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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fake engagement ring

147 replies

noidea22 · 17/11/2023 19:09

I’ve been married for 8 years, and it’s always been on my mind. I can’t quite figure out how I feel about this.

My husband proposed to me with a £150 engagement ring. He had more than £100,000 savings in his account. But he was on a student visa and had not started working as he did not have a work visa. He was not able to work until he had a visa through marrying me. So I understand that he felt like he could not spend money without having a job.

He thought it was a real diamond, and never told me otherwise. His mother also advised him to buy this ring.

Some feminist part of me thinks that engagement rings are a bit backward and to just not worry about it. But then another part of me thinks I really deserve a beautiful ring like everyone else. I don’t wear my engagement ring because when I look at it I just feel like I was lied to. And it feels fake.

What would you think if you had this happen to you? Should I wear the ring?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 17/11/2023 19:12

Oh, mate.

growgrowinggrown · 17/11/2023 19:14

He thought it was a real diamond, so he didn't actually lie to you.
I never got an engagement or wedding ring, we had no money back then. But we were massively in love, and that was more than enough to establish a fabulous relationship on.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/11/2023 19:14

The time to care about this was surely a) when he proposed or b) before you got married. If you didn’t like the ring and an expensive ring was important to you then it would have made more sense to say “not until you buy me another ring.”

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/11/2023 19:16

And if neither of you could tell at the time that it wasn’t a diamond then presumably it actually looks like a very nice ring.

friyay123 · 17/11/2023 19:20

Im not quite sure what the issue is here? you say you feel lied too, but he said he thought it was a real diamond?

Did you like the ring before you found out it was £150? I feel like the issue is more because you wanted it to be expensive?!

I personally am not materialistic at all, for me it's the meaning of the ring, not the cost. I couldn't bare walking around with thousands of pounds worth of engagement ring, and think that sort of money can be spent on other things.

To me, it reads as though you're pissed off because he only spent £150, which I feel is quite unreasonable? It's not as if he told you he spent thousands and actually spent £20, which again I probably wouldn't care about.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 17/11/2023 19:21

Why don't you ask for a decent ring for your next anniversary?
Tell him you'd like to choose it (to keep his mother out of it), and ask him how much he's prepared to pay upto for it?
You don't have to go all out and get the most expensive ring you can find.
Or, just start leaving hints, if you feel you can't ask directly, like, "Oooh, isn't that a beautiful ring?! I'd love a new one."
Or leave jewellery catalogues laying around, open to rings. Look in hewelkwrs windows when you're out together.

Or, accept that he wasn't frivolous when he wasn't working but still wanted to buy you a pretty ring to cement his love for you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2023 19:23

Suggest a decent ring for your anniversary, an eternity ring? Why does he think you don’t wear your current ring? And sorry, but did he think he got a real diamond for £150 or have I got confused?

Acheyknees · 17/11/2023 19:24

Why isn't the 150 pound ring a decent ring? At what cost does it become a decent ring?

coldcallerbaiter · 17/11/2023 19:26

I do not understand? He spent £150 and thought it was a real diamond? Was it a speck as that is all you could get for that.

Is the ring solid gold? Or is it plate? Plate will wear out.

You can get nice bigger lab created diamonds for less but the ring must be solid gold or it is just a piece of costume crap.

His mother telling him to buy the £150 ring, she knew it was not real,
I have no doubt.

How did you find out it was not real?

Circularargument · 17/11/2023 19:27

Overthinking and being precious here. The idea that you "deserve " expensive jewelry for getting married and you have to be like "everyone else" ( not in fact, plenty don't care) is capitalist shite and profoundly unfeminist.

Is he a decent man who treats you well? That is all that matters, the rest is tinsel trappings of no account

BlowMyBubbles · 17/11/2023 19:28

My wedding ring was £15 of ebay. A ring for the day, something which holds special meaning, one day I'll get what I would like but it's a perfect stand in ring that holds a special meaning. It's value is more than its cost.

Why are you putting importance on cost over meaning?

Lovemychair · 17/11/2023 19:30

How much do you think he should have spent?

myhusbandwantsadog · 17/11/2023 19:32

My grandmother never got an engagement ring and her marriage lasted three quarters of a century - they were a beautiful couple. Any idiot can buy a ring.

