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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my Mum about her surprise party?

148 replies

UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:07

My mum has a big birthday coming up and her husband and two best friends are organising her a surprise party. I was informed of the party and date after it had all been booked and sorted. I won’t lie, I was a little hurt that I wasn’t part of the discussions or planning, but sucked it up, (didn’t mention it to anyone) cancelled the plans I had for that date and put it in my diary. I feel they have made it very clear, although not explicitly so, that they don’t want my input so I have sat back and let them get on with it.

Then a couple of days ago one of the friends text me and asked if any family members were coming as the party is in a few short weeks. I said I had no idea as I hadn’t been asked to message them or been involved in anything else. Apparently, they had messaged just one family member, expecting her to let everyone else know, and hadn’t heard back. I want this party to be a success for my Mum so I have spent the last few days messaging family members etc. in short none of them are coming and they are all pretty upset/annoyed at the way it has been handled (as they would want to celebrate with her). I was also told that one other family member had found out and told the friends about the fact the date clashed with a lot of plans and would ruin a planned trip. They asked a couple times for the date to be moved so that family could attend and received no reply. Needless to say I’m now receiving lots of upset messages as they feel they can vent to me.

So here is my problem, when my Mum walks into the room and she has gotten over the initial “Surprise” I know she will be devastated that none of her family are there. She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her (something she struggles with for a number of reasons which is why my family really wanted to make the effort to be at her party). I won’t be able to have an honest conversation with her during the party so she will have to feel that way all night. Therefore do I tell her about the party and explain the difficulties in advance but ruin the surprise or let her have the surprise but know she will be devastated until I can explain things, this hurt is likely to stretch on as she doesn’t let go of emotions quickly.

YABU - do not tell her about the party. Let her enjoy her surprise and catch her up later.
YANBU - tell her in advance about the family situation. She will still love the party but will be prepared for the guest list not being what she hoped.

OP posts:
Sprinkles211 · 16/11/2023 13:09

Don't tell her. Tell the organisers that it needs to be rearranged as your mum will be very upset that the people she loves will not be there and offer to help with the arrangements so that you can co ordinate with family to make it the best possible party for your mum.

PeppermintPatty10 · 16/11/2023 13:11

Agree with @Sprinkles211 !

2dogsandabudgie · 16/11/2023 13:11

Could you arrange a separate celebration for the family members who can't make it on that date? Maybe a family meal and then at the surprise party tell her that this party is more for friends to celebrate it with her

DustyLee123 · 16/11/2023 13:12

Can you not do your own family meal when everyone can attend, and just you go to the surprise one?

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:12

I have tried telling them and the other family member has tried telling them. They won’t listen. I won’t be mean about them, they are good friends trying to do something nice but they have run with this idea and are being pretty misguided about it. They don’t seem to want any input from anyone.

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 16/11/2023 13:14

Well if that's the case then, just do a separate meal afterwards for family members who can't attend the party.

Poppyseed14 · 16/11/2023 13:14

That seems crazy that they are going to all that effort when they know that she will be disappointed 😞

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:14

I’m in discussions with family members and funnily enough we were saying about a meal for all of us in the new year but that won’t make a joy of difference to my mum on the day. If we had known earlier then we would have organised a meal before her birthday so she knew how much she was loved in advance. Sadly it’s too late now

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 16/11/2023 13:15

You'll be at the party. Just tell her shortly after the Surprise that the rest of the family couldn't make it tonight but they're looking forward to catching up soon.

HerMammy · 16/11/2023 13:15

She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her
Not if you say mum we tried to get a better date but sadly it wasn't taken on board. No need for all the upset at all.

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:17

I honestly don’t think they have thought it through. I think they love the idea of a surprise party and have run with it. I spoke to my Mum about what she wanted to do before I found out about the party and it wasn’t a party!! I’m actually really concerned Mum will be upset in the run up as she is already talking about how no one is making any effort and no one has planned anything for her.

I tried to give some ideas and suggestions (more in line with what she told me she would want) when we were first told but they got upset and dismissed any suggestions immediately.

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 16/11/2023 13:19

If it was my mum I'd tell her. That way she could still walk in and act surprised but wouldn't feel upset that nobody had bothered.

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:21

KrisAkabusi · 16/11/2023 13:15

You'll be at the party. Just tell her shortly after the Surprise that the rest of the family couldn't make it tonight but they're looking forward to catching up soon.

