to assume she wouldn't take control of our building site?

[Housebuildingnamechange]

My last AIBU was also to do with my mother and didn't end well for me, so I am prepared to listen. Honest.

We are building a house beside my parents' at the moment. It is locked when our builders are not on site and appropriately signposted i.e. no unauthorised persons allowed, PPE at all times etc. I popped out to leave DS2 to nursery (a round trip of 20 mins) and came back to find the site open and a delivery being made by a third party. Nobody from our building company was on site.

It turns out my mother had met the delivery guy and decided to open the site for him. She then left for the day. She didn't know who he was, didn't check what he was delivering but told him where to put it all. She didn't let me or the site manager know she had done this.

I was angry, but spoke to her calmly and firmly on the phone about how she could not assume authority in this way. She was defensive and angry, telling me that she had been trying to help and that I should have told her that she wasn't allowed to do anything like this.

AIBU to have assumed that she should known that it was inappropriate to have taken control like this? She has a long history of 'taking over' so I am very sensitive to it, but I'm also aware that she has risked site security, our builder's insurance and didn't check the delivery (which, as it turns out, was supposed to have been cancelled, hence why nobody was on the site to receive it).

I'm trying very hard to be rational but I'm also frustrated and angry.

What? If you didn't tell her that she shouldn't let anyone in, then you're being very unreasonable. She did what 99% off us would do. None of your concerns would occur to me, if it wasn't my site and I hadn't needed to organise insurances etc or even known that they're necessary.

Also I wouldn't see it as "taking control" at all. That's an odd way to see a helpful act.

Oooh, ok. Even leaving it open, not checking the delivery, leaving the guy on his own? Like I said, I'm over sensitive to her behaviour.

I'd have done the same thing in her position unless specifically told otherwise. I would've dropped you a text though to say something had been delivered.

She’s not taking control, she thought she was being helpful. If you didn’t want her help you should have laid out the problems with insurance on site prior to starting the work. It’s not something one would automatically know about. It wouldn’t have occurred to me.

If you didn't want her to access the site, I am not entirely sure why you would give her a key. I would absolutely assume in this position that "no unauthorised access" would not apply to me as a family member and would think that I am being helpful. Mind you, I wouldn't let someone in the property unsupervised and leave for the day.
I wouldn't have a first clue about building insurance, not many people would so yes, you should have communicated clearly with her if you expected her not to enter the property. Maybe she has a history of "taking over" because you have difficulties establishing boundaries and communicating your expectations clearly.

Why are you building a house next door to someone who you are so sensitive to their behaviour? This sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster

I’d have assumed she was being helpful, too.

I get it’s difficult when there’s a backstory, though. But if things are so tricky that something like this irks you, are you sure you should be moving next door to her?

Yeah, it sounds like she was trying to make sure the delivery happened, which was presumably for something you need. On the face of it, seems reasonable to me and something I’d have done. But would probably have locked up again, depending on the progress of the build and how much of a risk it was.

That occurred to me too.

Seems like she was trying to help? I’d reconsider living next door to someone you clearly don’t like very much.

When I say 'delivery' I meant a trucks' worth of breeze blocks which are now all over the site. Significant delivery. I would have phoned the site manager straight away as I have no idea what's supposed to happen when, and my Mum has even less of an idea. If she hadn't interfered, the delivery guy would have phoned the site manager and none of this would have happened, which is why I'm annoyed she decided to butt in. But I clearly have issues with her outside of this.

Fully agree with this.

But on a practical level, if you don't want her accessing the site take her key away or change the locks.

I think most people with a building site on the edge of the property would assume that it was helpful to let the delivery people deliver whatever it was. I don't think anyone would see it as "taking over". I guess she could've let you know, but that was an oversight, not something motivated by ill will or spitefulness.

I wouldn't have known you aren't meant to accept deliveries or no one is meant to be there unless a site manager is present or whatever the rules are. I would see oh no there's a delivery and no one is there to receive it, well you definitely don't want the faff of not having the right materials there or having to re-arrange things, so I'll try to be helpful and let them in. I wouldn't assume a delivery person particularly needs to be supervised either, if they're just dropping something off. I wouldn't see that as taking control, more naïve trying to be helpful plus some crossed wires!

Why are you building a house next to her in the first place if you don't really like her??

Would it have bothered you more if you were expecting an important delivery and she'd refused them entry in case you were annoyed with her?
Non issue imo, she was trying to help, I'd have done the same

She tried to help. Why are you building a house next to her when you have such a fraught relationship?

It's a code - she asked the site manager for it once and he gave it to her.

These are all valid points, particularly the one about bad communication! We've been living with them for three years now. Not something I ever wanted to do, but it works well for everyone else. God, I'm so angry, so often.

If someone was delivering building material to a building site I would 100% let them in if I had the ability to do so, why would she question it? That would be a weirder thing to do.

She's not really "taking control" though - she's not telling contractors where to put the wall, or deciding on the tiles for your loo. All she did was open the gate for a delivery.

There is clearly a back story here, and you clearly think your mother has form for meddling in your business. So building a property on their land, right next door to their house seems an odd choice.

You're bonkers. Your mum let in a delivery, clearly intended for you and helped you out. Otherwise you could have had a huge delay

Your poor mum I bet she's dreading having you next door.

What you meant to say to her was " thank you for helping me "

Having just had an extension built we had deliveries turning up when no builder here, and I was not aware what was due when. I also gave them access and allowed them to deliver.

If its all secure and locked up how does she have access? Are you living with her? Does she have the "site managers number?" Either she's involved or she's not. You can't give her a key and builders number and build a house next door and live with her, and then accuse her of "taking over" when trying to help.

The delivery driver would have knocked on the door I assume. They have a schedule and a truck loaded in a certain order usually. I image was quite keen to drop off, and deliveries often happen with no-one present....in my experience he would likely have dropped outside the site if she hadn’t let him in....would that be better??

Living in her house
Building works next to her house
Leaving her to sort a huge delivery when she had to go to work

No thank you, just a moan.

Fucking ungrateful!

No, he would have phoned the site manager. I'm available to answer questions but I'm not in charge of the site so I wouldn't have just let anyone in that wasn't from the company, unless I'd been asked to.

She saw someone arrive, went out and interefered as far as I'm concerned. It's set us back slightly because the delivery shouldn't have happened, but it's not a huge issue.

The huge issues are my own, it seems!