to assume she wouldn't take control of our building site?

[Housebuildingnamechange]

My last AIBU was also to do with my mother and didn't end well for me, so I am prepared to listen. Honest.

We are building a house beside my parents' at the moment. It is locked when our builders are not on site and appropriately signposted i.e. no unauthorised persons allowed, PPE at all times etc. I popped out to leave DS2 to nursery (a round trip of 20 mins) and came back to find the site open and a delivery being made by a third party. Nobody from our building company was on site.

It turns out my mother had met the delivery guy and decided to open the site for him. She then left for the day. She didn't know who he was, didn't check what he was delivering but told him where to put it all. She didn't let me or the site manager know she had done this.

I was angry, but spoke to her calmly and firmly on the phone about how she could not assume authority in this way. She was defensive and angry, telling me that she had been trying to help and that I should have told her that she wasn't allowed to do anything like this.

AIBU to have assumed that she should known that it was inappropriate to have taken control like this? She has a long history of 'taking over' so I am very sensitive to it, but I'm also aware that she has risked site security, our builder's insurance and didn't check the delivery (which, as it turns out, was supposed to have been cancelled, hence why nobody was on the site to receive it).

I'm trying very hard to be rational but I'm also frustrated and angry.

@PoppyOrange Yes, I see what you're saying. I do agree.

You don't own the land where you are building a house. Your father owns the land and won't sell it to you. Are you mad?

I agree with this, although not what OP asked for opinions on.

To spend the many thousands of pounds building a house on land that doesn't belong to you is quite insane. OP I think you need to protect that relationship with your parents to the utmost degree to avoid losing everything.

You had a delivery. No one was on site. She helped out.
Yes, she could have let you know.
but otherwise you would moan that you had s really important delivery, you were only gone for 20 mins, and your mum refused to help, even though she was right there.
on a different note - are you sure you want to move next to your parents?

Sounds like a mistake lots of people might make thinking it would be helpful.

I'm also fascinated by why you're building a house in this situation. Seems beyond insane.

I'd have let them in too.

And I would have been furious if I was in your circumstances if she'd sent a delivery away.

I would never have started a build without owning the land.
Hope you don't regret it.

If I was your mother, I would have asked the delivery guy to wait while I called you, to find out what to do. In my view, any reasonable person would have done the same.

You're Mum wasn't being unreasonable but, i can understand why it has annoyed you.

Why did you think it was a good idea to:

1 - live next door to your parents?
2 - Build on their land?

Out of interest - where are you living whilst the house is being built?

Dad won't sell us the land. He wants to give it to us, but hasn't signed it over

It just goes on getting worse - you've seriously committing to paying for a house that's on someone else's land before sorting this out??!!!

As someone who has always lived in the same village as her parents and now is at the beck and call to an elderly couple I would say think deeply about how long you want to live so very close to your parents.
Believe me when I say the stress goes on for years……

Christ it is going to be hard living next to your parents! That is totally understandable, most of us would struggle. I guess it's too late not to change that plan but I hope you plan on planting some very tall hedges or something!

My parents wanted us to build on their land but I knew it would be awful. My dad would be the most well meaning but interfering sod 😂 my dh would have killed him within a week!

Perhaps, your father doesn’t want to sell the land so you can’t change your mind one day and sell the house?

@Housebuildingnamechange Don't build the house OP. Not there. This will destroy your marriage (presuming you are married as you said "we") and your sanity

YABVU.

I mean, you seem more vexed about this mix-up with the delivery than you do over the fact you don't have any legal right to the land you're building a bloody house on.

I'm fairly sure your house would be un-sellable in this situation.

With very controlling parents OP, you have really backed yourself into a corner.

Unfathomable.

If you are at brick buying stage, can you halt things until you regularise the site ownership?

You surely have had legal advice as to just how vulnerable this situation places you in?

Spot on as usual ...

This is all MAD!

Why are you building a house on a piece of land which you don’t own. That is INSANE. What the hell are you going to do if your father changes his mind? Why didn’t you sort this first?

Why are you planning on living next to your parents when it’s quite clear you don’t get on?

Why have you been living with them for 3 years? With your kids? Why an earth didn’t you rent something or at least get a caravan on site?

With this absolute MAD situation going on, when your parents clearly hold all the cards and could cause you significant financial damage why are you now picking a fight with your mother when in this instance she did nothing wrong?

My strong advice- keep things on an even keel with your parents and agree that your MIL can live with you if that’s what it takes to get the land in your name, don’t spend another penny on the build until you own the land, get your father to do the transfer (literally go to a solicitor and get the documents done and put them in front of him), then get the house built and if things haven’t improved between you and your mum, sell it and move somewhere where you can all get a bit of space.

@Housebuildingnamechange lots of people are saying that you have bigger problems than your mother unlocking the site. Do you agree?

In your situation I would make an appointment with for you and your husband to see a solicitor. Tell the solicitor the situation with the land your building the house on and get legal advice. If this is not sorted out now is has the potential to cause you and parents problems down the line.
In your case you have a house you can't sell because you don't own the site it is sitting on.
Also it could leave you with inheritance issues, a tax liability and what happens if your parents need nursing home care and this land is an asset in their names?

Once you find out the legal position you and your husband need to chat to both your parents and tell them what you found out. Unless the land is sold or signed over to you now I would tell them you can't build your house their because legally the site is not yours.
Don't listen to I leave this to you in my will. Tell them as well that if they need nursing home care this site will have to be sold to pay for it so your not losing your home for this.

My feeling is that your parents want you to build their so they have care down the line. You will be their to mind and drive them place's. I would be making plans so you're not available
to end up as a full time minder for 2 elderly parents. I have seen people end up in this situation with elderly parents. The parents just think the whole world revolves around them and their needs. Meanwhile they get as stubborn as a bold toddler and just refuse to do things or listen to any advice. Even with siblings it seems that one person is left carrying the load where elderly parents are concerned.

Well this is a thread of two halves! Firstly I would have opened the gate for the delivery truck, assuming I was helping you. Bricks to a building site seem logical. I wouldn't have swanned off and left it unlocked. Turns out I was totally wrong amd have learnt a lot about construction regulations!

Second half, post massive drip feed.
Why on earth is your husband on board with this? I presume your joint assets are at risk here and you aren't the one funding it all. Do you have any legal 👍 or proof of any ownership? Or are you just inflating your parents property by potentially hundreds of thousands for the council to take if they need care?

I am sure that your parents are thinking of you helping them as taking them to the doctors and cooking dinner. That's a big demand already, but serious care needs are not being considered. Will you be doing it all if an adult man is bedbound and incontinent? If they leave the gas on because they forget how to to use the hob? If they can't be left alone without wandering off? It's a lot to ask just to inherent the house you paid to be built. I bet your husband would suddenly find himself unusually busy at work too.

Get legal advice and sort this out ASAP.