Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

Do you know any of his friends who live nearby/who he will be seeing this weekend?

Any chance you could drop his remaining stuff round to them?

I'm not sure who he will be seeing. There is a friend of his who lives up the road but I'm reluctant to contact her - they had a weirdly close friendship that she seemed to enjoy gloating about. She's not my favourite person and I think contacting her would possibly make things worse.

I see. I was just thinking that it would be a way of getting rid of his remaining things without needing to contact him again.

Yes I agree. There is one other person who he might see, although she lives about an hour away but might travel to see him. Other than those two I have no idea who he would see here, and wouldn't have contact numbers for anyone else.

Just bag his stuff up and put it out with the rubbish!
He had the opportunity to collect it, and if he ever contacts you again just say you don’t know what he’s talking about as he collected his things.

Ugh he stayed overnight with exactly who I thought he would come to see. Some girl half his age who he worked with on his last job and whose friendship I was always a bit dubious about. It doesn’t even fucking matter. He is single now and can do whatever he wants. But the rage I feel about this is ridiculous. Shouldn’t have looked on Instagram.

And I really fucking miss the dog and feel jealous that she gets to see her and I don’t.

Do yourself a favour and just block him on everything. No good comes of annoying yourself.

He is blocked on everything. I looked on her instagram. Which is public, so can’t even block it for myself!

I'll just have to take myself off there. Any maybe all social media. It doesn't help me at all.

I've been signed off by the GP until the start of January. I feel like I don't know what day it is half of the time.

I don't know why I'm struggling so much. I feel annoyed with myself that I'm so upset, and that I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I know that doesn't help me either.

Some of it is the not knowing. I will never actually know the truth about anything, whether my suspicions were right, or whether he was just lying the whole time. I struggle with trust anyway, but I can't imagine ever trusting anyone ever again when I will never be able to know for sure what of what he said was true and what wasn't. It feels maddening.

If you block someone on Instagram you then can't see their profile, it's not a one-way block.

It gets easier @DietCokeAddict19. It really does. Right now you’re still reeling but in a few months’ time (or sooner) you won’t give a second thought to what he’s doing. I totally get the temptation to look but nothing good comes of at all. It will only lead to more questions, and no answers.

I really hope so. I feel like I’m going mad. It’s making me think that ExH wasn’t that bad but he was a true narcissistic, gaslighting, compulsive liar, so I knew my judgement is completely off at the moment.

Not my finest hour, but I unblocked him and contacted him yesterday. I felt really furious about some of the stuff that he has posted on Instagram that feels as though it is directly (hurtfully) aimed at me.

So I told him that I wanted him to decide on the last thing that we haven't sorted out. I had a MMC in 2020 that resulted in needing a D&C procedure. After the procedure, they asked if I wanted to take home with me the remains of my foetus, which I did. At the time we were both too upset to decide what to do next, so we froze them. We still need to decide/agree what to do.

I was only contacting him out of anger. I knew getting him to think about this would be hurtful and painful, but I was so pissed off that he was flaunting all over Instagram what a lovely time he was having with his female ex workmates. Not that that is an excuse. It was just spiteful and mean, in terms of timing. It is something we need to resolve, but it didn't need to be brought up at that precise moment.

I just wanted him to take some responsibility for something. Actually make a decision about something and own his part in it, rather than it always being me that shoulders it all.

It's not been resolved. He wants to think about it. Fair enough. We've agreed he will email me with a response - I might set up a specific email address that doesn't have notifications set up that I can check at times I feel able to.

Anyway, he also told me that he is planning on sending Christmas cards to the kids with a goodbye letter each inside. Bear in mind we split up at the start of November. So I told him that I would give them the choice whether or not to read them (and I definitely won't be encouraging it right before Christmas - that is just ripping open a wound that they are trying really hard to heal and the timing feels very unfair). I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - it's more me me me isn't it?

Not sure why I am even posting all this. I'm decluttering the house like a mofo, which isn't making me feel much better but is at least clearing out stuff that he gave me that I no longer want to keep, bringing in a bit of money and keeping me busy.

No comment from him about the white goods money...(that I haven't and won't pay him ever)

It IS all "me, me, me" as far as he's concerned. You really do need to understand that he doesn't care, and nothing you do or say will make him care.

It took me way too long to (mostly) block mine, and only now can I (mostly) not pry into the social media stuff. Mine is "living the dream" on SM with the new one, and yet still it feels like he's pushing it in my face; makes no sense and is very subtle but I feel it.

Every time I look, I regret it. But the other day he contacted me about the only thing we haven't sorted yet. It made me feel physically sick all over. He suggested we could just meet up. Urgh. My body went into the standard stress freeze response (which at least I now recognise) and I haven't yet been able to respond.

If I were you I wouldn't condone any communication with your children. They will get nothing positive from it. How dare he get to explain it all away. No way. I hated people telling me this, but you really do need to draw a line and pretend he's left the planet.

Also, big hugs to you because that is an awful thing to be left to deal with, and he knows it. I would buckle up and accept that you won't get any support from him with this either. I'll be very surprised if you ever get any real, honest sympathy or support from him. But do keep talking here. We can support you xx

It's so hard to get my head around him not caring. During all my decluttering I have found so, so many post it notes from him all saying the most lovely things. And yet now he is this guy who is just trying to hurt me on social media, not make any attempt to contact my kids until days before Christmas, and still won't take responsibility for himself? It's a head fuck. But I have to see the behaviour that is in front of me - that is the man he is.

