Holiday , who is right/wrong

[glassyhag]

I'm going to try to be as simple as possible here.

Grand parents booked a cruise for summer 2025 and offer to take their eldest grandchild who will be 4 and offer the same to their nephew who will be 6. Both children play together occasionally and get on great at the grand parents house and aunties house, but don't spend a huge amount of time together else where. At 4 and 6 this means both kids will be eligible for the kids clubs within the same group and old enough to understand why they are not with their mum and dad at home.

Also , the nan's younger sister is going and taking her two children who will be 9 and 12. So lots of cousins having fun and help on hand to watch the younger ones. The parents of the grand child were 100% fine with this trip with grand parents despite initially being put out that the grand parents would not pay for them and the two other grand children to go on the same trip.

But something has been lost in translation and the parent has just realised 4 months on that the 6yo cousin is going (this was never hidden and has been openly discussed but the mum was pregnant and not sleeping well so may well have forgotten) and has expressed their unhappiness. They feel the grandparents should be taking their other grand child instead, who will be 3 at the time.

The grand parents have said they do not feel able to look after a 3 and a 4 year old for an entire week but will happily take both the children away for a week the following year and then the year after that take all 3 grand children away. ( she has 3 kids under age 3 ).

The grand parents are also planning on buying a motor home for retirement in 5 years, specifically to take the children travelling, as they will be old enough then to go for as long as they/the parents feel comfortable. Only adding this to show the GPs have every intention of spending some holidays with all the grand children every single year as soon as they are old enough. This trip is NOT a one off.

Anyway, now the parent has said her child is not allowed to go on the holiday as the grand parents are taking the nephew instead of the middle grand child. The grand parents have said they will not be forced into taking a child they don't feel they can safely care for , especially as he wouldn't be in the same kids club as his brother.

Who is being unreasonable?

If your daughter says no to taking any of the children, you could take the stepchild instead.

@glassyhag so I take it the 3rd wasn’t planned but she insisted on keeping it, has a 4 week old and suffers from emotional regulation anyway and was initially fine with it.

she sounds overwhelmed and on the pathway for ppd or pps and probably needs medical attention if this has come out of the blue. Could you help support her with that.

it is likely as well given what you aren’t saying any decision on the third pregnancy would cause issues

@BlueEyedPeanut the step child is a possibility although I've never met his mum I know his dad would be delighted if I took him as they could never afford it.

@Quartz2208 None of the children were planned and as far as I know she's not even on contraception now which kills me but she's an adult, what can I do? I am doing my best to support her but it's very much a matter of me still being a parent myself. My 15 yo dd is having some health issues at the moment and is really struggling with her GCSEs and we've got the mental health team visiting her every other day. Life is stressful and demanding and I adore my grandchildren but I do still have my own children ( their mum included) to consider. We have offered to pay for taking therapy or even psychotherapy for my eldest and even offered financial incentives for her to do it but she refuses. She doesn't see that she's struggling until things are bad, and will very grudgingly accept the tiniest possibility that she has PND but then refuses to take the tablets or do the therapy and we go round and round in circles. This happened after the first and second. She's also exhausted, not just new mum exhausted but 3 babies in 30 months exhausted. She looks like a shell of her former self and I am worried about her. But at the same time I've been parenting for 24 years and I'm also bloody tired and 3 babies under 3 are demanding! We have them for 6 hours now and are totally goosed 😂. But as they get older we will obviously be taking them more.

The parent is the one who's out of order. What an entitled pain in the arse.

Do not be bullied and stick to your plans.

Quietly look for a replacement child to fill the space that would work.

Going forward slow down with all these offers.

The grandparents who bend themselves out of shape most for their children and grandchildren, IMO are the least appreciated.

Step back.
Enjoy childfree holidays going forward.

Do not engage with your daughter.
Accept she has changed her mind about her child going and shut down any further conversation, its over.

Do not discuss the holiday again with her, as it no longer involves her in any way.

Firm up your boundaries or you are at risk of drowning in the entitled expectations of family and their ideas, of what you should be doing for them.

This is a common theme when some women retire.
Their adult children treat it as "oh goody, free childcare, extra set of hands to help me out constantly with pick ups, taking the children out" etc.

Many women do not want to spend their hard won retirement of 40 years of hard work and juggling, dealing with small children, even if they are their cute grandchildren.

Several women I know that were getting the "oh great you will be free to help" vibe, booked several holidays, gym classes and mentioned an OU course to get the message across firmly that their retirement plans did not include being at the beck and call of their children for daily childcare.

A little help for sure, particularly in emergencies, the odd evening babysitting etc., but boundaries are very important IMO
Firm boundaries prevent misunderstanding.