PeloMom · 17/11/2023 19:32

Your 10th anniversary is relatively soon. Ask him to upgrade it for the anniversary?

Catza · 17/11/2023 19:35

Erm, he though he bought a real diamond for £150?
Essentially, none of it matters. I presume you didn’t marry him for the jewellery. I really can’t comprehend your issue. Do you think having an expensive ring somehow makes you marriage more valid? What did you get him when you got engaged? Do you think he might want a special expensive gift to commemorate your engagement too? Why do you think that you deserve an expensive ring? What did you do to deserve it?

GreyhpundGirl · 17/11/2023 19:38

noidea22 · 17/11/2023 19:09

I’ve been married for 8 years, and it’s always been on my mind. I can’t quite figure out how I feel about this.

My husband proposed to me with a £150 engagement ring. He had more than £100,000 savings in his account. But he was on a student visa and had not started working as he did not have a work visa. He was not able to work until he had a visa through marrying me. So I understand that he felt like he could not spend money without having a job.

He thought it was a real diamond, and never told me otherwise. His mother also advised him to buy this ring.

Some feminist part of me thinks that engagement rings are a bit backward and to just not worry about it. But then another part of me thinks I really deserve a beautiful ring like everyone else. I don’t wear my engagement ring because when I look at it I just feel like I was lied to. And it feels fake.

What would you think if you had this happen to you? Should I wear the ring?

Good grief. My engagement ring was tiny. I've got a show stopper (non conventional).wedding ring which I bought myself. .My husband has always earned significantly more than me. Why are you hung up on this?

BIossomtoes · 17/11/2023 19:40

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2023 19:23

Suggest a decent ring for your anniversary, an eternity ring? Why does he think you don’t wear your current ring? And sorry, but did he think he got a real diamond for £150 or have I got confused?

All of you sneering at the idea of a diamond costing as little as £150 - have you not seen how many second hand rings are available at that sort of price?

Cinty6 · 17/11/2023 19:40

Hmmm difficult one. Of course a ring is just something material but I must say I’d be disappointed if my husband to be didn’t know me and know that I’d be disappointed by that. It’s something most of us wear every single day and hopefully forever so I think we should all love them.

missmollygreen · 17/11/2023 19:40

Feminist you say?

Coconutter24 · 17/11/2023 19:44

Has this bothered you for 8 years or have you recently found out the ring only cost £150? What did you think to the ring before you found out the cost of it?

“But then another part of me thinks I really deserve a beautiful ring like everyone else.”
….. I won’t lie that sounds so shallow and it should make no odds to you what everyone else has.

If you don’t like the ring ask for another for your anniversary, Christmas or birthday to replace it. Although I don’t think the cost should matter surely the proposal is the main thing

Whiteday · 17/11/2023 19:46

Engagement ring £75, wedding ring £35

36 years later ..... happy 😃

UpUpUpU · 17/11/2023 19:50

Sounds like he was just after the Visa so didn’t want to spend too much.
Do you have a good marriage now?

APocketOfGooseFood · 17/11/2023 19:50

My engagement ring cost less than yours (antique gold and diamond). My wedding ring was £45. I have never equated the amount spent with how much I am loved. I have never envied anyone else’s ring. I stopped wearing my engagement ring daily after about 3 years. Over 20 years later, we love each other more than ever, and have weathered all kinds of difficulties as a solid couple. That is the bit of being married which matters - not jewellery. You need to recalibrate your values.

Threesmycrowd · 17/11/2023 19:50

As soon as I read this I knew mumsnet would leap in with the materialistic comments. You aren't allowed to want anything nice/high value on mumsnet. I get it OP. A lot of men scrimp and save to be able to give their fiancee the best ring they can afford - if £150 was all your dh had in the world I suspect you'd feel differently about this ring. He had £100k and still bought you something 'cheap' (compared to many). I agree with the suggestions of a nice ring for your 10 year anniversary if you feel you can raise that with dh.

cruisebaba1 · 17/11/2023 19:52

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩LTB