Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my Mum about her surprise party?

148 replies

UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:07

My mum has a big birthday coming up and her husband and two best friends are organising her a surprise party. I was informed of the party and date after it had all been booked and sorted. I won’t lie, I was a little hurt that I wasn’t part of the discussions or planning, but sucked it up, (didn’t mention it to anyone) cancelled the plans I had for that date and put it in my diary. I feel they have made it very clear, although not explicitly so, that they don’t want my input so I have sat back and let them get on with it.

Then a couple of days ago one of the friends text me and asked if any family members were coming as the party is in a few short weeks. I said I had no idea as I hadn’t been asked to message them or been involved in anything else. Apparently, they had messaged just one family member, expecting her to let everyone else know, and hadn’t heard back. I want this party to be a success for my Mum so I have spent the last few days messaging family members etc. in short none of them are coming and they are all pretty upset/annoyed at the way it has been handled (as they would want to celebrate with her). I was also told that one other family member had found out and told the friends about the fact the date clashed with a lot of plans and would ruin a planned trip. They asked a couple times for the date to be moved so that family could attend and received no reply. Needless to say I’m now receiving lots of upset messages as they feel they can vent to me.

So here is my problem, when my Mum walks into the room and she has gotten over the initial “Surprise” I know she will be devastated that none of her family are there. She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her (something she struggles with for a number of reasons which is why my family really wanted to make the effort to be at her party). I won’t be able to have an honest conversation with her during the party so she will have to feel that way all night. Therefore do I tell her about the party and explain the difficulties in advance but ruin the surprise or let her have the surprise but know she will be devastated until I can explain things, this hurt is likely to stretch on as she doesn’t let go of emotions quickly.

YABU - do not tell her about the party. Let her enjoy her surprise and catch her up later.
YANBU - tell her in advance about the family situation. She will still love the party but will be prepared for the guest list not being what she hoped.

OP posts:
OhpoorMe · 16/11/2023 13:40

Her family can't be that bothered about celebrating with her, or her them, if no one has suggested it when her birthday is a few weeks ago and they don't know about the party!

LittleMissUnreasonable · 16/11/2023 13:42

Her family can't be that bothered about celebrating with her, or her them, if no one has suggested it when her birthday is a few weeks ago and they don't know about the party!
@OhpoorMe

I thought this too. All well and good the relatives getting on their soap boxes because they can't attend the party, but why have none of them attempted to arrange a party/meal/celebration.

Feduptosaytheleast · 16/11/2023 13:45

Can you get the family members who can't make it to make short videos saying Happy birthday and they are sorry they couldn't make it but they love her and will celebrate with her soon, then stitch them all together and play to her at beginning of party? At least them she'll know they wanted to be there but couldn't?

TammyJones · 16/11/2023 13:45

Sprinkles211 · 16/11/2023 13:09

Don't tell her. Tell the organisers that it needs to be rearranged as your mum will be very upset that the people she loves will not be there and offer to help with the arrangements so that you can co ordinate with family to make it the best possible party for your mum.

THIS
there is no alternative

RyanGoose · 16/11/2023 13:48

Could you get the family members to all sign and write nice messages in a great big birthday card with an invite to the meal in it? That way she can see that it wasn't an afterthought and they're looking forward to celebrating with her? Maybe also a big bunch of flowers from everyone too?

I hope that it all goes smoothly and your Mum feels loved and that her birthday celebrations are special.

User3735 · 16/11/2023 13:50

Can you not tell the organisers that you are going to tell her if they won't change the date to accommodate who she would want there? They might listen if they know it means spoiling the surprise.

Gowlett · 16/11/2023 13:50

How annoying that they’ve organised the party without you. And not invited anybody… Then asked you who’s going! I think changing the date for a big / surprise party with family in attendance is the only alternative. And the party booked by husband / 2 friends could become a dinner / smaller affair on the actual birthday? The surprise could be scrapped altogether…

PosteriorPosterity · 16/11/2023 13:52

After the surprise moment, when you get your chance to give her a hug and say hello I would at that point say “oh you wouldn’t believe the drama I’ve had to deal with this week - organisers forgot to invite your family, and then when I asked if they were coming they were all so annoyed they couldn’t be here given the short notice… but don’t worry, we’ve all decided to take you out for a meal so we’ll get a date arranged tomorrow now the surprise is out of the way!!”

Macaroni46 · 16/11/2023 13:53

So book her a family meal for after Christmas and tell her NOW about that. That way she knows the family are doing something to celebrate.

