To tell my Mum about her surprise party?

[UnsureAndUnsteady]

My mum has a big birthday coming up and her husband and two best friends are organising her a surprise party. I was informed of the party and date after it had all been booked and sorted. I won’t lie, I was a little hurt that I wasn’t part of the discussions or planning, but sucked it up, (didn’t mention it to anyone) cancelled the plans I had for that date and put it in my diary. I feel they have made it very clear, although not explicitly so, that they don’t want my input so I have sat back and let them get on with it.

Then a couple of days ago one of the friends text me and asked if any family members were coming as the party is in a few short weeks. I said I had no idea as I hadn’t been asked to message them or been involved in anything else. Apparently, they had messaged just one family member, expecting her to let everyone else know, and hadn’t heard back. I want this party to be a success for my Mum so I have spent the last few days messaging family members etc. in short none of them are coming and they are all pretty upset/annoyed at the way it has been handled (as they would want to celebrate with her). I was also told that one other family member had found out and told the friends about the fact the date clashed with a lot of plans and would ruin a planned trip. They asked a couple times for the date to be moved so that family could attend and received no reply. Needless to say I’m now receiving lots of upset messages as they feel they can vent to me.

So here is my problem, when my Mum walks into the room and she has gotten over the initial “Surprise” I know she will be devastated that none of her family are there. She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her (something she struggles with for a number of reasons which is why my family really wanted to make the effort to be at her party). I won’t be able to have an honest conversation with her during the party so she will have to feel that way all night. Therefore do I tell her about the party and explain the difficulties in advance but ruin the surprise or let her have the surprise but know she will be devastated until I can explain things, this hurt is likely to stretch on as she doesn’t let go of emotions quickly.

YABU - do not tell her about the party. Let her enjoy her surprise and catch her up later.
YANBU - tell her in advance about the family situation. She will still love the party but will be prepared for the guest list not being what she hoped.

Have you been absolutely explicit with your mum's friends about how upset she is going to be when she walks in and sees none of her family there,@UnsureAndUnsteady? Have you said the same to your stepdad? Surely he knows your mum as well as you and knows what it will do to her anxiety? It sounds like the conversations have been a bit woolly so far.

Agree with this. Things need putting in no uncertain terms at this point so you can work out what's best to do, OP! That is, if your mum is even available for her own party

Tell her.

It's supposed to be something for her that makes her happy.

Her friends are being very thoughtless.

If you tell her there's something else coming up then she knows she's got two events and she can enjoy both

I'd want to know if i was your mom.

Not because I'm 'sensitive' about such things, but because I really, really hate surprised like that. I like to be prepared.

Honestly... I would arrange your own thing with just her family. The party can be a friend's thing and you arrange a family meal or something

but why can't she be told - SUPRISE - Its a FRIENDS PARTY

Its not her actual birthday on surprise night. Its just a night out, with friends.

its all very strange - i can't imagine thinking "where is my mum" if my mates arranged something for my 50th (though i was very clear - I shall meet you 2 for lunch and if there is any surprise i shall not be happy). i had a family party. and met with friends too seperately.

One is actually flying in for her birthday BUT to a different location (as they have two homes) and so is furious as they are making a special effort and now they won’t even get to see her plus will be in that area on their own!

This gets weirder and weirder. Someone has decided to fly in to celebrate your mum's birthday with her but didn't think to check if there were plans and what they were your mum's family must be chaotic, doubt they could organise a piss up in a brewery!

How about asking some of the absent fmilh members to send a short email you read about in the speeches if there are going to be some (a bit like telegrams at a wedding) or else record a short video wishing her happy birthday that you could splice together if you're tecky at all, and you could show it on the night?

Well yes, given they’re not really trying as they’ve been told they’re hosting an event that will upset OP’s DM.

They’re not protecting her feelings, so why should DM protect theirs. Surely everyone just wants DM to be not upset at her party?!

