom for a few hours or just chill at home in your pjs eating chocolate with a newborn. You’ll have just given birth. People need to respect that.

it’s your Christmas with a newborn. You decide how you’re spending it!

There is no reason to assume she’ll “get no Christmas at all”.

OP and her DH say - DMIL/Mum, we aren’t making any firm plans to be with anyone for Christmas Day. If we are home from hospital and up to seeing anyone, you’d be welcome to pop in for an hour or two. But we won’t know that until the day, so it’s best if you at least plan to spend Christmas Day/lunch with someone else. But we won’t be offended if you want to go and stay with so-and-so instead and can’t pop in, we’ll just see you on Boxing Day instead.

That’s it. They just state their boundary (1-2 hours and only if everyone is OK on the day) and it’s up to MIL to decide what to do with the information.

Yes, well. Some people are thoughtful

Not like some of the posters on here. (See also: Martyrs)

"OP and her DH say - DMIL/Mum, we aren’t making any firm plans to be with anyone for Christmas Day. If we are home from hospital and up to seeing anyone, you’d be welcome to pop in for an hour or two. But we won’t know that until the day, so it’s best if you at least plan to spend Christmas Day/lunch with someone else. But we won’t be offended if you want to go and stay with so-and-so instead and can’t pop in, we’ll just see you on Boxing Day instead."

What @NoSquirrels said ^^

This is what we did with our December baby. We were both still sick from the birth and hospital stay (complications) which MIL didn’t understand. My mum popped in a Christmas dinner in a foil tin with some sweets and our presents, my MIL cried and the whole family had a go at me for keeping her from her grandchild (she didn’t offer to pop in at all, we had to visit her or not see her. So we didn’t) Anyone could have come over, that would have been fine, but they’d have had to accept the mess while me and baby were in a duvet on the sofa not getting up because we were sick.

so imo YANBU

Another who can't be bothered to read OP's comments properly.

She's already said the MIL won't just pop in for an hour because she doesn't live nearby and has no family who'll be close by. If she pops in, she'll be on her own for the rest of the day, so MIL expects to stay for the entire day.

And you think OP should cater Christmas dinner at her house as well? Christ almighty.

Have you RTFT? Again, OP has explained that she has no firm plans. She has told her parents she MIGHT pop in, assuming she is not in hospital and feels up to it.

OP's parents have made their own plans, but and have said OP is free to join them for part of the day if she can and wants to.

MIL, on the other hand, refuses to make her own plans. She wants OP and her DH to commit to spending the whole of Christmas day with her, even though she has other family she could be with.

This is very clearly not a case of OP picking one set of grandparents over the other. This is a case of one set of grandparents having selfish and impractical expectations of someone who is about to give birth.

And after the few hours she'll be on her own!

And who'll be ferrying her back and forth?

OP, you’re going to be the one who has just gone through labour (even if 2 weeks earlier) so you get to call the shots. Tell husband you’re not hosting, your family aren’t hosting any extras and you will see his mum over the Christmas period when you are up to it. This is the same with your parents, if and when you are up to it.

Husband goes back and tells his mum HE HAS HAD a rethink and all things considered, you don’t want to promise something you can’t deliver so she makes her Christmas plans for her and you will work around them when you’re up to it.

MyDC was born 2 weeks before Christmas and on Christmas Day I slept for 4 hours as in laws were here and they looked after the baby. DP still cooked a full Christmas dinner but I did nothing other than sleep and sit. Not sure I got out of PJs!

Do what suits you, others can fit in with you.

if your DH is usually a good guy then he is only guilty of not knowing what a new baby brings.

Could you invite yourselves to her house on (sorry!!) Christmas eve afternoon/lunch? That way you can stay as long as you like, she feels like she gets "first visit", and it avoids The Day. If you absolutely cant manage it then rearrange for a couple days later.
Could DH or you explain very clearly that you're only going to your parents IF you feel up to it for an hour or two, and that she's welcome to pop in for a part of that time.... but youre worried she'll be lonely for the rest of the day. Get DH to discuss with his siblings too "worried that we'll not be able to socialise, can we have a Plan B?"

She's angry with her thoughtless, idiot husband

She's worried that MIL will end up on her own when she could have gone to one of her other children with no bloody stress for anyone

And the OP's parents want to spend time with their other daughter without someone else there who isn't actually their family ( I don't consider my kids' inlaws to be my family or me, theirs)

Now I’ve heard it all! Controlling? Really? It’s surely just being sensible when you don’t know when the baby will arrive. How is it remotely cruel not to want host when you’ve just given birth?