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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday , who is right/wrong

130 replies

glassyhag · 17/11/2023 12:38

I'm going to try to be as simple as possible here.

Grand parents booked a cruise for summer 2025 and offer to take their eldest grandchild who will be 4 and offer the same to their nephew who will be 6. Both children play together occasionally and get on great at the grand parents house and aunties house, but don't spend a huge amount of time together else where. At 4 and 6 this means both kids will be eligible for the kids clubs within the same group and old enough to understand why they are not with their mum and dad at home.

Also , the nan's younger sister is going and taking her two children who will be 9 and 12. So lots of cousins having fun and help on hand to watch the younger ones. The parents of the grand child were 100% fine with this trip with grand parents despite initially being put out that the grand parents would not pay for them and the two other grand children to go on the same trip.

But something has been lost in translation and the parent has just realised 4 months on that the 6yo cousin is going (this was never hidden and has been openly discussed but the mum was pregnant and not sleeping well so may well have forgotten) and has expressed their unhappiness. They feel the grandparents should be taking their other grand child instead, who will be 3 at the time.

The grand parents have said they do not feel able to look after a 3 and a 4 year old for an entire week but will happily take both the children away for a week the following year and then the year after that take all 3 grand children away. ( she has 3 kids under age 3 ).

The grand parents are also planning on buying a motor home for retirement in 5 years, specifically to take the children travelling, as they will be old enough then to go for as long as they/the parents feel comfortable. Only adding this to show the GPs have every intention of spending some holidays with all the grand children every single year as soon as they are old enough. This trip is NOT a one off.

Anyway, now the parent has said her child is not allowed to go on the holiday as the grand parents are taking the nephew instead of the middle grand child. The grand parents have said they will not be forced into taking a child they don't feel they can safely care for , especially as he wouldn't be in the same kids club as his brother.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Hecate01 · 17/11/2023 12:42

If the grandparents are paying then it's up to them who they ask but it's up to the parents if they allow them to go. The parents should definitely not dictate who goes.

TeaKitten · 17/11/2023 12:43

It’s pretty clear you are the grandparent. The mum is BU having a strop about it. But there isn’t a world of difference between a 3 year old and a 4 year old so I can see her point in a way. 4 and 6 year old may well not want to go to the kids clubs etc anyway as 4 is very young still. If her kids had a few years between them it’d be much more understandable to take one and not the other. But they are a year apart so I can see why she’s taken offence. But again, I do think she’s being unreasonable having a strop and saying the 4 year old can’t go.

Coolblur · 17/11/2023 12:43

It's entirely up to the grandparents who they take and frankly the parents are very lucky to receive such an offer.
If she doesn't like the arrangement her child doesn't have to go. Beyond that it's nothing to do with her.
Some people are so entitled.

nibblessquibbles · 17/11/2023 12:46

That's ridiculous. Expecting the grandparents to take 3 children or not taken the cousin in favour of the 3 year old. Grandparents can offer to take rhe kids they feel they can manage and the she can either accept or decline but can't insist on who is taken

Sundaefraise · 17/11/2023 12:48

I honestly think the grandparents should have realised it was never going to go well when they excluded one child so close in age to the other and that picking and choosing was a recipe for disaster. Grandparents should have cruised alone and then if they wanted a family holiday done something self catering in uk that involved all family members.

Mylovelygreendress · 17/11/2023 12:48

one of my DGC is 4 and I simply cannot imagine taking them on a cruise ship ! Probably just me but I would be anxious about stormy weather, falling overboard etc !! We do go on holiday but firmly on the ground .

KatBurglar · 17/11/2023 12:51

The parent of the 3yo is unreasonable. The child is to young for the kids' club and looking after a 3yo full time on a ship would be a nightmare.

If the parent feels very strongly about not splitting up the siblings, that's fine, and neither goes, but the grandparents shouldn't be expected to look after such a young child.

SeulementUneFois · 17/11/2023 12:51

I think the way the grandparents have done it is the only reasonable way:
One child from each family.

obje · 17/11/2023 12:55

Is the boy who will be 6 (the nephew) a grandson of the grandparents?

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/11/2023 12:56

I got confused trying to work out the family tree but anyway.

Who is paying for the younger sister and her kids to go? If she is paying her own trip then it's fair enough to say if any other adults want to go then they pay for themselves.

But if there are enough adults to look after 4 kids then surely there's enough to look after 5?

Does the nephew have any siblings who also aren't going?

Saying that, I agree with PP who wouldn't want their 4 yo on a cruise at all. I'm not a boat person at all so the idea of floating around for several days does not fill me with excitement.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 17/11/2023 13:00

And when the baby arrives it will still be unfair... Surely dgps should just take the dc of the apprective dps?

Original poster

glassyhag · 17/11/2023 13:00

For clarity the adult daughter and the mother of the 6 year old do not get on despite being cousins and being very close in age. They have a class of personality, they are both very alike and so but heads.

Also, yes I am the grandparent, and we currently have the two eldest kids for anything from 2-24 hours and it's hard. I am still parenting myself, I have a 15 year old and all that comes with that.

We decided to take my nephew and our eldestDGS as they get on great, play lovely together and 4 and 6 is a great age to be in kids clubs etc. it's absolutely not a slur that we don't want to take the two youngest grand kids with us. But my DH will very likely still be waiting for a partial knee replacement by then and I will still be waiting for my full knee replacement.

