Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

Well he says he doesn’t want any of it so that’s that.

I wouldn't be able to block either so I get it. I think it's time not to respond straight away to any texts, wait until the evening after you and the children (child?) have eaten.

I guess you are doing a tip run...maybe swing into a Maccys drive through and get a burger with a smartie flurry to treat yourself. It might also kick-start your appetite 😉 Has he asked after the children yet?

Well some of the stuff has some value so that might fund my McFlurry. I sold my old wedding and engagement ring from my ExH to find therapy - not sure a few old t shirts will reach the same amount though…

It’s easier to just tip it all to be honest or charity shop it.

No, he hasn’t asked after the children. I just had a bit of a sob in the shower thinking about that. They won’t get a chance to say goodbye to him, or the dog. I know I should be angry with him, and I am (fucking cunt) but I’m also so disappointed in myself for allowing this. For allowing him to be in their lives and hurt them like this. We have a group WhatsApp chat that the kids are still using, and he isn’t replying to. Ugh I feel shit for them.

By standing up for yourself, you're being kind to yourself.

Setting boundaries may upset other people but that isn't your fault or your concern. They're mad they're not getting their way and can no longer use you, not because they're genuinely hurt.

Worrying about upsetting or supposedly being unkind to someone else is so deeply ingrained in many women that we forget we need to be kind to ourselves first

It is not your fault. He should have been a decent person but he wasn't, he pretended to be one, so the only person to blame is him.

One day at a time.

EDIT - Sorry about the children question. I was trying to get you angry instead of the why me, or what should I do posts. I went too far so i apologise

It’s fine to have asked about them. It’s my typical pattern to take responsibility for everything, hence the self blame instead of laying the blame at his feet, which is where it belongs.

It’s going to take a whole shift in my entire life and way that I think. Hence all the questions - I don’t even know where to start with doing things differently!!

He’s asked me to remove him from the WhatsApp group once I have told the kids that we have split up (I told them that we are taking some time apart, which is true). I’m considering my answer currently.

So my learning for the day is that he is not going to respond in the way that I hope he is. My doubts and suspicions that he has not changed as much as he thinks he has, which I have had throughout the relationship and he talked me out of, were right. So in the future I need to listen to my intuition because it’s probably correct. He is a disappointment and will continue to be, and that’s what I need to expect.

When he showed me who he really was, right at the start, I should have paid more attention.

Still, he doesn’t want his stuff which means I don’t have to see him again, so that’s a win.

This is a really good and important learning and I'm impressed you've figured it out so quickly. SIL still is completely shocked every time she thinks exBIL will do X, I say he will do Y and then, sure enough, he does Y. It's been years and she still hasn't learnt the lesson unfortunately and as a result, she is still constantly either disappointed in him or hopeful things will be better.

I think you need to tell the kids ASAP. I think you also, within reason, need to be completely honest. Make it clear that HE is the dick and neither you nor they have done anything wrong. It's going to be hard for them.

Yes agree about telling the kids. They have been with their dad since Friday and I want to do it when they are back with me - not fair to tell them and leave their dad to deal with the fallout. I had said that we were having some time apart as it was true at the time, we didn’t know if it was truly over. It’s very clear now that it is!

You are one step further than me because I'm still trying to thump that into my brain 😂

SIL still is completely shocked every time she thinks exBIL will do X, I say he will do Y and then, sure enough, he does Y.
I know stbxh will do the opposite of normal, what decent people would do. I know it in my bones, from experience of him, from the look on his face, (even secret bets with myself and I win the bet) and I hope he will act like a decent human being but I still get to feel disappointed and upset every single time. It's ridiculous. Right now it's how dismissive he is over his very sick child, she can't even get out of bed and has a very high temperature, and yet not once has he gone in to check on her or offer a glass of water, it's as though she doesn't exist even when I talk about how she is. And yet I hope he will change and be caring, considerate or kind. Thump, thump, thump.

I should be better at it by now - I’ve had a lot of practice with my mum and my ExH!

@AutumnFroglets sorry to hear about your stbxh. Is it your daughter who is ill? I hear you with feeling disappointed and upset every time they respond in a dickish way. I suppose until I wrote my earlier post I hadn’t realised that with my mum and ExH I have stopped feeling like that about it and there is a sense of resignation that I know what to expect now, and even though it’s sad that they will never respond in the way I would like them to (especially my mum) it doesn’t affect me in the same way anymore.

Yes, our DD.

At least you are learning and growing from all these relationships, count that as a win. Even if you continue to find these wasters and you realise they are one eventually, count that as a win. Eventually you will hit the jackpot of either a decent man or realising that you are enough

Keep any txts where he states he doesn’t want his things…. And screen shot them and keep. You never know….

Oh I'm sorry, that sounds really hard, so shit when they can't get their act together when kids are involved.

Here's hoping that there are some decent men out there. I won't be looking for any to be in my life for quite some time - just me and the kids for the foreseeable future but that's a very comfortable place for me.

I hope the same happens for you xx

That's an excellent point, thank you. Will do that now!

And any other txts he sends…. You may never need them… but you never know! Get ahead of him.

Told DS1 today. His response was to ask me if I felt sad, and gave me a hug. "It's not great, but it could be worse. At least it's not during my GCSE's" (he's in Year 10)

Oh bless him. So it sounds as though he isn't actually bothered re his and ex relationship but bothered about mum being hurt/upset. This just reinforces that this man wasn't the right one for your family because after 5 years under the same roof there should have been more emotion etc from him. Don't waste another tear 💕

Why did you put up with him not paying half rent to you for 5 years? Absolutely not your problem. Hes incurred these expenses through the breakdown of the relationship and moving out of your hotel, sorry, joint home. Newsfalsh dickhead, you arent a couple anymore, you dont get the benefits of splitting costs.

He has ASD so does struggle with expressing emotions but has been chatting about it and how DS2 will likely miss him more (which is true - they were a lot closer). Got to tell DS2 later.

DS2 was more upset and a bit tearful, but is also annoyed that he and ex had gone halves on a game together when ex knew that he had lied and the relationship might end. I did somewhat defend ex because that’s not entirely fair, but did also clarify that if ex hadn’t lied then the relationship wouldn’t have ended…

Anyway he said that I deserved better because I am the best mum ever. He’s 12. Bless him!

So glad to hear that this guy is out of your lives and unlikely to darken your door again. And congratulations for not giving in to his CF demands, and keeping the money from the joint account.
Do spend some of it on changing the locks, so he cannot ever let himself in to your home. If you're making a list of all the 'costs' you've incurred, that should be on it. As should the 'cost' of storing his possessions after he left, and ultimately disposing of them once he'd decided he no longer wanted them. I'm sure you bought lots of things for the house since moving in (light bulbs, cleaning supplies, curtains, kitchen stuff etc) which he's benefitted from the use of, and bet he hasn't offered to reimburse you for half those costs, just remembers the big-ticket white goods.

Sorry, what? He took money from your child to pay for a game they both wanted to play, rather than just buying the game and letting your child play it?

Has he taken the game with him?

Seriously, don't even get me started.

He made my other DS pay for a £5 poster for the world cup after he had talked to my DS about how much he loved to fill them in as a child and they went out together to get it.

To be fair the game that he bought with DS2 was £200 so quite a lot of money. No, the game is here.

Yes I think I will get the locks changed. Feels a bit like overkill but I don't want him being able to get into my house and you can't be too safety conscious as a single mum with 2 kids. Maybe I'll spend the rest on therapy! Again!