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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad about leaving gift?

315 replies

sgtz · 17/11/2023 07:05

Aware I sound totally entitled, but I left my job last week and I’m a bit sad/disappointed with my leaving gift. Team of 10 and we usually put £10 in for collections. I got some chocolates and a card with a generic ‘best of luck from everyone at xyz’. The last person who left (wasn’t even really leaving, just rotating to a different team) got a card signed by everyone, a meal voucher, flowers, and everyone met up on their last day for lunch. No one even bothered to come to see me on my last day because they were ‘too busy’ so we had a virtual teams goodbye. I just feel quite sad at the lack of effort and started to feel like maybe I wasn’t liked very much. I’m going to their Christmas meal in a few weeks and wishing I wasn’t now as it just feels awkward but it’s all paid for…

AIBU? To clarify, I am grateful for what I got. I’m more sad about the fact that they didn’t even sign my card, it looks like a last minute ‘shit, sgtz is leaving - someone get them something’ even though they had 3 months notice…

OP posts:
Nononsensemumsy · 18/11/2023 08:44

I wouldn’t go for the meal, the £50 has gone. Keep your dignity and move on.

DivergentTris · 18/11/2023 08:47

It's a strange one, I don't expect fuss and gifts, it is entitled to expect them. However when I moved departments at the same time as two others did, one of the others got a whip round/gift and card, the other, they put on a buffet, me.... they asked if I was bringing in the cakes. I did, but I didn't even get to eat one as I was allocated a long-winded job, by the time I returned they had all eaten them and no one wished me luck or said goodbye.
Now I know I don't like fuss but even someone wishing me luck or wishing me well would have been more than enough but there was such a stark difference due to them not even saying anything.
However, people can only be nice when they are getting something out of you, my Husband for 20 yrs had all the fuss in the world when he fixed people's cars for a living. Once he retired, none of those people spoke to him at all anymore they walked past like he didn't exist. Old staff members who we bent over backwards for ignore us when they see us, they have short memories of how much we did for them at our expense and sacrifice over many years.
Now, on the rare occasion someone asks how he is enjoying retirement he tells it straight and it shocks people what has happened.

It was a real eye-opener into human nature, disgraceful really but that is the bad side of human nature and many people are guilty of it without realising the effect it has on others.

So its not really about the presence its how easily people can treat you decently then just cut you off like you dont matter. Im quite cynical of people now, and for someone who is naturally quite cautious of people and wants to be proved wrong it just seems to prove me right!

DarkDarkNight · 18/11/2023 08:52

That is really shoddy. I hate this type of thing where some people are celebrated much more than others at work. If you’ve put your £10 for other people they should have done the decent thing and put in for your collection too.

There is no way on earth I would lower myself to go to the meal now favourite restaurant or not. The £50 has gone either way, it’s a sunk cost fallacy to go to the meal. You are turning up to a meal with people who have shown they don’t really care about you, or you would have got a decent leaving present. I wouldn’t announce you’re not going, just don’t turn up. Save your pride and dignity.

Coconutter24 · 18/11/2023 09:07

Have you kept in contact with anyone since you left? If yes and you have friends your looking forward to seeing then I’d go to the meal forget about the lack of gifts and have a lovely time. If you haven’t kept in contact with anyone I would definitely not got just because you’ve paid a non refundable £50 deposit, that could potentially turn out to be an expensive awkward meal if your begrudgingly sat there stewing over the fact the people around you didn’t make much of an effort with your leaving gift. If the £50 is a deposit does that mean there’s more to pay? Would you really want to put more money towards this event?

43ontherocksporfavor · 18/11/2023 09:10

The company should subsidise any collection to make it a standard amount. Poor show. No way would I go to the meal. Your £50 is gone!

LaurieStrode · 18/11/2023 09:12

DarkDarkNight · 18/11/2023 08:52

That is really shoddy. I hate this type of thing where some people are celebrated much more than others at work. If you’ve put your £10 for other people they should have done the decent thing and put in for your collection too.

