To tell my Mum about her surprise party?

[UnsureAndUnsteady]

My mum has a big birthday coming up and her husband and two best friends are organising her a surprise party. I was informed of the party and date after it had all been booked and sorted. I won’t lie, I was a little hurt that I wasn’t part of the discussions or planning, but sucked it up, (didn’t mention it to anyone) cancelled the plans I had for that date and put it in my diary. I feel they have made it very clear, although not explicitly so, that they don’t want my input so I have sat back and let them get on with it.

Then a couple of days ago one of the friends text me and asked if any family members were coming as the party is in a few short weeks. I said I had no idea as I hadn’t been asked to message them or been involved in anything else. Apparently, they had messaged just one family member, expecting her to let everyone else know, and hadn’t heard back. I want this party to be a success for my Mum so I have spent the last few days messaging family members etc. in short none of them are coming and they are all pretty upset/annoyed at the way it has been handled (as they would want to celebrate with her). I was also told that one other family member had found out and told the friends about the fact the date clashed with a lot of plans and would ruin a planned trip. They asked a couple times for the date to be moved so that family could attend and received no reply. Needless to say I’m now receiving lots of upset messages as they feel they can vent to me.

So here is my problem, when my Mum walks into the room and she has gotten over the initial “Surprise” I know she will be devastated that none of her family are there. She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her (something she struggles with for a number of reasons which is why my family really wanted to make the effort to be at her party). I won’t be able to have an honest conversation with her during the party so she will have to feel that way all night. Therefore do I tell her about the party and explain the difficulties in advance but ruin the surprise or let her have the surprise but know she will be devastated until I can explain things, this hurt is likely to stretch on as she doesn’t let go of emotions quickly.

YABU - do not tell her about the party. Let her enjoy her surprise and catch her up later.
YANBU - tell her in advance about the family situation. She will still love the party but will be prepared for the guest list not being what she hoped.

I arranged a surprise party for my Mum about 20 years ago, in the lead up she was a bit upset that no one was making any effort for her big birthday, I told my mum and she was an excellent actor on the day and she was able to enjoy it more. 20 years later still no one knows she knew! She's your mum you know her best go with your gut!!

Surprise parties are misguided generally.

Half the fun of an event is the anticipation, the planning, the picking an outfit. Only the organisers get to enjoy this part. The surprisee is caught on the hop, wishing they wore something else and left mending fences after people they would have invited are forgotten.

You'll have to have a back up plan for her but don't make it another surprise.

Yes this is perfect. Then she will see at as two celebrations. One with her family booked in for the New Year (which she knows about) and then the surprise party mainly for her friends with a couple of additional family members

Something about this feels a bit off, as if the OP is trying to stir something up. She's writing about her mother, a grown woman, as if she's a delicate 5-year-old whose feelings have to be coddled at all costs.

The organisers might not have invited family members but they presumably HAVE invited a decent selection of guests. Your mum isn't going to turn up to an empty hall. I assume she'll have plenty of friends there. This surprise party isn't just one person's brainwave - there are three people, her husband and two friends, behind it. I'm not sure why the OP is so quick to assume that whatever they organise will be a flop.

Also not sure why there needs to be such an emphasis on family members who obviously didn't show any initiative of their own to organise a celebration. Maybe there's a reason the husband and friends prioritised other invitees. Will your mother really be devastated to see her friends but not her family, or is OP projecting a bit?

Finally the idea of telling her about the surprise party is inherently shit-stirring. It's deliberately spoiling the effort her husband and friends are going to, and undermining their celebration. It's ridiculous to say you can't talk to your mum on the night itself. If she seems upset or says something, you just need to tell her XYZ family members send their love but unfortunately couldn't make it. That doesn't require any of these dramatics.

I suspect a massive back story about past rifts, anyway.

Ask people who can't be there to record a happy birthday messages and put in on a screen during the party?

Oh, and I personally would hate a surprise party. But I assume this isn't the case for your mum given that three of the people she's closest to seem to think she'll like one.

Don't tell her. Let her husband and friends explain why there won't be family members there. Take her out somewhere nice, at a later date, with the missing guests, if possible.

