Got called "woke" for standing up for a teenage girl on the bus

[Bdaybdilemma]

Was on my way home from town. The bus arrived and a teenage girl who had been stood next to the shelter climbed aboard ahead of the older people in the shelter, skipping the queue. A man (maybe 60 but tall and big build) standing behind her beside the shelter, pulled her backwards using the handle of her backpack, forcefully enough that it pulled her whole body backwards. She didn't say anything to him, kind of awkwardly smiled.

I didn't say anything at the time as I was trying to establish whether she knew him. He then sat at the front of the bus talking to the women she'd attempted to push in front of, and the girl went to sit at the back. I had a chat with her, she was quite shy and told me she didn't know him and she was just on her way home from college.

Just before my stop I approached him and told him quietly I'd seen him grab the backpack of the young woman to pull her backwards and it wasn't ok. He said she'd tried to cut the queue and it was just a little tug.

The two women who he was talking to then starting saying it was disrespectful (not sure if they meant the line cutting or me confronting him) and "oh are you woke". I said regardless of what you think of someone's behaviour it's unacceptable to touch them, and if he had grabbed the backpack of an older person, would that be respectful?

YABU - he was right to grab her
YANBU - he shouldn't have grabbed her

What all these comments about "rude little madams" are missing are the questions of proportionality and abuse of relative power.

Her crime (if it was a crime - it sounds like she just jumped on a bus with slightly unseemly haste) was very very petty. If I'd been her mum I'd have pulled her up on it privately.

But it in no way justifies a much more physically powerful man who she doesn't know from grabbing her backpack and pulling her back off the bus. That's a strikingly physical and aggressive way to deal with such a misdemeanour.

And as plenty of PPs have noted already, the crucial point here is that he wouldn't have dreamed of doing it to another man or probably even a teenage boy.

He was being a misogynist bully (and yes I know the language police are out but I'll call a spade a spade).

Obviously she shouldn't have queue jumped, but he should have kept his nasty hands off her. Also, what a load of old bollocks about woke-funny if it now seems to apply to anyone who calls out your aggressive behaviour..

Come on. A teenage boy stands a good chance of giving an old man a pasting.

Pulling anyone about isn't okay. If a 60 year old woman pushed past me, do I grab her hood and yank her back? Or would people say I owe her more manners than that?

Do we even know there was a queue?

What if she'd been there first and preferred to stand, and the others arrived later and sat/leaned in the shelter.

What if she'd already been there and moved to let them sit?

There is no universal bus shelter protocol, though generally one defers to those who were already there when one arrived...

But, she's getting on probably waving a pass and going to sit at the back, it makes more sense for her to get on first and get out the way, leaving the others clear to sit nearer the front which is probably where they'd prefer to be.

Whatever happened though, no excuse for grabbing anyone, we have the ability to use words and should do so.

I would have yanked her back as well.

Why poke your beak in to something that has absolutely nothing to do with you?

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong no, he is being a bully. We can’t say whether he would have done it to a male child, so he may or may not be misogynistic, but it’s not that much of a leap given the way our society is structured and the level of entitlement that many older (particularly white) men have. Obviously not all of them and there’s plenty of entitlement elsewhere. Either way he absolutely was being a bully.

He needs to use his words, he's a big boy now. Honestly some men are just arseholes and think the way to solve things is with their hands. The teenage girl obviously just wasn't in on bus shelter 'etiquette'.

Gosh you sound like a delight.

I kind of agree that he wouldn't have pulled a boy.

But I don't think it's sexism. People in general are more afraid of teenage boys who can act out and get aggressive. Even when boys should be pulled aside, they aren't.

If a boy rudely pushed in front of a group of elderly people (or anyone) people wound too scared to even challenge verbally.

He shouldn't have put hands on her, but at the same time, she shouldn't have pushed in the queue.

I'd have probably quietly said something as well. Probably more for the benefit of the teenager than the man. If only so she can see an example of women speaking up for women.
He probably didn't mean any ill-intent, and it's probably something a lot of people would have done with a thoughtless teenager a generation or so ago. But it's not what's done NOW.
Hopefully both parties will think before acting next time.

Anyway you did right OP. He's a nasty sort and so too was the woman.

I can’t believe these responses - he grabbed her back back to stop the entitled madam
from leaping onto the bus in front of the people who had queued, he didn’t grab her arm or any part of her body! No wonder the UK has a generation of snowflakes, that are more interested in posting their “trauma” on Instagram than being decent people.

I did it. Local bus drivers were on strike so very sketchy service mainly driven by inspectors but a few drivers who presumably weren't in the union. I was in a queue for well over an hour, finally got near the front of the queue Hooray!

So the bus pulls up, everyone gets off as it was the terminus and before anyone got on two men who were probably 18 to early 20s walked past the queue and were about to get on the bus. Lots of muttering but no one doing anything so I stepped in front of them and said it was a queue and they needed to get to the back. Gasps from the audience, swearing from the offenders and they walked off.

maybe so, but she is the one acting entitled by skipping the queue in the first place. Are we as a society ok with young females being allowed to skip ahead simply based on their gender and then playing the victim when pulled up on it. Are only females allowed challenge other females on their entitled behaviours? It is something to think about. Not defending this man, just the presumptions being made about these two people.

"Young females"... wtf

If it were my child I would be very grateful someone did this, while agreeing she obviously shouldn’t push in. She’s a kid and if anyone should say anything it’s the driver.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong

Are we as a society ok with young females being allowed to skip ahead simply based on their gender and then playing the victim when pulled up on it. Are only females allowed challenge other females on their entitled behaviours? It is something to think about. Not defending this man, just the presumptions being made about these two people.

No one has said she should have been allowed to skip the queue because of her sex (not gender btw). We are saying that her skipping the queue doesn't justify him putting his hands on her.

I really don't understand why people are struggling to understand this...

WTF is 'woke' about being against people assaulting other people? There are so many idiots in the world. 😞

While he was completely wrong to have grabbed her bag and I do not condone his actions, now it is done, you could also say that maybe the teen will think twice before she pushes into a queue in future.

I agree with you, her skipping does not at all justify his actions, I said that in my earlier post. But my reply was to a poster suggesting he only did this because she was a younger woman and because he is an entitled and misogynistic man. I think that's a huge leap based on what we know.

Physically touching another person without their consent is not ok. It’s this type of incident that gets explained away with ‘well she shouldn’t have pushed in’ that builds the foundations for male entitlement and violence. I can absolutely guarantee you he would not have grabbed a man that was physically bigger than him and that’s the problem. What a prick.

In my eyes no rational adult instantly takes physical measures to correct a strangers behaviour. I can’t believe people think this is ok. Why couldn’t he have asked her to wait in turn?

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong

I agree with you, her skipping does not at all justify his actions, I said that in my earlier post. But my reply was to a poster suggesting he only did this because she was a younger woman and because he is an entitled and misogynistic man. I think that's a huge leap based on what we know.

None of us know this man... but I'd be prepared to bet good money he wouldn't have done that with another man.

You say “ a minor breach of bus queue etiquette” whereas I see a rude entitled kid who hasn’t been brought up properly. Queueing and taking turns is quite a fundamental part of society and no, I can’t just brush this off as being a teenager. I don’t think there is a sex element here. I’m a woman and I would have grabbed the backpack and said wait your turn as well. This kid behaved badly.

i am not woke, for what it is worth - full on support for LGB but T can get lost. And lost again.