They did check if there were plans. They checked with my Mum and a few other family members. None of whom are/were aware of the party. It was all organised between them when they were on holiday together over the summer.

I think the issue here may be her husband. Again a very lovely man who adores my mum and does a million small things for her but he isn’t a big picture man. He either hasn’t thought about the sibling visiting or hasn’t clicked that the two dates overlap. He still hasn’t replied to my message.

Your mother has issues.

Whether it will upset the OP's mother or not is entirely speculative. OP thinks it will but obvious her husband AND best friends think it won't. I'm not sure why OP thinks only she has a hotline to her mother's future emotions (or why any posters think that).

The larger picture seems to be that OP's mother has a history of being emotional/dramatic/upset no matter what happens, and OP is twisting herself into a pretzel trying to pre-empt this (while her husband and friends presumably know how to deal with it as they must do so fairly often). It's never a wise idea to bend over backwards for very dramatic people.

(Also a lot of posters are projecting very severely about surprise parties... I personally wouldn't want one either but that doesn't mean anyone who organises one is automatically on a selfish ego trip)

Sorry but why is her husband not managing this conversation with his wife ( your mum). He's arranging the surprise party, must know what you're mum is like so what are his thoughts?

I think you need to step away a bit, it's not your fault, but by becoming too involved at this late stage it will become to feel like it is.

So at no point has a conversation come up between your mum and her husband that Beryl is coming to visit over these dates and these are our plans?

I'm sorry but your behaviour towards your mum sounds ridiculous as does hers.
Tell her at the party, I had nothing to do with invites, if she chooses to overthink and make a drama then so be it.
Your comment about her not wanting a big fuss previously then moaning she didn't get a fuss, I'm sorry but she's a pain in the arse.
It's a bloody adult birthday not a 5 yr old princess being let down!!

I immediately thought that the husband wanted something impressive, but just wanted to pay for it, so delegated to her friends to d the work. If you honestly think that she will fixate on the family not being there. Get a family meet up organised and she can be told about that. An excuse on the day will be needed to get her to the party. It has been about the two organising it and not your Mum. A video message for the night of the party is a good idea. After that tbh you'll have to leave your Mum to deal with what's going on in her head.

I’ve not really thought about it like that before but that is absolutely right. On one of her big birthdays she was adamant she didn’t want a fuss. Just a small meal etc. on the morning she rang me in floods of tears (I honestly thought something terrible had happened) and it turned out it was because we weren’t doing something special for her birthday and it was just a small meal. Luckily I was able to increase the table and guest list size in a day and we had a large meal! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 there is a fair amount of having to read between the lines…

I've lost all sympathy. Your mother is clearly a manipulative drama queen for which there will never be a right answer. Stop pandering to her and let whatever happens happen.

I think the issue here may be her husband.

No, it's definitely your mother.

Sorry OP but your mother sounds incredibly tedious and has everyone doing cartwheels to keep her happy. Which it sounds like she never is. How utterly ungrateful and narcissistic.

If my friends threw me a surprise party, I would be bloody grateful and not spend the night ruminating on missing family members.

Sounds like she has a lifetime of form for this behaviour and a troop of enablers making excuses for her at every turn!

Your mother sounds like hard work tbh. Highly-strung.

I’m not sure a surprise party is the right option.

If this was my party and my daughter knew no one was coming I'd much prefer it if she told me, so it could be cancelled. I'd be mortified turning up to an empty party.

Just do what you would have done and disregard and distance your self from this party, not your circus not your monkeys, I feel like you’ve left it late to organise something special for your mum and are blaming the party a bit.
when actually is her birthday and who are the family? Can you not get together with just siblings on her actual birthday?
them organising a misguided party has nothing to do with restaurants being over booked if you had made your own plan in time, surely anyone close like aunties and cousins knows when your mums birthday is and you should have saved that date yourself if you wanted to arrange something.

But 30 odd people are coming according to the OP - her mum’s friends.

FGS! People ARE coming to her party! her husband, daughter (OP) and 30 friends.