Sleepwhatsthazzz · 16/11/2023 13:56

If your mum is upset that no one has plans, then organise a family get together with her knowledge. That way she won't be upset in the run up, as she will be aware of family plans, she won't be upset whne family not at party as she is aware of family plans and she will still get her surprise

CharlotteRose90 · 16/11/2023 13:56

I would tell her in this case. I booked a surprise for my mums 70th and made sure I invited all the family and her close friends. Believe me she’ll be looking for them . Family is what makes a party not just friends so I would tell her and see what she says.

TempName247 · 16/11/2023 13:56

I would tell her

whiteroseredrose · 16/11/2023 13:57

If it was my mum I would tell her - but my mum would hate a surprise party in the first place.

If you think that she will be upset about all the people who couldn't come, I'd definitely tell her.

LimeCheesecake · 16/11/2023 13:57

I agree with the plan of arranging a meal out in January and make sure she knows it’s happening and that you’ve booked it then as that’s the only date everyone can do. So she knows she has it to look forward too. You can drop a hint that her husband might be arranging something closer to her birthday, but you aren’t sure what, however don’t tell her about the party or the guest list.

burnoutbabe · 16/11/2023 13:57

I can't imagine if my friends organised a party for me they ep Tod also have to invite all my family?

You'd surely celebrate her big birthday on the day with her?

It would probably be more clear if you didn't also attend -it's a friends birthday, all of similar ages I guess?

FrostieBoabby · 16/11/2023 13:59

I would arrange a lovely family meal out with no hangers on and totally bugger up the surprise party followed by my most innocent 'what surprise party' face.

Whataretheodds · 16/11/2023 13:59

UnsureAndUnsteady · 16/11/2023 13:24

It’s too late to book anything near her birthday. The Christmas rush is upon us and it is one of the reasons half of them can’t make it. It will have to be in the new year

Show quote history

So do that then. Get it booked in now and make a fuss over it. And take her out for tea and cake or whatever nearer her birthday.

Dahlia444 · 16/11/2023 14:01

StuartSheehyisBack · 16/11/2023 13:30

Talk to her before the party about organising a meal. Give her a list of all the family members who you know won't be at the party and say we want to take on out on Jan 10th or whenever.

That way she'll not be surprised if they aren't at the party, she'll know she is loved, that you've organised something and just blame Xmas for no one being free before and that you didn't want to rush it as it's so important to you all.

This sounds good to me

QWERTYoutside · 16/11/2023 14:02

I would not tell her. She can’t change the outcome. Do something else, start now, include her.. her surprise will be even more of a surprise if she thinks she’s involved in organising her birthday party

trulyunruly01 · 16/11/2023 14:03

Yes, you must make sure that she knows all the details of the family party before the surprise party. If the s.party is on the actual day then get all the family cards and pressies sent to you, take her for a lovely lunch and give her all the goodies and why not do a 'save the date' card for the day of the family party and all out your names to it.
Then she will wander round the s.party telling people 'thank you for coming, how lovely, but of course my 'proper' party is on X January with all the family'.

Fluffyc1ouds · 16/11/2023 14:03

I agree with the suggestion of telling your mum about all the relatives who want to do a big meal in the new year. You can start arranging that and get her involved.

And I assume this surprise party is in the evening? Could you take her out to do something nice on her birthday in the daytime? I had a friend who got a surprise party once and they spent the day really gutted that they were being ignored and nothing was happening. I agree that dropping a hint that her husband might be organising something would help, and also mean she knows who is responsible for the crap party when she arrives!

trulyunruly01 · 16/11/2023 14:05

If anyone thinks it strange that the family party is not until new year, then it's because Xmas is such a busy time and it gives all your Mum's really important people a chance to get together in boring drab January and get the new year off to a bangin' start.

burnoutbabe · 16/11/2023 14:07

trulyunruly01 · 16/11/2023 14:03

Yes, you must make sure that she knows all the details of the family party before the surprise party. If the s.party is on the actual day then get all the family cards and pressies sent to you, take her for a lovely lunch and give her all the goodies and why not do a 'save the date' card for the day of the family party and all out your names to it.
Then she will wander round the s.party telling people 'thank you for coming, how lovely, but of course my 'proper' party is on X January with all the family'.

That would've a crappy thing for her to do to friends who have gone to trouble to organise something!

I mean is she not a person in her own right with friends/carear and a life outside family?
Or is she just "mum"

Reddog1 · 16/11/2023 14:07

If the family members wanted to be at the party, they would be. It’s odd that everyoneis unavailable that night having had several weeks’ notice tbh. Sounds like a silly power play is going on. Such a shame.

Your mum will have a lovely time with her friends and her husband, I’m sure.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/11/2023 14:08

HerMammy · 16/11/2023 13:15

She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her
Not if you say mum we tried to get a better date but sadly it wasn't taken on board. No need for all the upset at all.

This.