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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to assume she wouldn't take control of our building site?

148 replies

Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 11:38

My last AIBU was also to do with my mother and didn't end well for me, so I am prepared to listen. Honest.

We are building a house beside my parents' at the moment. It is locked when our builders are not on site and appropriately signposted i.e. no unauthorised persons allowed, PPE at all times etc. I popped out to leave DS2 to nursery (a round trip of 20 mins) and came back to find the site open and a delivery being made by a third party. Nobody from our building company was on site.

It turns out my mother had met the delivery guy and decided to open the site for him. She then left for the day. She didn't know who he was, didn't check what he was delivering but told him where to put it all. She didn't let me or the site manager know she had done this.

I was angry, but spoke to her calmly and firmly on the phone about how she could not assume authority in this way. She was defensive and angry, telling me that she had been trying to help and that I should have told her that she wasn't allowed to do anything like this.

AIBU to have assumed that she should known that it was inappropriate to have taken control like this? She has a long history of 'taking over' so I am very sensitive to it, but I'm also aware that she has risked site security, our builder's insurance and didn't check the delivery (which, as it turns out, was supposed to have been cancelled, hence why nobody was on the site to receive it).

I'm trying very hard to be rational but I'm also frustrated and angry.

OP posts:
theresnolimits · 17/11/2023 12:22

Building next door? Have they given you the land? In which case Mum probably feels very embedded in the project.

Living with them for three years with DH and children? How much are you paying in rent? Is Mum used to helping out and the boundaries are blurred?

Don’t get me wrong - we lived with my parents once for 6 weeks between moves and fell out massively. I have every sympathy with you. But you have to suck it up sadly because they are doing you a massive favour.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 17/11/2023 12:23

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/11/2023 12:13

She probably wouldn’t realise how strictly building sites are regulated.

I would have no idea either.

Unless you told her not to let anyone in, I would assume she was trying to be helpful.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 17/11/2023 12:23

I mean I actually think she was in the wrong but clearly I'm in a minority. She had no idea what the delivery should have been made up of so what if there are items missing?
I get she thought she was being helpful but she also left a building site open-what if someone had wandered on there and had an accident?

BoohooWoohoo · 17/11/2023 12:25

OP I don't know if you noticed but your posts are all about what everyone else thinks or said with no consideration about your needs. I suspect that people take advantage and talk you into situations that are only in their interest because you don't consider what's best for you.

murasaki · 17/11/2023 12:25

She, and indeed you, shouldn't be on site without having had an h&s induction , relevant ppe etc.

This is a disaster waiting to happen even without the fact their next door amd your relationship is dodgy at best...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/11/2023 12:26

It genuinely seemed like a great idea at the time ... When we suggested buying somewhere rather than building next door, she cried. My Dad got very affronted and wanted to know what was wrong with living beside them

Oh dear Confused It's really not clear why you'd allow this to sway you, but each to their own and all that

Looking on the bright side you can always sell the place if it doesn't work out.
Doubtless they're cry/get affronted about that too, but at some point you'll need to make your own decisions

HappyHamsters · 17/11/2023 12:26

Change the code, don't let anyone give it out and don't complain if you're out and someone needs access in the future.

Original poster
Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 12:27

Thanks, @LookItsMeAgain I think one issue comes from me having lived far away all my adult life, so distanced created boundaries and I didn't have to. I lived my life! I looked after my kids with no help! I was an adult! Three years ago we moved back, in NO WAY intending to live them with my parents, but as I said everyone else thought it was a great idea, so it just kept on. Boundaries have been squished. I have felt guilty about us living here so I have not tried to establish them. It feels rude and wrong when you’re living in someone else's house ffs.

I've got to say, in three years I've only been this pissed off three times. And don't worry, my Mum is much better at sharing her thoughts about me than I am about her 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 12:29

@FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren my point exactly, much better articulated! Clearly there are other issues at play here as well though 😔

OP posts:
SuddenlyOld · 17/11/2023 12:40

If someone tried to deliver something like that and I wasn't expecting it I would have contacted someone to find out what was going on. I wouldn't just accept a delivery. So I do think your mum was wrong.

