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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to assume she wouldn't take control of our building site?

148 replies

Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 11:38

My last AIBU was also to do with my mother and didn't end well for me, so I am prepared to listen. Honest.

We are building a house beside my parents' at the moment. It is locked when our builders are not on site and appropriately signposted i.e. no unauthorised persons allowed, PPE at all times etc. I popped out to leave DS2 to nursery (a round trip of 20 mins) and came back to find the site open and a delivery being made by a third party. Nobody from our building company was on site.

It turns out my mother had met the delivery guy and decided to open the site for him. She then left for the day. She didn't know who he was, didn't check what he was delivering but told him where to put it all. She didn't let me or the site manager know she had done this.

I was angry, but spoke to her calmly and firmly on the phone about how she could not assume authority in this way. She was defensive and angry, telling me that she had been trying to help and that I should have told her that she wasn't allowed to do anything like this.

AIBU to have assumed that she should known that it was inappropriate to have taken control like this? She has a long history of 'taking over' so I am very sensitive to it, but I'm also aware that she has risked site security, our builder's insurance and didn't check the delivery (which, as it turns out, was supposed to have been cancelled, hence why nobody was on the site to receive it).

I'm trying very hard to be rational but I'm also frustrated and angry.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 17/11/2023 14:05

She probably didn't know about the insurance and all that. If that was my mum, I'd just say 'Sorry, Mum, I should have said - nobody's allowed on the site to deliver anything when we or the builders aren't there. No harm done, but if it happens again just tell them the site's closed at the moment and you're not authorised to let anyone in.' End of story. Being angry and hurt and all that seems excessive.

If you are this paranoid and resentful about your mother and her tendency to 'take over', why the ever-loving fuck are you BUILDING YOURSELF A FUCKING HOUSE NEXT DOOR TO HER? This is insane.

Mamette · 17/11/2023 14:09

OP, I understand site safety so I get why this should not have happened. However- your mum shouldn’t have means (the code) to access the site if she has not also been made fully aware of the site rules. So ultimately it is your fault that the rules hadn’t been properly communicated to your mum.

But also… I agree with pps that the issues here are far greater than this particular incident.

HowNice23 · 17/11/2023 14:14

A missed delivery can be such a pain with big building works so if I knew the code with the best of intentions I'd probably have done what your mum did. It sounds like you know you're sensitive to what she does and might call it incorrectly at times (I won't say oversensitive because you probably have your reasons - I get paranoid about certain things due to past experiences and its very hard to resist the instinct to react) x

PuzzledObserver · 17/11/2023 14:28

Building a house next door given the state of your relationship is a bigger issue IMO than your mum opening the site for a delivery (which she should not have done because of the safety/insurance issues - but how was she supposed to know that?). But way, way, bigger than that is the issue of the land ownership.

If you don’t own the land, and don’t have a lease on it (assuming you’re in the UK), you will never be able to sell the house. Have you had legal advice, OP? If not, get some now. That land needs signing over to you - offer to pay all the legal costs, and for the land itself if necessary.

If your father won’t agree to sign it over, I would give serious consideration to stopping the build - and losing everything you’ve spent so far. Find somewhere to rent. Move out. Buy your own house, at a comfortable distance from your parents.

Is the planning permission all in place, even?

NerdyBird · 17/11/2023 14:28

There are plans to reform leasehold legislation, there's a consultation on it now. I think you need to consult a legal specialist pdq!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/11/2023 14:30

You're currently building a house on land you don't own? Are you paying for the build or are your parents paying for it? This doesn't sit right with me at all...

Primproperpenny · 17/11/2023 14:31

Sounds very frustrating. Not quite the same but we once had a neighbour take in a furniture delivery for us but we’d cancelled it. They were very insistent that we take it back. It wasn’t ours as the order had been cancelled and refunded. Ended up with loads of flat pack stuff in my hall as I then had to persuade the original company to collect it. Those who try to help are often busybodies who should leave well alone!

HappyHamsters · 17/11/2023 14:34

If its on your parents land isn't it their building site to access whenever they wantwgat does your solicitor advise,.

MrsRachelDanvers · 17/11/2023 14:36

Why on earth are you living with and planning to live next to people with whom you have serious issues? You sound full of rage and it’s going to get even worse. You should’ve held firm at the outset, now it would be almost impossible to back out. This is the maddest post I’ve read on here and I’ve read a lot.

Original poster

Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 14:37

All very interesting, thank you. And, er, yes, I assure you we do have planning permission!

OP posts:

Uricon2 · 17/11/2023 14:42

It sounds like you've gone along with other people's wishes while secretly knowing that it wasn't what you wanted. Spending money to build a house on land that still belongs to someone else (even, perhaps especially) your family is an added and serious layer of bonkers.

Sorry OP but this sounds like a classic case of make bad choices get bad outcomes and instead of fulminating about something not very serious that your mother has done to annoy you, you should be working out how to extricate yourself from the whole situation. It will only get worse if you don't.

PuzzledObserver · 17/11/2023 14:44

Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 14:37

All very interesting, thank you. And, er, yes, I assure you we do have planning permission!

That’s a relief.

The land ownership is a significant issue, however.

