To tell my Mum about her surprise party?

[UnsureAndUnsteady]

My mum has a big birthday coming up and her husband and two best friends are organising her a surprise party. I was informed of the party and date after it had all been booked and sorted. I won’t lie, I was a little hurt that I wasn’t part of the discussions or planning, but sucked it up, (didn’t mention it to anyone) cancelled the plans I had for that date and put it in my diary. I feel they have made it very clear, although not explicitly so, that they don’t want my input so I have sat back and let them get on with it.

Then a couple of days ago one of the friends text me and asked if any family members were coming as the party is in a few short weeks. I said I had no idea as I hadn’t been asked to message them or been involved in anything else. Apparently, they had messaged just one family member, expecting her to let everyone else know, and hadn’t heard back. I want this party to be a success for my Mum so I have spent the last few days messaging family members etc. in short none of them are coming and they are all pretty upset/annoyed at the way it has been handled (as they would want to celebrate with her). I was also told that one other family member had found out and told the friends about the fact the date clashed with a lot of plans and would ruin a planned trip. They asked a couple times for the date to be moved so that family could attend and received no reply. Needless to say I’m now receiving lots of upset messages as they feel they can vent to me.

So here is my problem, when my Mum walks into the room and she has gotten over the initial “Surprise” I know she will be devastated that none of her family are there. She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her (something she struggles with for a number of reasons which is why my family really wanted to make the effort to be at her party). I won’t be able to have an honest conversation with her during the party so she will have to feel that way all night. Therefore do I tell her about the party and explain the difficulties in advance but ruin the surprise or let her have the surprise but know she will be devastated until I can explain things, this hurt is likely to stretch on as she doesn’t let go of emotions quickly.

YABU - do not tell her about the party. Let her enjoy her surprise and catch her up later.
YANBU - tell her in advance about the family situation. She will still love the party but will be prepared for the guest list not being what she hoped.

Your Mum sounds quite difficult tbh.

She knows that you are taking her abroad for a weekend.

There's a party plus possibly a meal with family!

I mean what else would she want!

Does she look for faults/slights?

I’m not sure you have read all of the messages. I didn’t take a step back I was told on a number of occasions that my input wasn’t required (in a nice way). I have no idea why they thought one text to one family member would be an invite when all they had to do was ask me to invite all family members and I would have done so.

I am in no way a martyr and am happy to make contact with people but we are now less than 2 weeks from the date and it is only just become apparent that no family will be there. I am happy to text family but I was surprised at what has happened. No one has raised issues with her husband as they didn’t know about it! Also read above as I have spoken to her husband and in short he response is that it is not his problem, he has provided the money and the rest is for the friends to sort.

She is lovely but very emotional. I love her to bits, but she is very easily hurt and feels rejection acutely.

The difficulty will be that when she looks around the party room none of her family will be there. If she knew it was a friends only party she would be fine but the lack of family will be the biggest surprise in her mind and she will fixate on it. I wish that weren’t the case but it is, there is history of this sort of approach. I will definitely try and head it off by raising the family meal before the party and make sure she knows that is happening etc

What an absolute balls up. I love how they have made a shoddy attempt at a surprise party without your input but now because theyve made a shit job of it you are having to try to sort it out and worry. Honestly, are invites not the first port of call when organising a party?

I can understand why you're worried. My 50th was a complete surprise and half my friends hadn't been invited because my husband and DC hadn't realised I was still in touch!
My 60th was going to be a surprise and then my husband had second thoughts so I was able to invite family and friends who hadn't been invited! It was a bit late for some but at least they didn't feel snubbed this time!

Have to agree with BakedBeeeen: my hunch is the organisers fancied a budget to play with to organise what they would enjoy themselves. Does your mum even like surprise parties? Some might think it’s a hoot, others might hate it. Really none of us can judge: you know your mum best and how she will respond but it sounds like you think she will feel upset if she gets ambushed and you guys are not there. We f that’s your genuine thought then quietly tip her off in advance what’s happened. It is after all about making her day. As I posted earlier, I warned my mum about a surprise party and she couldn’t have been more grateful that she was prepared - and enjoyed it more, as I knew she would.

Well then surely she just needs telling at some point that it's a "friends" party & there will be a "family" meal.

Honestly if she fixates too much people will wish that they hadn't bothered to either organise it or attend!

Edited to add-I think it might be best to tell her!

Honestly there are no invites!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 for the older generation I was a bit amused that part of their planning is to invite everyone via text and Facebook messenger!

Don't tell her - you don't need to rescue her and shouldn't ruin her husbands plans even though I am sure you are right. If she's sad, she's sad - you can assure her as you need to on the night and have the proper conversation afterwards. I think you're overstepping if you tell her but can understand that you're coming from a nice place in wanting to do so

If they refuse to change the date just do a separate get together. Afternoon tea or a meal out. But a party isn't really a party without your nearest and dearest there.

