Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Thank you!

I’ve read the OP’s post and only a few of the replies because I was getting so pissed off!

My DS was due in January, born 3 days before Christmas and I was in hospital with him till the middle of January as he was in the SCBU. No one knows how things will go, which is why the OP is making very loose plans for Christmas Day. Her DH and MIL are both being a pain in the arse about this - they need to realise that this Christmas they simply have to play it by ear, and the MIL can make plans with her own family unless she wants to spend Christmas Day on her own.

FFS! It’s not hard to understand or manage!

I think in this case innocently not understanding is being an arse.

No guarantee OP may not still be in hospital. Is he going to make Christmas lunch? I bet not.

I’ve no idea where the rest of your MIL’s family live, if she’ll plan something else for the rest of the day and just add a couple of hours with you if possible or why you’re so insistent you need to make sure she plans something for the whole day.

Your job is to say what you can offer (and to me an hour or so on Christmas Day sounds no different to an hour or so on Boxing Day) and her job is to accept or decline.

Feel so strongly that YANBU i’ve come off lurking.

I had a winter baby last year with a low risk pregnancy everything was fine until it suddenly wasn’t and I spent a week in hospital and baby was two months in NICU.

Home in time for christmas but we hosted (only home a week!) and it was hell, wish it’d just been DP, baby and me, and cheese on toast tbh.

This is an unlikely scenario for you but as you say you just can’t predict anything.

Make no plans, except for people to BRING you food, and congratulations on your new baby!

Why should she have to spend Christmas in her bedroom?!

Fuck that. The answer is no MIL is not coming on Xmas Day under any circs. She can pop on Boxing Day if OP is not indisposed or indeed still in hospital.

Wow what a thread.

All these MILs posting - I think you've all got rose tinted glasses! Post partum is fucking hard. As a FTM especially, the birth might have complications and even if its straight forwards, recovery is still hard. Not everyone wants to be vulnerable in front of their MIL, and OP has said she would be more comfortable with her own family. And that even plans with her own family are loose.

OP I'd say you've got 2 options - tell MIL you don't want to have visitors other than your own family as you don't know how you'll be, and that it's not a reflection on her and you want to make sure she won't be alone for Xmas.

Or

Tell her she can come for 2 hrs Xmas morning but the rest of the day she will need to make her own plans.

It should also be DH who tells her, not you.

Sounds like she doesn’t want to be left out and things you’ll be with your family with the new baby on Christmas so she’s trying to ensure she doesn’t miss out. There’s no thought for you here. Your dh needs to step up and step up quickly, this won’t be the first time this happens. Stay strong for you and baby @Kirstymwh

Because if OP is in hospital she will get no Christmas at all. Better to have a good Christmas with another family member than no Christmas and frankly OP doesn’t want or need the hassle of having to worry about her.

I think it's unfair to plan to see your parents Christmas day and not you're in laws. You're either up to seeing people or you're not, it's not fair to pick one set of grandparents over the other.

In your shoes, I'd decamp to my parents and leave "DH" to host his own mother. They can pop by sometime in the afternoon to say hi to the baby.

You are NOT being unreasonable.

I’m in the same boat. I’ve had a high risk pregnancy, with multiple hospital stays and my baby is going to be delivered early via c-section. I will be very early postpartum at Christmas, still recovering from surgery.

We’ve had both my DM and MIL trying to get us to come over to one of their houses for Christmas. Multiple times. They both live 30-45mins drive away. My mother has backed off a bit with it now and says she got a bit carried away as a first time Grandmother. My MIL on the other hand KEEPS asking. She’s downplaying my experience with a “well I had to just pick up and get on with it when I had mine” That’s great, but sadly I’ve not and won’t have that experience.

We’re spending Christmas at home, with my step kids. My DH has explained the situation multiple times. He doesn’t want his newborn baby in a house with dozens of other family members passing his baby around. He doesn’t want his newly postpartum wife having to sit through a Christmas Day, with no option to rest or lie down if needed. And yes, my MIL has other children and grandchildren who she’s having over on Christmas Day. There will be 14 family members there that day. We also usually have a great relationship.