There is no way on earth I would lower myself to go to the meal now favourite restaurant or not. The £50 has gone either way, it’s a sunk cost fallacy to go to the meal. You are turning up to a meal with people who have shown they don’t really care about you, or you would have got a decent leaving present. I wouldn’t announce you’re not going, just don’t turn up. Save your pride and dignity.

Agree with this.

As you are no longer employed there, might you ask for an exception to the no-refunds terms?

Loloj · 18/11/2023 09:47

Yeah this is crappy… I worked for a company for 7 years (reported directly to the owner of the business) and didn’t even get a card from him when I left. I had relocated to the area for the job so i had literally moved my life for the job so it was really disappointing that he couldn’t make the effort after a long period of service. The staff members that reported to me all clubbed together and bought wine/chocolates and a card which was lovely. He literally wrote “good luck” on the generic card that had been passed to him to sign. Clearly took my leaving as a personal insult - anyway just shows that I was better off out of there and moving onto to something new. I haven’t visited since - even though as I’m walking out of the door he says “keep in touch” and all that crap. Anyway different to you OP but I can relate to your disappointment and YANBU to feel disappointed or upset. Sometimes people are just a bit crap - and it’s not even intentional - just wrapped up with something else going on in their lives so I’d try not to take it personally.

Saverage · 18/11/2023 09:56

I wish companies just had a standard approach. I'm a PA, I must have done 100+ gifts over the years. It is an absolute pain in the arse. You have to not only think of a thoughtful gift, buy it, but also harass people to put in a collection if the company doesn't pay. I've often had to top it up myself. thankfully e-cards now exist so there isn't now the perennially lost card to deal with.

Each company I work for now I ask to implement one approach - which milestones are going to get celebrated, and the budget for it, which the company pays for. I then get the gift. In my current company someone went off-piste this year with a collection rather than set company amount, and got a really over the top set of maternity gifts as it was the first baby in the company. There is no way that can be replicated for the next person, who will feel disappointed.

I know public sector can't pay for gifts, but private sector should suck it up and just pay.

OhYeahOhYeah · 18/11/2023 09:57

Wonder if as they know you’re going to the Christmas meal, that they’ve actually got a proper leaving gift for then? Just a thought x

SWSO · 18/11/2023 10:43

@DivergentTris

Yep I've had this with former Customers and colleagues who I thought I got on really well with . Don't want to know you when you walk out of the door for the last time . I suppose there is nothing to say really . All you had in common was work .

BiggletonUnited · 18/11/2023 11:07

magicscares · 18/11/2023 07:27

I think they could be planning to give you your proper gift at the Xmas do.

I think this aswell.

Maybe they are chasing for the drinks money because they think not paying it means you might not be planning to come to the dinner. They just want to make sure you're coming. Maybe they are paying your gift out of the drinks money too.

SWSO · 18/11/2023 11:54

OhYeahOhYeah · 18/11/2023 09:57

Wonder if as they know you’re going to the Christmas meal, that they’ve actually got a proper leaving gift for then? Just a thought x

Edited

I don't think so . If they have a proper gift why wait for the Christmas meal ? Surely they would have given it to get by now .

Muchof · 18/11/2023 13:00

The Christmas meal is an event for everyone, they are not going to make it about the ex colleague that left weeks earlier. I think there is just about zero chance they are planning to do anything for the OP at the meal.

OP I do vaguely wonder if your four refusal to contribute to the drinks kitty are behind this, maybe or maybe not. I still do not know why you are thinking of going, my dignity and self respect are worth more than £50 which is already gone.

Manthide · 18/11/2023 13:30

I think it's more difficult to organise this sort of thing with lots of people wfh on random days. I would be a little hurt but I wouldn't let it ruin friendships - I think it was just a matter of poor organisation rather than any bad feelings about you.

Kwasi · 18/11/2023 14:37

As harsh as it sounds, they obviously were not fond of you at all. I would be hurt too if I had no idea they felt that way. I definitely would rather lose £50 than go on a meal I probably wasn’t wanted on.

