to assume she wouldn't take control of our building site?

[Housebuildingnamechange]

My last AIBU was also to do with my mother and didn't end well for me, so I am prepared to listen. Honest.

We are building a house beside my parents' at the moment. It is locked when our builders are not on site and appropriately signposted i.e. no unauthorised persons allowed, PPE at all times etc. I popped out to leave DS2 to nursery (a round trip of 20 mins) and came back to find the site open and a delivery being made by a third party. Nobody from our building company was on site.

It turns out my mother had met the delivery guy and decided to open the site for him. She then left for the day. She didn't know who he was, didn't check what he was delivering but told him where to put it all. She didn't let me or the site manager know she had done this.

I was angry, but spoke to her calmly and firmly on the phone about how she could not assume authority in this way. She was defensive and angry, telling me that she had been trying to help and that I should have told her that she wasn't allowed to do anything like this.

AIBU to have assumed that she should known that it was inappropriate to have taken control like this? She has a long history of 'taking over' so I am very sensitive to it, but I'm also aware that she has risked site security, our builder's insurance and didn't check the delivery (which, as it turns out, was supposed to have been cancelled, hence why nobody was on the site to receive it).

I'm trying very hard to be rational but I'm also frustrated and angry.

Hang on, do you not even legally own the land you’re building on?! Have I got that right? If so, what on earth are you thinking? That would be incredibly ill-advised if the relationship between you and your parents was good, but with the context that the relationship is poor and they’re inclined to be controlling, this has disaster written all over it.

@MarleyandMarleyWoo glad I am not the only one to think this.

it is a disaster waiting to happen

I think you’re assuming a lot of knowledge on her part. If I was in her situation I probably would have thought I was saving the day by facilitating the delivery and that bricks being turned away would have been a problem for you. I think you probably should have told her never to do this (and also not given her a key - what was that for) if you wanted to avoid this situation.

That said I get that a long-standing dynamic can make you overly sensitive to things which wouldn’t bother others - I have this with my mum about certain things. But for that very reason, I really wouldn’t move next to her - seems an odd move if you want her to be less involved!

You don't own the land?
Jesus Christ you are just asking for trouble.

This is going to end very badly for you. You are going to be trapped and miserable. Living in a house on land you don't own so you won't be able to sell it and move away. Your dad will keep promising to sign the land over then when you're trapped in that house he'll tell you you'll inherit it instead.

They'll be round all the time and hold you hostage. You'll be reminded about the land if you try to create boundaries.

There's no way this ends up with you happy.

Sadly you're going to be creating threads on here for years to come.

It's not your land to build on, you are building a house on her land, that changes the situation, have you been given legal advice.

Building on land you don't own is insane.

Why is your husband so happy about living with / next door to his in-laws? What is it that he benefits from? Just seems odd he can see you so unhappy but reckoned it’s the best situation? What’s his reasoning?

Yep, this is the biggest issue by far!

Give the woman a break, I think you’d complain if she turned the delivery away and it had to be rescheduled.
This does not bode well for living in such a close proximity in the future.
You may need to rethink your reactions to your mother’s every move or life will be very stressful for you all.

All of the above and expect to be pulled in to care for one or both parents as they age.

Get legal advice and press as strongly as possible to buy the land from your parents. Then, when it inevitably implodes, you can at least sell up and get away.

YANBU. Health and safety for a start.
Get the access code changed and don’t tell her.

I don’t think your relationship with your mother is conducive to living in close proximity to one another and I reckon you should look elsewhere. Then you won’t be her carer and she won’t be your babysitter or child care.

What it will do to family relationships is another matter altogether, but it sounds as though you’re going to be exasperated with everything she does.

Of course she shouldn’t have interfered. I’d be raging too in your shoes as you’ve now got an additional problem to solve. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Imagine if the building site next door was owned by strangers? There’s no way she’d interfere but as you’re her daughter, she thinks she’s entitled to get involved in your business.