In future she should contact you before doing anything similar.

Original poster
Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 12:40

Thank you, everyone, this is been very helpful to untangle my brain. Two things jump out all of a sudden: the fact that my Dad won't sell us the land. He wants to give it to us, but hasn't signed it over. I'd like to buy it and I'm going to start pushing for that. The other is that Mum started making jokes about her living there when Dad dies. Lots of jokes. It's mentioned a lot.

I think they both feel the need to have a proper stake in this. They were both quite controlling when I was growing up and ridiculed my sister for being 'so contrary' i.e. having boundaries. Lots to think about on a Friday morning! Thanks again.

OP posts:
AMuser · 17/11/2023 12:44

“Taken control of the building site”

see when you use overblown, dramatic language like this it makes you sound daft.

Basically, your mum did what she thought was the correct helpful thing. You disagreed and thought she should have phoned you or the site manager. There’s nothing more to it than that.

Life must be exhausting if you’re ramping everything up by a factor of 100%.

FarEast · 17/11/2023 12:45

Unless your house is a multi-story mansion, referring to “the site” and the “site manager” is a bit OTT. It’s a houses d I expect your builder was expecting deliveries so he could get on with the job.

Unless, of course, you want delays ….

NotFastButFurious · 17/11/2023 12:45

I'd say she's done it with good intentions and I don't really see it as interfering, she probably thought she was helping. If you don't want her having to the site then get the code changed on the lock.
But I agree with PP that you seem to have bigger issues here and I can't see how living next door is going to help them!!

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 17/11/2023 12:46

If you’re already sensitive to your mothers behaviour what in gods sweet hell are you doing building a house NEXT DOOR?!?

but in reference to this thread, of course she was unreasonable for unlocking your secure site and not staying round to make sure all was ok.

boamorte · 17/11/2023 12:49

You seem to have a lot of issues with your mother but you're building a house next to her

Doesn't seem the best idea

Original poster
Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 12:50

@FarEast How would you describe it? It's definitely a building site at the moment and 'site manager' is the title of the guy in charge. Nothing happens without his say-so. Nobody goes on the site without his approval!

OP posts:
Original poster
Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 12:52

To clarify, the delivery was supposed to be cancelled. It's not a huge issue, I'm told, but if there had been delays it's not my responsibility - it would be that of the site manager to make up the time.

OP posts:
TaytoCheeseandOnion · 17/11/2023 12:56

You clearly dont like your mum very much. Why the fuck are you building a house next door to her?

LIZS · 17/11/2023 12:58

Are you living with your parents while building? She presumably thought you'd forgotten to tell her and used her initiative,

Middleagedmeangirls · 17/11/2023 12:59

If she hadn't given the delivery guy access he might have just left them off site which would be a massive hassle later.

ring her up and say sorry. It's bad enough you have to live with her without creating extra friction.

dancingsands · 17/11/2023 13:00

saamantha19881 · 17/11/2023 11:48

Why are you building a house next door to someone who you are so sensitive to their behaviour? This sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster

This

FirstFallopians · 17/11/2023 13:02

saamantha19881 · 17/11/2023 11:48

Why are you building a house next door to someone who you are so sensitive to their behaviour? This sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster

Absolutely this.

I haven’t read your previous thread but it seems like a crazy idea to choose to live in such close proximity to someone whose behaviour (rightly or wrongly) triggers this reaction.

HappyHamsters · 17/11/2023 13:04

It's the site managers fault for giving out the access code, have you discussed this with him instead of blaming mum.,

isthewashingdryyet · 17/11/2023 13:08

This is a legal nightmare.

Who is paying for the building ?

if you are and you don’t own the land you are building on, then what a mess.

get legal advice today, now, this minute.

you could lose the building, with no recourse, as quite rightly, you can’t just build on land someone else owns.
if you don’t fall out to the point of non contact, with your parents over this, then I will eat my hat