Maray1967 · 17/11/2023 14:47

saamantha19881 · 17/11/2023 11:48

Why are you building a house next door to someone who you are so sensitive to their behaviour? This sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster

Yes, I thought that.

She shouldn’t have left the site unlocked but unless you explicitly said not to, I can see why she opened up for the delivery.

But if you think she tries to take control, why move next door? This seems to be unwise.

EverybodyJumpsuit · 17/11/2023 14:53

Read the op but not whole thread. For a while we considered doing this kind of thing with my mum, and events have gone on to show why it would have been a disaster. OP you are using a lot of language I recognise. I suspect you’re angry a lot because you are doing something that deep down you really really don’t want to.
can you tell DH this is how you are feeling? Could you complete the build and then sell it and buy elsewhere? Maybe locally so you can have healthy boundaries.
if things had progressed with our plan to build with my mum and halfway through our relationship was very deteriorated I would be hyper sensitive and angry too. Those things are telling you something…
what’s the escape plan…

KatBurglar · 17/11/2023 14:59

If a scheduled delivery had been turned away by your Mum because yoju were out, you'd be cross with her then, too.

The person at fault is the one who booked/didn't cancel the incorrect delivery, not your poor mum who was trying to be helpful.

Accepting a delivery isn't "taking over the site." I think there are other things winding you up and this is just the excuse to feel angry.

LifeExperience · 17/11/2023 15:03

Their owning the land is a problem. I would get that sorted immediately, because you need a clear title to the property if you ever decide to sell. Your parents seem manipulative, and not selling/signing over the land to you is a red flag. Never build on someone else's land!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/11/2023 15:05

EverybodyJumpsuit · 17/11/2023 14:53

They cannot even sell it until the parents sign over the land. They will be stuck. Probably with her parents insisting they have keys and will come and go as they please. Something tells me the OP is going to end up regretting this.

TeaGinandFags · 17/11/2023 15:12

Two things:

Building sites are very dangerous places, which is why there is so much legislation. The risks are not only physical but legal. Your mum should know that almost as much as the site manager who shouldn't have given her the code. I would have a word with both of them.

As for moving next door, you're going to have to put your foot down. If your mother really wanted to help and not meddle then she should have called you or at least supervised the delivery guy.

Original poster

Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 15:13

The results are in! I was unreasonable to assume that she wouldn't unlock the site and let the guy in/ phone me to ask what to do/ wait another five minutes until I was back.

I have made it clear that deliveries need to be checked and approved by someone working on the build and she understands and accepts that. The delivery can (as far as I'm aware) be removed next week. Phew.

I am reminded of my (paternal) grandfather, who was a builder. Often people would try to reduce the cost of their build by offering their own labour. His response:

"If you try to help it'll take twice as long and cost twice as much."

Helping is great, but it's best to make sure it's helpful.

OP posts:

ttcat37 · 17/11/2023 15:16

They won’t sign it over to you because they know that you can then sell it, to anybody you like, and they absolutely would not want that. If I were you I would cut my losses and stop building, find somewhere else to live. Even if they were being entirely reasonable (and I think that actually, although your post makes you sound a bit petty or ungrateful, you’ve probably endured a lot) you clearly are not someone who wants to live next to them. It sounds like you were steamrollered by them so moved away and have now been steamrollered to move back, and your DH, having not endured childhood/ young adulthood with these people, only gets a glimmer of what they’re really like, and just sees the convenience factor.
For the meantime, get the combination changed or buy a new padlock and make sure your mother doesn’t find out!

Silvers11 · 17/11/2023 15:17

ManateeFair · 17/11/2023 14:05

If you are this paranoid and resentful about your mother and her tendency to 'take over', why the ever-loving fuck are you BUILDING YOURSELF A FUCKING HOUSE NEXT DOOR TO HER? This is insane.

I agree with this - apart from the sweary and shouting bit. But having said that - I too don't understand why you are building a house next door if she annoys you so much 🤔🤔

welcometothnuthouse · 17/11/2023 15:18

Living next door? Sounds like a potential mine field for the future.

PoppyOrange · 17/11/2023 15:19

FYI in response to one of your earlier posts "if delays happen its up to the site manager to make it up". This is not correct, if the delays are caused by you it is a variation to the contract and therefore added to the length of time allocated.

Original poster

Housebuildingnamechange · 17/11/2023 15:22

@PoppyOrange Agreed, but if I didn't know there was a delivery and hadn't been asked to receive it (which I wouldn't have been as I am not working for the builders) it would not have been my fault that it wasn't delivered. Maybe I wasn't clear, but the delivery turn up to the site, not to our house. We have no responsibility for the site until we are handed front door keys.

OP posts:

PoppyOrange · 17/11/2023 15:27

I assume you are the Employer for the main contractor, therefore you do have some responsibility for what happens on site.

By the way, site is absolutely the correct way to describe - you're right here to correct PP.

If the contractor ordered the materials and then cancelled, but they turned up anyway then that's not your issue. In fact the arrival of any materials shouldn't be your issue unless you're sub-contracted to receive materials by the main contractor.

But you said if any delay happens it's up to the Site Manager to sort it out. This is not true, it depends on why the delay has happened and who is responsible. e.g. if the stairs are delayed because you can't make a decision on whether you want oak or glass, that's your delay and the variation can be added to the contract.

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