However, why on earth are you moving in next door when you know what she’s like?? I can only assumer there’s some massive extenuating circumstances.

Also, I’m willing to bet you’d have got a different poll response if you hadn’t mentioned your previous post. 😂

I think you need to find some peace in your situation.

You are feeling trapped, smothered and infantilised by your mother, but this is an internal, perspective based issue on your part.

You are a grown woman with a family of your own. You will have your own space and life and you have the ability to set fundamental and important boundaries, you don't need to play at setting them by picking over petty things and allowing yourself to become frustrated over minor things.

Your poor Mum! She must be looking forward to having you arrive next door to criticise her every move. Hell's bells - she was trying to be helpful!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
This is the start of it all. They are trampling all over your nice established boundaries.
I would say to them that for the good of their health and for my mental sanity, I have to move out.
Next, I would instruct my solicitor to start proceedings on you taking ownership of the land. It has been gifted to you by your father (not sold or Willed away) and you need to be seen as the legal owner of the land. By him dragging his feet, if you decided to sell once the property is complete, he could refuse that as he is the land owner. This could be really problematic for you in years to come.
Next I would set it out VERY clearly so there is no room to be misunderstood that you living there for however long or short that might be does not mean that you're signing yourself up to be anyone's carer or nursemaid when they get older. Nope. Not happening.
It's death by a thousand cuts. They chip away here. They chip away there. Before you know it they have sold their place, moved into your new place and you're back at square one.

Stand up to them even if you're living under their roof. If you rock the boat, so what? You're going to have to move out sooner than I think you wanted to.

As for the building site - you'd have to be fairly dim to not see the mandatory signage that is required on a building site about needing a hard had and heavy boots and high vis before being allowed onto the site. Something like the sign in the site here:
https://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-site-health-and-safety-poster-displayed-regulations-requirements-to-35031800.html

Did you get the breeze blocks collected?

I don’t quite understand why you’re building a house next door if your Dm is apt to want to take control in general. Are you planning to live in it??

Ok, yes - in the normal run of things a ‘Oh Mum, I know you thought you were helping but please don’t do anything on the building site again without checking first, it’s a safety & security issue” should be enough. The drip feed about them not having put the land in your name yet however is giving me horrors - you really must sort this ASAP… before you spend any more cash on something they could take possession of Or the (hopefully very unlikely scenario) of something happening to them and you finding yourselves properly stuck with probate, inheritance & inheritance tax issues etc….which would be considerable.

So you are happy to use her property to build your home but want to keep some bizarre distant relationship?

Most people would appreciate that someone in your mother’s position was trying to help by accepting the delivery.

You would probably post ranting if she turned away the delivery too.

The trouble is - your parents own the land. She has more right to be there than you do. This is an absolute disaster. Why would you build a house on land you dont own, with parents who have no idea about boundaries and use guilt as soon as you push back?

It sounds pretty normal. My mum is dead, but we were super close. No way would I have built a house next door though!

I would probably have rung you but if you hadn’t answered id have done what she did..

My mum would have done the same, not taking control, just assuming all was ok. I think you're being a bit over sensitive and controlling towards her. When you said you spoke to her 'calmly but firmly' that makes me feel sorry for your poor mum, bet she treads on eggshells. Sorry OP, just being honest.

Why on earth are you building next door to your Mum if you can't cope with her ?

@Housebuildingnamechange

So let me get this right. You are paying to build a house on land your parents own? I'm not familiar with UK property law, but where I live (US) you'd never be able to sell that house because you don't own the property it sits on. In fact, you wouldn't even 'own' the house, your parents would because they own the property. I know the UK has something called 'leasehold' where you don't actually own the land a house sits on, but I don't know exactly how it works. Have you seen a real estate solicitor about all this? Because you desperately need to.

Your dad is a controlling bully. Your mum has already let you know 'in her way' that she expects to move in with you. Unless you have some way of selling this house, you are making a HUGE mistake. I'd be tempted to call an immediate halt to construction until ownership and/or my ability to sell is clarified.