Fake engagement ring

[noidea22]

I’ve been married for 8 years, and it’s always been on my mind. I can’t quite figure out how I feel about this.

My husband proposed to me with a £150 engagement ring. He had more than £100,000 savings in his account. But he was on a student visa and had not started working as he did not have a work visa. He was not able to work until he had a visa through marrying me. So I understand that he felt like he could not spend money without having a job.

He thought it was a real diamond, and never told me otherwise. His mother also advised him to buy this ring.

Some feminist part of me thinks that engagement rings are a bit backward and to just not worry about it. But then another part of me thinks I really deserve a beautiful ring like everyone else. I don’t wear my engagement ring because when I look at it I just feel like I was lied to. And it feels fake.

What would you think if you had this happen to you? Should I wear the ring?

OP I understand your feelings about wanting a decent ring.
This is MN & you'll have posters who proclaim they'd be happy to wear a bit of wire on their finger because they're so in looooove & you're a materialistic gold digger for wanting more..

The 2 things are not mutually exclusive- you can be in love & still want a nice ring.

You've been together 8 years now & presumably are more settled etc so its time to have a chat. Tell him you'll always love the original ring because of the occasion it represents from the start of your marriage but you'd like an eternity ring of your choice for anniversary / Christmas/ birthday - whatever.

And that you'd like to choose it together & have a lovely day out with a nice lunch or dinner

I have 3 beautiful bespoke expensive rings. I adore my husband & I also adore my rings. I got the engagement & wedding rings of my dreams 20 years ago & 20 years later I now have the eternity ring of my dreams. They're all made my the same jeweller & every single day they make me happy when I put them on.

Good luck op

I totally get it. We were skint when we got engaged and married. I was given a small sum of money to pick and buy my own ring, which I love but as time has gone on my tastes have changed and I have friends with blingy rings which I now prefer. It does mean that I have no sentimental views towards my original engagement ring and just buy nice rings to wear on my wedding finger and change them as I see fit.

My husband has given me money to buy a new engagement ring but if he's not with me helping me choose it then a new ring still doesn't have a meaning for me so I use it at as a money pot for any jewellery I fancy because at least I know he has paid for it!

Currently I'm wearing a lovely vintage opal and diamond ring.

He's happy, I'm happy and after 35 years of marriage the engagement ring situation isn't that important anymore.

What the real issue?

That you think he should have spent more on a ring, given the amount of s@bings he had?

That he should have realised that a £150 ring could not be a real diamond?

That his mother advised him to buy a cheap ring?

This ^^

and I don’t have an engagement or wedding ring at all as I don’t like what they represent. We spent what would have been spent on a ring on our honeymoon and had a lovely time together. But that’s personal choice and I wouldn’t knock anyone who does have a ring. OP expected her DH-to-be to spend some of his money on her. He had enough. It would be materialistic to expect someone to get into debt to buy a ring but when there is a load of money sitting there it does feel a bit tight.

Can you just ask him to get you a lovely ring now?

That this is about an engagement ring is a bit of a red herring. This man, despite having quite a lot of money set aside, chose to buy the cheapest possible thing for his wife. It doesn’t matter if it is a ring, a hoover or a car.

Well this is sad. I’d feel disrespected and hurt OP but what you can do about it is tricky. Presents are given not demanded, if you have to ask for something then it isn’t a present anymore.

What you need is him yo spontaneously give you a valuable replacement ring but men are dim sk that isn’t going to happen.

I wouldn’t wear it, no. In your situation I’d probably say I want an eternity ring and pick it out myself but it wouldn’t be the same as something chosen for me.

Is he stingy / dominated by his mother in other ways?

I'm not materialistic but understand why you're upset. He needed to get married to get a work visa & spent just £150 out of £100k. I think it depends on whether he has just kept that money to himself. Or has he used it to buy a house & for family life? Does he benefit more from being in the UK than if he stayed in his home country (pension, healthcare etc)? If so it's been £150 well spent. It also sounds like his Mum is overly involved in this.

I think if I was wildly in love (never likely to happen again) I would just laugh and be happy at some market tat skull ring. I'm really not into jewellery like I used to be. I have a plain 22ct gold band and an art deco diamond platinum ring and that's it.

If you do feel strongly about it then look up a ring you'd love and say to him it's important to you that he buys you a piece of commitment jewellery that you love?