I'm sorry to hear @Proseccoh that your ex contacted you the other day. I'm so familiar with that freeze response - not so much with this recent ex but certainly with my ExH. Are you going to meet him? There is no rush to respond to him. Do it in your own time.

Interesting approach to draw a line and pretend he has left the planet. It would certainly make things more simple in lots of ways.

Thanks for the support here, I'm so grateful for that. I don't expect (or want) his sympathy with this. I want him to take some part in making a decision about the foetus because I am absolutely not taking the blame if I make a choice that he disagrees with. I've left it with him now. I don't actually mind what his choice is, I will most likely agree with whatever he proposes. I just want him to take responsibility for this one thing. I actually think it's of great importance to him, so will be interesting to see how he chooses to respond.

I 100% hope to never see mine again. His suggestion that he might just "pop round" has me in all sorts of knots about how to tell him that is NOT ok! I hear you on the post it notes; when I went through messages at the end, even the ones where he was raging at me... on paper it looks like he was super sweet and reasonable, but it was all fake.
ACTIONS not words.

I have a simple cardboard packing box where anything I come across that is his or reminds me of him, I just pop it in. And the kids know what the box is for so they can do the same. I guess in a little while we'll just move the box on or out. I don't have to deal with it yet. Ideally, when you are ready to decide what you need to do (is there a rush just now?) you won't even care (or know) what he thinks.

Also, don't underestimate the power of "victim mode" which appears to be so easy for some... This just popped into my head; If he wanted to, he would xx

I always found "That doesn't work for me" worked with my ex. If possible I then offered an alternative that was preferable to me, such as I'll email you by next week with my answer etc. I hope you never have to see him again too.

That's a great idea about the box. I have the post it notes stashed away in a pile but would be useful to literally have a lid to close on them!

No, there is no rush to sort this out, but I kind of want it done so that I can put this chapter of my life behind me. I can imagine feeling better about stuff in a few months time only to be knocked down again if he gets back in contact to discuss it. I'm having a hard enough time as it is - I'm signed off work, I've lost a load of weight, which with a history of an eating disorder really isn't good. I want this over and done with. All of this is making me ill. I want it over.

And you are right about the victim mode. When I asked him to think about it I got a long text back about how my question had led him to consider what would have happened if that baby had lived, where our lives would be etc. That wasn't what I was asking for, neither was it necessary to tell me where it had taken him in his head. If he wasn't ready to think about it, he could have just said that. Not gone into detail as to how terrible thinking about it has made him feel.

I really do get it. You need to learn to put yourself ahead of him; his thoughts/feelings/needs and all the things you were hoping to get from him. It's easier in the gaps where he isn't there; you need to make those parts of your life bigger/stronger. Try really hard to re-program. Every time you think about him, try to come up with a thought about how your life can be/is better without him. Remember the freedom and relief when he left. Remember how you wanted him to stay away. Remember when he didn't help or support you with those big/difficult decisions. Hold onto those feelings and think about how much better things will be in the near future. You get ONE life; do the things that make YOU happy. It's a tough time of year, but this could be day one for you. Your future and your happiness xx

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1ANfY3KilH/?igshid=MzY1NDJmNzMyNQ==

Thanks @Proseccoh

I had a night full of dreams last night, the one before waking being that he had convinced me to give it another go and we bought a puppy together. I was desperately trying to get out of it, because I knew it wasn’t right or what I wanted.

I may have said this before but I suspect there's a lot more to this relationship to unpick. Most likely a lot of events or moments when he behaved exactly as he is now but you wither didn't recognise it and/or had been trained to accept it.

The MMC being a good example. I don't want to minimise the pain men feel in a moment like this, but it is MORE on the woman. I bet that's not how it went down with you? He sounds like the kind of man who if you had had a baby together would have had lots of complaints about how you got all the attention, how the baby took your attention from him etc.

As for the letter - of you decide to allow it you absolutely MUST read them first before you make a final decision. I imagine he would blame you for everything or write a long self indulgent spiel centring himself. Again. Or both.

Re the MMC - I already have 2 beautiful, wonderful children. That MMC was our second round of IVF, but his 6th in total. His ex wife miscarried twins at 12 weeks. He has no children.

It would have hit him harder.

I do agree about the other things, though. He would have hated all my attention being on a baby and not him.

I had thought that about the letters. I couldn’t work out if I would be unreasonable to open and read them first, so thanks for confirming that I would be protecting my kids (from potentially a lot of hurt) and doing it for the right reasons.

And yes to some times where he behaved like this and I didn’t recognise it or just put up with it. There were some things that I recognised at the time to be off. There are things that I will reflect on in the future and see it for what it really was, I’m sure.

You are very kind. We had fertility treatment and didn't even get to ivf. We were lucky enough to not miscarry but even though dh wanted children more than I did, the physical reality of what I went through just to get pregnant and then if I had had to physically go through a miscarriage.... it would have been epic. Dh would also have been upset, very much so, but I also know he would have prioritised me because of the physical AND emotional toll.