I’m surprised your mum’s favourite sibling isn’t going to tell her especially after taking a flight etc.

Mum probably knows all about it . She’s probably reading this thread!

I agree that the organizers are bumblers and that I would hate a surprise party, but otherwise not really seeing the big problem here.

A party given in someone's honour by their friends need not necessarily (and usually doesn't) involve the birthday person's extended family, too. That would be a separate celebration. Why can't she have a party with her and her husband's social group, and then another meal or something with siblings, cousins, whoever?

I believe you're overthinking it. Probably the reason you weren't asked to help with the plans is that it is a peer-group, social-group event, not a family event. Tbh if your mum is "devastated" that her extended family is not invited by the people she goes to the pub with, or whatever, that is kind of weird.

Well none of these people who aren't coming had done anything themselves to make the effort for it. They may not have known about the surprise party but they knew it was her birthday. So maybe it's best to stop pandering to absent people who can't be arsed and focus on enjoying the efforts of those that can.

It isn't an ego trip for the organisers, it is very hard work and I can say from experience I have never enjoyed a moment. It is actually a huge sacrifice and last time I simply said "never again" when a friend asked. The people I know who have organised these have said very similar things. You are solely doing it for the person's benefit.
The more I think about this, why didn't you just offer to help? Organise something for family if worried or just explain they couldn't make it (that is life). They could rearrange if they were that fussed (bar flights etc), but if flights booked they wouldn't have been coming anyway. You can still help now. Offer to set up, buy drinks or food, make a cake etc.
Don't ruin a surprise or start creating drama for the people who have gone to the effort of doing this for her. Just try to help make it nice for her and then if you need to organise something with family you can. I hope she has a great time!

I wouldn't like it but depends on the person and their circumstances. My son is in sheltered housing one of his carers is from Hungary. He came to the UK for the work so all his family are in Hungary. He's only really got work colleagues as friends and he came during the pandemic as soon as we could travel by plane. But they just did one in the house with the staff and 4 lads living in the house. And yes they hid when they seen him arrive for his shift and jumped out saying surprise. But for him it was a nice surprise. He never had anyone else to celebrate with. They did go out for a few drinks after as well.

Can the relatives who can’t make it send her cards to you to give to her and write in the cards how sorry they were to have been unable to get to her party and you give her the cards at the party

Agree with this. It’s not your job to manage your mums emotions. She will react how she reacts you can’t manage that.

Definitely tell her.

Very few people would want a surprise party thrown for them, it means the birthday person feels sad in the run up to their special day and doesn’t get to enjoy looking forward to it, and they won’t be dressed the way they would have chosen to if they knew all their family would be there, etc. Throwing a surprise party is all about the organisers taking fill control and their ego, it is never anout what the birthday person actually wants.

I’ve only been to one and it was clear the birthday guy was pissed off as he’d had a late night the night before and a knackering day and had planned to rest. It was a bit of an awkward atmosphere!

Explain to your mum exactly what has happened. Organise a separate family event (meal?) if you can.

And yes when people say they don’t want a fuss it normally means I want people to make a fuss of me without my having to tell them to.

Ah yes I knew it would be something like this! My other post stands. I know it’s tempting to try and manage others so you aren’t impacted (emotionally especially) .

@UnsureAndUnsteady I would tell mum before the party, explain everything so she has a clear picture of what has happened and also that you and the rest of the family would like to have a birthday celebration dinner in the new year.
I don’t think you have to honour the ‘surprise’ , you offered to help with arrangements, you know your mother and how will she will react- the organisers have chosen not to listen. Do what you think is right

I'm sorry, a surprise party doesnt usually involve family? What claptrap

I think you're really inserting yourself where you don't need to.

From the sounds of things your family isn't particularly close or outgoing so if anything having a separate friends do and then a family meal is ideal, your mum doesn't have to run between different groups of people who don't know each other.

Just say to your mum 'right mum I've messaged everyone and these are the dates that suits in the new year for a big family meal for your birthday' You sort that and leave the friend party to her friends. Her friends actually sound lovely and your mum should feel delighted that they think so highly of her to go to the effort to organise a party for her instead of focusing on who's not there

I totally agree with this.
My aunt wanted to organise a surprise party for my gran's 80th (this is now 10 years ago). And part of the lovely 'surprise' would have involved 8 people descending on her to stay (one coming from America and she hadn't seen him for years). My mum and I said no way, or the next family get together would be her funeral. She would have hated it - too old and with a heart condition anyway!

Her husband actually said it's not his problem?

Does he not love your mum? Why wouldn't he care that something is possibly going to upset her?