Take some time to reflect on why you think this has happened. Is it your or is it them? If you think it could have been you, think about what you can change when you start your new job.

Evaka · 18/11/2023 14:44

OP, it's often down to the relevant manager rather than being a personal slight. Is that possible at your place? If it does feel personal and you're not going to enjoy the lunch don't go!! Write off the 50 quid and leave them in the rear view mirror of life x

Tonto2001 · 18/11/2023 15:42

Not unreasonable at all.

I had a similar thing, worked for a department for 7 years and all I got was a virtual card signed by a few people.

I wasent expecting much, even some flowers would have been nice after being there so long but nope.

So I totally agree with you to feel disappointed and I probably wouldn't bother with the Xmas meal.

Greenshed · 18/11/2023 17:25

I haven’t read the whole thread, so apologies if someone has already mentioned this, but I wonder if they are planning something for you at the Christmas meal?

Annio82 · 18/11/2023 17:56

A couple of years ago I left a job I’d been at for 10 years. It was pretty standard to have a small leaving party, a card from everyone, a collection. On my last day I was sent to work on one ward with all temp staff, all the permanent staff worked together on the other ward (two wards with one pool of staff). At some point in the day one of the staff realised it was my last day and went to the shop and got me a card and chocolates which was signed by the staff who were in. Honestly, the only thing that made it not incredibly hurtful was the huge pile of cards and gifts from individuals who had realised no one had bothered to sort a collective one.

In the end though, it made leaving and starting over so much easier, and my current team are amazing, a much better fit for me. So no, you’re not being unreasonable, but equally don’t take it to heart, it’s not a reflection on you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/11/2023 17:58

I wouldn't go to the dinner BUT, if you're adamant, why not go, go straight to the waiting staff and ask for your meal to be packed to go. That way, you don't miss out on your dinner and you can smile beatifically as you sail out past your ex-colleagues.

They might not notice but you'll still get your dinner and can have it in peace at home in your pyjamas.

Densol57 · 18/11/2023 18:00

The meal is sunk funds
Id not make it worse by spending a penny with these people
Dont tell them you are not going
Just blank them

bluechameleon · 18/11/2023 18:07

That is shit, I'm sorry. I had similar - I left somewhere I'd been for 5 years where my group of friends tended to do fairly elaborate home made cards/books, thoughtful presents etc for people leaving. I'd played my part in making several of these over the years, but was by no means the instigator. When I left I got a shop bought card and a bag full of cash. I was gutted tbh.

fetchacloth · 18/11/2023 18:11

DarkDarkNight · 18/11/2023 08:52

That is really shoddy. I hate this type of thing where some people are celebrated much more than others at work. If you’ve put your £10 for other people they should have done the decent thing and put in for your collection too.

There is no way on earth I would lower myself to go to the meal now favourite restaurant or not. The £50 has gone either way, it’s a sunk cost fallacy to go to the meal. You are turning up to a meal with people who have shown they don’t really care about you, or you would have got a decent leaving present. I wouldn’t announce you’re not going, just don’t turn up. Save your pride and dignity.

I'm agreeing with all of this really. In OP's shoes, this is what I would be doing😐
After leaving a job, there's no way would I want to spend an evening with people who didn't care enough about me to even sign a card. I would just assume that my presence for the Christmas meal wasn't required.😒

EmmaInScotland · 18/11/2023 18:22

There's one other possibility - that they knew you were planning on going to the Xmas meal & for some reason, the Card / gifts weren't sorted, so they've decided to do it for then .

Married2023 · 18/11/2023 18:27

I left a job as I was technically bullied out (left a strong report after in my exit interview! We had a goodbye on teams as it was during lockdown (after some of the staff were super nice to me in the weeks of my notice period, despite not speaking to me before!) 5 minutes after the teams meeting which was super awkward I was locked out of my laptop 🤣🤣🤣