Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

@DietCokeAddict19 Thank you for taking the time to explain. You seem very self aware and conscious of the things you need to work on which is a brilliant start. Good luck in your efforts to grow your assertiveness, you are doing well already by being so aware and reflective. May your next stages of growth be even more powerful!

I wonder if coming from a wealthy family creates a sense of guilt. I've seen that in friends, and of course it's lovely to be conscious of the privilege you have and reflect on where it means you can afford to be gracious, but as you know, you can't allow that to allow you to be taken advantage of. Might be a wrong guess but it seems relevant to me.

tbh Imagine the shit storm if you had taken money off him for living at yours

no money for living at yours is a small price to pay for the knowledge your home ownership is secure just yours and not up for dispute

Did he declare he was getting rental incomeit to the HMRC?

That's a really good point, thank you. He uses the words devastated and sorry, but there is no demonstration of emotion, they are just words. He has used his words before to talk me round. You have made me realise that he is doing something similar again. He isn't checking in on how the kids are doing. He isn't demonstrating that he is sad or hurting or sorry for the kids. He's just focused on me paying him what I apparently owe.

Yes at least he can't take anything that matters, the house or the kids. My kids have lost out though because of the money that I've lost out on due to him living here, I am annoyed at myself for that.

Yes that was all legit. He is self employed so everything gets submitted in self assessment.

That's a really interesting point re the guilt of coming from a wealthy family and something I hadn't considered before. I'll have a think about that one - thank you.

Have you blocked him yet?

No. He still has stuff here he needs to collect the week after next (including a picture from his late mum) so I won’t block until he has collected those bits.

He still has stuff here he needs to collect

Oh dear....how much are storage costs these days? 😂😂

EDIT - He is quite minimalist and doesn't like "stuff
I don't think you understand that word. He's taken a van load but none of the white goods, or bed, and he still have stuff at your house?? What did he actually take apart from the dog? 😮

I'm sorry, let me rephrase. He says he is a minimalist. That's better.

There is another car load of stuff here that he didn't take previously. Some of that I think he purposely left because he didn't want them (painting clothes, some old pyjamas that I had bought him etc), some of it he forgot, some of it (a dog bed) he left here as he said if she stays over here then she has her own stuff here. Goodness knows why he needed a van actually, the biggest thing he took back were a couple of paddleboards but they aren't exactly big once bagged up.

He took nothing big - no white goods, not the bed, no furniture at all actually.

I had been putting stuff into piles for him to collect when he was coming up with the van and he asked me not to, said he wanted to do it himself. I wish I told him to fuck off at that point - it's my house and if I want to put his things in a pile I'm perfectly entitled to do that.

I'm tempted to ask one of his colleagues who lives around the corner to take his stuff until he comes to collect it, that way I don't have to see him again. (I've refused to let him go in the house without me being here). However I don't really want to see her either so...

Oh OP...I hope you can see what I see now that you have written it all down. Please read your posts back as though this was a friend writing it.

He said he "had to move all his stuff out within 3 days" and therefore it was costly for him.
So he lied. He didn't move it all out so it need not have been costly. He choose to hire the van.

The truth was, I said things weren't working, he said "I thought you were going to say that so I've already looked into van hire".
He didn't need to hire a van. He didn't take it all. I bet there was space in the van and a car would have been sufficient. One person with no furniture doesn't need two vans.

He says he is a minimalist.
One person needing two van loads to move house, with no furniture, is not a minimalist. He's a hoarder.

He's a liar and a manipulator. Dry your tears and think good riddance. Do you have a shed or garage to put his stuff in, then give him two weeks to collect or it's dumped.

I have a relative who claims to be a minimalist. That will be why they have only just removed the last of their possessions from my home after leaving them with me 'for 6 months', over 6 years ago!
When you know when he is coming for the last of it, leave it all outside, lock the house up and go out. I hope you have the keys back from him. Change the locks though, in case he had a sneaky spare set cut.

Change the locks though, in case he had a sneaky spare set cut

Wonder if I can charge him for that...? 😂

(I'm joking. Mostly)

Thank you. Yes, reading it back I see the lies and inconsistencies. I just wish I was able to see it sooner.

The things are in the garage and he is due to collect them a week tomorrow. They will go in the bin if not collected as planned.

No regrets OP, no point in wishing you had seen it sooner so look at the silver lining that you did eventually see it. Onwards and upwards

True that.

Re the keys, I was joking about charging him for changing the locks, but he did actually lose one of our front door keys so maybe I should change them and take it off the joint account balance.

Tell him oc youll give him half for moving costs £110. On condition he gives you half of 5 years rent.

He has benefited hugely financially from you. Unless there is in excess off £500 x how many months you did not have tax credits for = how many £1000s in the old joint account then you don’t owe him a penny.

consider it rent

Example: £800 rent month x12...x5...he owes you half of that. Well over 20k...hit him with that mofo if he asks for moving costs again

@DietCokeAddict19

I have thought of more costs to add to the not-exhaustive list I made previously!

Did he pay for food whilst with you? As in at least one-third of food costs (2 DC = 1 adult), and all the dog's food costs? Plus extra money to the water for bathing of dog and dog's water? Unless the dog only drank bottled water.....

He’s now saying I can give him “whatever I think” of the joint account money. That will be none, then.

And wants me to photograph his stuff to see if he wants to “go through the upset” of having to see me to collect it (I told him he couldn’t have the keys to go in without me). So far it’s about 4 boxes worth so he can have some photos of the boxes they are in. If he doesn’t pick up on the date agreed they will go to the tip the next morning.

Stop engaging with all his nonsense.

The money in the joint account is in lieu of the rent he didn’t pay you and the rents from his properties.

And no photographs. Just reply saying boxes will be outside garage on x date. If not collected by 4pm will be taken to the tip.

He needs you to respond. What he can’t stand is being ignored. So ignore him. And change all your locks asap.

I’m struggling to just tell him to fuck off and block him because it’s so far from the person that I am. Admittedly that may not have served me well, and maybe I do need to be more ruthless, but it doesn’t feel good to me to be what I feel is unkind to someone that up until recently I used to care a lot for.

I’ve tried to be kind, with boundaries.

Actually, what I need to do is to not just respond within 5 minutes of getting a message. But to sit and think and work out what I actually feel and want to do. I am still on autopilot and reactive, when it might serve me better to be thoughtful and considered. It might lead me to the same place, but it also might not. And it might stop me feeling so shit about myself. I haven’t eaten much the last few days, I feel sick and eating anything is a struggle.