to assume she wouldn't take control of our building site?

[Housebuildingnamechange]

My last AIBU was also to do with my mother and didn't end well for me, so I am prepared to listen. Honest.

We are building a house beside my parents' at the moment. It is locked when our builders are not on site and appropriately signposted i.e. no unauthorised persons allowed, PPE at all times etc. I popped out to leave DS2 to nursery (a round trip of 20 mins) and came back to find the site open and a delivery being made by a third party. Nobody from our building company was on site.

It turns out my mother had met the delivery guy and decided to open the site for him. She then left for the day. She didn't know who he was, didn't check what he was delivering but told him where to put it all. She didn't let me or the site manager know she had done this.

I was angry, but spoke to her calmly and firmly on the phone about how she could not assume authority in this way. She was defensive and angry, telling me that she had been trying to help and that I should have told her that she wasn't allowed to do anything like this.

AIBU to have assumed that she should known that it was inappropriate to have taken control like this? She has a long history of 'taking over' so I am very sensitive to it, but I'm also aware that she has risked site security, our builder's insurance and didn't check the delivery (which, as it turns out, was supposed to have been cancelled, hence why nobody was on the site to receive it).

I'm trying very hard to be rational but I'm also frustrated and angry.

@KateyCuckoo that's sounds dreadful... not what happened.. but that would have been pretty bad, yes!

She’s made a mistake, that’s all. We are all fallible. Suck it up and move on instead of festering over it. It will only make things worse if you can’t let this go.

I haven't seen your previous threads but why are you building next to your parents if you have concerns about your mother's behaviour? I'd be building as far away as possible.

No, he would have phoned the site manager.

But did she know that? I'd have been worried that he'd leave with his delivery and the build would be delayed.

And yes, it wouldn't have occurred to me that someone delivering building materials needed to be accompanied..

I do understand. Get the code changed, though this might cause teething problems.
Make it clear to her she is not to get involved again, and repeat.

And as others have said why on earth do you need to live next door to her?

@Housebuildingnamechange Are you going to be neighbours? How do you see that working out?

Clearly the issue isn't this delivery. What is making you so angry, so often?

Yabu to build next to her if she's such a nightmare.

You're choosing to commit to living next to her.

Hey, I really hate being punched in the tits. You have a history of punching me in the tits. I think I'll come knocking on your door every morning and be surprised on a daily basis that you punch me in the tits.

Bonkers.

YABU. I can see why youd be annoyed as a safety issue i.e the site being left open and the delivery not being supervised but the 'authority' issue is weird. You need counselling.

Why are you building a house next to her?? Bizarre. I love my mum to bits and we get on great but I still wouldn't live next door to her.

She probably wouldn’t realise how strictly building sites are regulated.

Why are you avoiding answering the question about building next door to your mum when you seem so angry with her? Is there a back story to this? It just seems like you're setting yourself up for a stressful future living next door.

Ooh I see you want all the financial help, free rent and presumably help building the house on their land? (Sounds like that anyway) but otherwise you want her to be quiet and keep away from you. Can't have it both ways love.

@MabelMaybe It genuinely seemed like a great idea at the time, but I really wish we had just bought somewhere. It's not worth all of this. I'm the only one who feels like this though - my Dad is ecstatic, our kids love being so close to their grandparents, my Mum is VERY excited... hence why she gets involved without being asked. DH strongly thinks this is the best and most sensible thing to do. I think I'll be fine once I have my own front door and don't feel so trapped.

When we suggested buying somewhere rather than building next door, she cried. My Dad got very affronted and wanted to know what was wrong with living beside them. They really want us to do this, even when I'm being unreasonable and ungrateful. Ugh.

Financial help. She doesn't want to admit they've done her a huge huge favour but she still doesn't like her.

Of course she shouldn't have. Presumably the contractors RA and insurance doesn't cover your mum authorising deliveries of heavy, expensive materials when there is no-one on site and leaving the site unsecured.
HOWEVER. Why the fuck are you currently living with and building NEXT DOOR to someone who seems to have boundary issues and you don't seem to have a great relationship with. That sounds like the ultimate recipe for disaster.

Why are you building a house beside her house if you have issues with her? Surely if you feel she oversteps boundaries it would be a bit daft to move closer to her.

I think I’d be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, and allow that she was trying to help, rather than simply interfering as you seem to think.
Obviously this is financially beneficial to you, both to live with her for such an extended period of time and to build next door to her home, so you must believe that this is worth it. You know who she is and what your relationship is like and you have proceeded anyway. To put it simply, unfortunately, you’ve made your bed.

Well in your eyes maybe. Your mum probably see things differently.

Why should you have to sacrifice your happiness for everyone else... if your family love you, they won't want you to be unhappy as a sacrifice for then?!?
Your parents would get over it...

Just take the site keys off her and only let authorised persons have access to them.

My very thought ...

Ok, the most ridiculous part of all: no, we don't need the financial help in the slightest. We just all thought it would be a good idea to live next door to the build (which is, I readily admit, very helpful). I do feel emotionally enslaved (dramatic!) to my Dad as well, who has always been very invested in us building beside them.

The more I talk about this the more ridiculous it all seems.

You know what your mum is like yet you are building a house next door to her? Madness. I suspect that she'll be what you call "interfering" even when it's complete and you give her a key.
Why did you cave when she cried and your dad wanted an explanation for why you were considering buying elsewhere ?

Your mum probably thought that she was being helpful.

You need to be clear about who should be contacted - this could be advertised on the site.
I imagine she thought she was being helpful and no I don’t think it bodes well for the long term.

My advice would be to let the site manager know that he is not permitted to give any codes or information to anyone that isn't you or your DH. No one.
Then I'd go ahead with the build but when it is completed, the very next thing I would do is put the property on the open market. Sell it.
Do not live beside your parents.

It's not going to be all Walton's Mountain going on here.

It's a recipe for disaster.

You can buy something near by but just not next door.

Move.

If your mother turns on the water works, ignore it. It is just her way of having to come to terms with you cutting the apron strings. She still has them tied quite tightly it appears, so fly the nest and set off on your own course!