Your DH needs to advocate for you and stand up for you. Even with a straightforward pregnancy and delivery, you’re going to be experiencing crashing hormones, bleeding etc. You need to be comfortable!

It does look like you’re picking a favourite Grandparent, but I get it. Your own family when you’re vulnerable is very different. Would it be possible to spend Christmas at home? It’s just a day at the end of it all and if people want to come visit you, fine.

She's a cunning sly witch. In our culture, unfortunately, certain things are considered normal, such as, MIL coming to stay for extended periods of time, supposedly helping out etc. What she did was, cook for everyone (her food is very unhealthy though), get so involved with my baby that it looks like she's helping but she's doing more harm than good. It would be hard to explain over a message but our men are clueless about these things.

For example, she would wait till DH came home to belittle me. The way she did it was, over dinner while we're eating, speaking to me very sweetly calling me sweetheart, darling etc, then saying you did such and such thing and this is no good blah blah (really petty things), and then look at her son for a reaction. It was done so smoothly that he'd think his mom was kind enough to teach his wife how things are done.

The fact that she waited the whole day and brought things up infront of my hubby says it all. She would make me nervous while I bathed my baby just because I was slow and wanted to do it well. She would make faces and say "you're dumb or you're a tortoise, you're a weakling ' but in front of her son she'd say don't worry I'm telling you this to teach you but you're very slow. The whole demeanour changed, that's why I kept getting upset. She's one fake bitch and I'm not sorry to say that.

Would any of the #bekind-ers be able to offer a proper explanation as to why it's important to #bekind to MIL but OP (the one who is about to give birth if you'll recall) doesn't deserve kindness or consideration?
Why can't MIL #bekind and not impose herself at a delicate time?
Why can't the DH #bekind and place OPs comfort above all others?

Just stating it over and over is no good. Why is MIL more important than OP?

OP i really feel for you. Your husband has absolutely no idea. Mine was the same. What if you have to have emergency surgery? If you have forceps you'll be very sore and certainly not in a fit state to receive visitors. Even if a straightforward birth, then you will feel so protective and not up for Christmas plans. You are right to keep things very laid back, no plans. What you have to do, and i know because i have had this with my husband, is to be quiet and firm. You have said no all day Christmas visitors, and that is that. No need for aguement, you have said it and that is that. X

You are having a boy. One day you will probably have a dil. Will you be happy if she always prioritises her family seeing grandchildren on special days?

She doesn’t have to be on her own. She could go to her other sons, or her single son could spend Christmas at hers. She risks being on her own if OP’s baby is overdue .

I’m a MIL and I think she is being very insensitive and selfish

Don’t be ridiculous.

Forget the fact that the OP will be heavily pregnant/in labour/postpartum, you don't invite someone to another person's gathering. Not all families are the more the merrier type and it's a really rude thing to do. Has he even asked your family if they'd be happy with this plan or just assumed?

Absolutely This. 🩷

I agree, this is such a precious time, it's the one time you must put yourself first. We never do though, do we...

First of all, it's a very loose 'plan' and the OP may not even be seeing her parents.
More to the point, 'seeing people' isn't one monolithic concept. Are you not able to understand that the OP might feel OK about her close family seeing her possibly in pain/bleeding/tetchy/breastfeeding/disorientated/crying with tiredness, but not so OK about less-close people seeing her like that?

Why shouldn’t she be? It’s perfectly understandable to me in the immediate post partum period. This is not going to be the for every special event going forward.

It is different between the op (if well enough) is being kindly hosted by her own family (10 minutes away) on Christmas Day. It doesn’t seem like mil has offered to host instead. So the op may not be home to accommodate seeing her mil on that day, but is possibly able to on Boxing Day. It may transpire that circumstance mean the op won’t see any family over these two days. Or perhaps Christmas Day will be a blowout but does see MiL on Boxing Day. This is the thing about giving birth and those first few days, you simply cannot make plans to accommodate others. Especially plans where others are expecting your attention and to be hosted.

There's A LOT of projection on this thread.

Christmas sure brings out the crazy!