And yes, we are paying for everything for both boys and will always cover the costs if we take our grand kids away. I think for Mr part of the problem is that my daughter thinks she's doing US a favour by allowing us to have the kids but in reality we feel we are doing her a favour . We absolutely love them of course but I want it to be a pleasure to have them, not an enforced duty. That's why we made the choice we did.

I the NAN have 3 sisters. One is coming with me and bringing her children. I am taking our other sisters kid that will be 6. And then I'm taking my grand son ergo will be 4. So 4 adults and 4 kids aged 4-12 .

OP posts:

budgiegirl · 17/11/2023 13:01

While it's a lovely offer by the grandparents to take their grandchild on holiday, if I were the parent of a 4 yo and 3yo, I would find it odd that they would invite one child and not the other. But I wouldn't make a fuss, I would simply turn down the offer of the holiday. This would be regardless of what other children are going.

OP, I assume that you are the grandparent? While I can see that what you are offering is lovely, I can also see it from the parent's point of view. It's fine if you don't feel up to looking after two small children (and totally understandable). But it's also fine for the parent to turn down the offer in these circumstances.

Original poster

glassyhag · 17/11/2023 13:02

And to further explain, my daughter currently has a 4 week old, a just turned 1 yo and a 2 yo boy. It's the eldest we would be taking in 2025. My sisters son is an only child and he will be 6 and is definitely coming with me regardless. I would never ever invite a child on holiday to suit anyone. Especially not when he's seen the pictures and videos of the water parks and high ropes courses and the kids clubs and is already excited

OP posts:

Hagpie · 17/11/2023 13:03

I think you are being reasonable OP. You’re taking as many children as you can manage! I would not take ANY children that age on a boat, as my nerves would be fried. 😂

Diverpanda · 17/11/2023 13:03

KatBurglar · 17/11/2023 12:51

The parent of the 3yo is unreasonable. The child is to young for the kids' club and looking after a 3yo full time on a ship would be a nightmare.

If the parent feels very strongly about not splitting up the siblings, that's fine, and neither goes, but the grandparents shouldn't be expected to look after such a young child.

I agree.

missnevermind · 17/11/2023 13:04

If I was Granny I would say no problem no 4 year old.
The place is paid for so I will just take the neighbours kid - or random other - instead.

OhNoForever · 17/11/2023 13:07

If it's your sisters son, who on earth is your daughters cousin that she has the personality clash with? Bit of a hole in your back story family tree there op.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 17/11/2023 13:08

So out if the little ones the 3 yo will be left behind but not the 4yo? I think yabu, either take all 3 or none at all.

I dont blame mum for stopping that.

It sounds like you want the 6yo for company for the 9 year old. Whilst the kids would have fun, I think at the root of it you are motivated by wanting the easy kids to occupy eachother.

Original poster

glassyhag · 17/11/2023 13:09

missnevermind · 17/11/2023 13:04

If I was Granny I would say no problem no 4 year old.
The place is paid for so I will just take the neighbours kid - or random other - instead.

This is the plan. I am 100% fine if my daughter had changed her mind and wants to keep her child at home . But she is expecting me to cancel my nephews place and to take her middle child instead ( which would STILL leave a 2 year old at home with them, why is it fair to split him from his siblings?) .

I will not cancel the place of the only child who understands that he has been invited on holiday and is excited, to fit my daughters demands that I take two children whom I don't feel capable of safety caring for for a whole week.

And this is the sticking problem we have. I think she feels we are prioritising the nephew when in reality we invited the two kids we did as they would be the lowest maintenance and really enjoy playing together. They can go in the same club etc and will love it.

Maybe I will just take a friends kid to use the space, it's paid for after all 😁

OP posts:

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 17/11/2023 13:11

No disrespect but what happens when they are ALL old enough and you aren't as young as now....? You will have drama about some having been away more than others...

Peridot1 · 17/11/2023 13:11

Personally I think you are mad taking any of them.

I think taking one from each family is still divisive. As the children get older the one who didn’t go will wonder why. And a three year old is well aware his big brother is going off without him. They are too close in age to explain so that he will understand.

I wouldn’t be letting any of my children go.

Original poster

glassyhag · 17/11/2023 13:11

OhNoForever · 17/11/2023 13:07

If it's your sisters son, who on earth is your daughters cousin that she has the personality clash with? Bit of a hole in your back story family tree there op.

Three sisters. Me , a, b.

I have 4 adult kids, one of those has 3 babies. A has two kids age currently 7-11. B has one child currently age 4 . It's my eldest kid, the mum of 3 babies that doesn't get along with B as they are close in age and similar in personality.

OP posts:

Original poster

glassyhag · 17/11/2023 13:13

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 17/11/2023 13:11

No disrespect but what happens when they are ALL old enough and you aren't as young as now....? You will have drama about some having been away more than others...

I'm very young. Not even 45 yet. It's my DH who is retiring in a few years as he is older and then our lifestyle means we can travel with the grand kids if they want to. So I've still got a lot of life in me to be a grand parent.

OP posts:

Newbootsplz · 17/11/2023 13:23

I think this is pretty crappy of you OP. I have a 4 year old and 3 year old and my 3 year old would be heartbroken if big sis was going away with nanny without her. At 3 most kids are old enough to get excited about things and to realise that they are missing out on something.

I also suspect that you are the mother of the 6 year olds parent, and the other is your DIL.

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