That won’t work, while I can say that simple sentence she won’t feel reassured and will continue to dwell until I am able to have a proper conversation setting out what happened regarding her friends and why each of them aren’t here. For over 20 people to not attend it just won’t make sense to her without an explanation

OP posts:
Lockupyourbiscuits · 16/11/2023 13:21

Arrange a meal with the family near her birthday so she has that to look forward to
then she will enjoy the surprise too
you go to both

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:24

Lockupyourbiscuits · 16/11/2023 13:21

Arrange a meal with the family near her birthday so she has that to look forward to
then she will enjoy the surprise too
you go to both

Edited

It’s too late to book anything near her birthday. The Christmas rush is upon us and it is one of the reasons half of them can’t make it. It will have to be in the new year

OP posts:
BakedBeeeen · 16/11/2023 13:25

Ugh.. surprise parties are always about the givers. It’s an ego trip. One was thrown for a relative (not by me) and afterward the relative said to me “that was a nice party, but make sure that NEVER EVER happens again”

skilpadde · 16/11/2023 13:26

Don't tell her.

Her husband and friends have organised one thing for her. It's not your fault it's been poorly organised, but it's also not your thing to spoil.

Separately, you and your family arrange a different event to celebrate your mum.

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:29

BakedBeeeen · 16/11/2023 13:25

Ugh.. surprise parties are always about the givers. It’s an ego trip. One was thrown for a relative (not by me) and afterward the relative said to me “that was a nice party, but make sure that NEVER EVER happens again”

🤣🤣🤣 I’m with you and your family member. Personally I can’t imagine anything worse.

OP posts:
StuartSheehyisBack · 16/11/2023 13:30

Talk to her before the party about organising a meal. Give her a list of all the family members who you know won't be at the party and say we want to take on out on Jan 10th or whenever.

That way she'll not be surprised if they aren't at the party, she'll know she is loved, that you've organised something and just blame Xmas for no one being free before and that you didn't want to rush it as it's so important to you all.

Daffyyellow · 16/11/2023 13:30

It’s too late to get the family together at the time of her birthday. It’s not too late to organise something for the new year. Organise it now, so she knows there is a plan, the explanation can then come after the surprise and hopefully the planned event with family will soften the blow of their absence.

Jellycats4life · 16/11/2023 13:33

I hate surprises, so if it were me I’d want to be pre-warned of both the party and the disappointment over who isn’t attending.

Original poster
UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:34

StuartSheehyisBack · 16/11/2023 13:30

Talk to her before the party about organising a meal. Give her a list of all the family members who you know won't be at the party and say we want to take on out on Jan 10th or whenever.

That way she'll not be surprised if they aren't at the party, she'll know she is loved, that you've organised something and just blame Xmas for no one being free before and that you didn't want to rush it as it's so important to you all.

I really like that plan. Thank you 😊 I can definitely have that conversation with her and make it clear everyone has been in touch and wants to celebrate but with Christmas coming they would like to do something in the new year I hoped Mims net would come up with the answer ❤️

OP posts:
mugofstew · 16/11/2023 13:35

This really isn't your circus or monkeys.
Organizing a get together with the family seems sensible.
Inserting yourself between your mum, her husband and her best friends doesn't.
Let them do their thing and talk through their own guest lists.
They are all adults including your mum.

Silvers11 · 16/11/2023 13:37

StuartSheehyisBack · 16/11/2023 13:30

Talk to her before the party about organising a meal. Give her a list of all the family members who you know won't be at the party and say we want to take on out on Jan 10th or whenever.

That way she'll not be surprised if they aren't at the party, she'll know she is loved, that you've organised something and just blame Xmas for no one being free before and that you didn't want to rush it as it's so important to you all.

@UnsureAndUnsteady - this is good advice and what I would do in your position. That way you can all arrange a date where those who can't attend the 'surprise' party can be there to celebrate with your Mum and she will know about it. You can explain that it wasn't possible to get a date which suited everyone as close to her birthday as you would all have liked?

EDIT - Sorry, I see you have just posted that this is what you are going to do!

IMustDoMoreExercise · 16/11/2023 13:38

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 16/11/2023 13:19

If it was my mum I'd tell her. That way she could still walk in and act surprised but wouldn't feel upset that nobody had bothered.

I would tell her too.

It is very difficult to keep a secret like that so I assume that she will have realised that something was going on anyway.

You really do need to let her know otherwiseit will ruin her night.

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