One of the sweetest things I heard was from a woman I worked with briefly, they couldn't have children but he prepared her favourite cocktail without fail every single Friday night when she got back from work. That made me smile that he showed his love in that way.

It’s tacky to get hung up about how much a present cost IMO; the giver’s financial circumstances are irrelevant. Maybe your DH thinks expensive blingy rings are a pointless waste of money? I happen to agree! If you want an expensive ring, buy yourself one.

@MarryingMrDarcy I sort of agree - one of my favourite things is a love heart a friend gave me in 1997. I think it's nickel.

Depends how important it is to OP though.

After 8 years together is he generally stingy with spending on you? Is his mother involved in his decision making more than you?
if yes, then you have a DH problem, rather than a ring problem.
If no to both then maybe suggest he could go with you to buy an eternity ring and a nice lunch for your next anniversary.

It's not tacky @MarryingMrDarcy to care about the jewellery you wear. It's something that's personal to each person. To a lot of people their engagement & wedding rings are the most important jewellery they'll ever own.

I agree with the poster who said it's all relative & clearly the op did not & does not feel prioritised by her husband.

I could buy myself any ring I fancied, and I have done, but its not the same thing as a ring bought by my husband & I understand the OPs thoughts on that

I think a conversation about it will allow the OP to know where she stands with this

Read what I wrote again - I said it was tacky to get hung up about how much a present costs. It is tacky to look at a gift from someone and evaluate it purely in terms of its monetary value. People who do that tend to be horrendous snobs or impressed by material things, i.e. not very nice or wise.

I don’t care about expensive jewellery so I have no skin in this game. I still think if OP wants an expensive ring, she should buy it for herself instead of expecting DH to buy it for her.

@MarryingMrDarcy when I was with ex I was unhappy and became materialistic.

So I bought designer clothes etc to compensate for the emotional lack. My father always told me to sell my jewellery if I ever got into trouble. I did get into trouble after he died (breakdown after rape) so I sold most of it off.

Your views and priorities can change over time. However if OP wants an expensive ring I hope she can talk to her husband about it.

🙄 Oh, Mumsnet 😂😂😂

I’m sorry that happened to you, and I hope things have improved.

Yes, jewellery can and indeed used to serve the purpose of giving women ownership over something valuable which could be sold if needed, particularly when options for women to make money were limited. If the OP is in a similar situation, then perhaps asking for an expensive ring wouldn’t be a bad move - it doesn’t sound like it though from their first post.

OPs ring is about as fake as their post…

@noidea22 I think that if he'financially secure now he should get you a ring you'd be happy to wear.

I don’t care about expensive jewellery so I have no skin in this game. I still think if OP wants an expensive ring, she should buy it for herself instead of expecting DH to buy it for her.

The problem is he gave her a fake diamond ring, presumably implying it was diamond. That was deceptive. If he genuinely didn't know, he should've wanted to replace it as soon as he could. If he did know, bloke's a bit of a shyster.

I have a lovely Diamonique blingy ring somewhere I helped choose, but it was never passed off to me as real.

This is what OP said: He thought it was a real diamond, and never told me otherwise.

Not sure how OP discovered how much the ring cost, or how OP knows it’s not real diamond. Have they had it inspected by a jeweller? Also not sure they are ever coming back to say more!

He's said to her he thought it was real, but we don't know if that's actually true or not.

Either way, any decent man, once money was ok, would want to get his wife something nice, or something genuine now he knows it's fake.

It's not a fake engagement ring, it's a ring you were given for your engagement... so it's an engagement ring 💍 The fact it wasn't a diamond is your issue, and I feel sorry for your DH that you are so bitter about it.

Sure, he can get her something nice. Why does it have to be an ‘expensive’ piece of jewellery, which seems to be the OP’s main problem - the ring it seems didn’t cost enough to make her happy or feel special. Why does the amount it cost have any relevance to anything?

Can you imagine receiving a gift and going ‘Thanks, but how much did it cost you relative to your savings/earnings? Sorry, that isn’t expensive enough for my taste - get me another one’. If that sounds awful, why do we think it would be outrageous in any other context but think it’s perfectly fine with an engagement ring?

If he's in a better place now financially, what about something like an eternity ring and enjoy the engagement ring as it's equally special in its way. Even if it isn't expensive.