Sadly due to her anxieties and low self esteem my Mum would never organise something for herself. I was a teenager when I organised her first proper birthday party as she had never had one and didn’t want to “impose on people” by asking them. Although, as I said earlier, she is dropping hints that she is upset because nothing has been organised.

The family members are quite wide ranging but the difficulties are that a couple are doing something with her the week before so didn’t think to ask, a couple are just as introverted as Mum so would never impose, some are the children of her generation so wouldn’t think about it but would love to come and some are aboard. One is actually flying in for her birthday BUT to a different location (as they have two homes) and so is furious as they are making a special effort and now they won’t even get to see her plus will be in that area on their own! My husband just made a good point about if SHE will even be there as she thinks she is spending that time at their second home with the family member! I’ve sent some messages just now to see if they have even thought about that…😵‍💫

So what had you planned to do with her to make her feel loved?

This doesn't add up. Fair enough, she'll be disappointed that her family aren't there, but you can quickly explain that it's a friends celebration and whatever you've got planned as a family will still happen. It's absolutely normal to celebrate with those two groups separately.

Unless there's no family plan at all, but then it can't be as important as you're making out now, as no-one had planned anything...

Do you have emails / WhatsApp messages that you can show her on the day that clearly show that they are sad they cannot be there? If so I'd keep it a secret and show the messages to let her know that they wanted to be there.

Why didn't you communicate with her partner months ago about planning a lovely party for her?
What exactly were you intending to do for this milestone birthday?

This is what I was going to suggest

Arrange a meal with the family on a date just before or after her birthday. Make sure she knows it's happening before the party and who will be there. At the party make quick mention that Bob, Mary, Jane and Fred couldn't make this date but you've had/will have the meal with them to celebrate.

You seem to have taken this really personally that you haven't been the one to organise the party.

Seems bit strange NONE of her family can attend on this specific date, even though you say its WEEKS away.

No you shouldn't tell your mum about the surprise party. Let her have her party with her husband and friends.

Why don't you organise a family birthday meal for her instead.

I think you could also try and turn it in to a number of events for her birthday to take the focus off the surprise party.
So the couple meeting your mum the week before, ideally they would bring your mum a gift or treat her as their present to her.
Can you do a brunch or something special with your mum just before the party?
If you have kids could they bring your mum a cake and their gifts on the morning of her birthday? That sort of thing.
I'd also tell her if it was my mum as I know for a fact she would HATE to be surprised like that. That's your call.
And in your card or the video message above, talk about how whilst everyone can't be with her on the day, you will each be arranging something with her to show her how special she is to you.

She's a grown woman not a wispy 12yr old! let her have her 'surprise' and just tell her straight afterwards about why the family couldn't make it, it was organised by her husband and friends after all!

I don't get all the 'devastation & long trauma', she's not even expecting a party! sounds like you're trying to dramatise the effect of 'missing family' by spoiling the whole do. Let's be honest here, I'm sure there's a tiny piece of you that would be delighted to tell her about the planned surprise.

I agree to book in a family meal/party ASAP! It doesn’t matter if it’s in the new year. What matters is that on the day of her surprise party you can say ‘Happy birthday! Don’t you worry - family party is all booked in for THIS DATE in the New Year ;-) Let’s boogie with your friends tonight!’

Just make sure to book it in ASAP so it’s not terribly far into the new year.

Oh and a birthday video with everyone wishing her a happy birthday is a great way to make her feel loved by everyone on the day!

Could you get the family members who can't make it to record messages and well wishes and play them on the night of the party?

I have a relation who sounds similar to your Mum and would be devastated if people she thought would be there weren't.

The video messages would let her know that they wanted to be but couldn't without you having to have the conversation during the party.

It's a bit shit that none of her family have made an effort to plan to celebrate with her for her big birthday... if she has feelings of being rejected by her family and everyone is too busy from now until mid January to celebrate this date with her.. I think that will hurt, no matter how it is wrapped up. Christmas is every year - and 70 or 80 or whatever 0 it is .. is once.. or once every 10 years if you see it that way.. I suspect she has spent her whole life feeling that Christmas is a priority over her. Can you get together with her family and change this?

Perhaps an advent calendar style - Congratulations on turning 70!

10 ways to celebrate your decade - Each envelope represents a date with your loved ones..

• Day one - lunch at XX with sister..
• Day two - coffee and cake in YY with Brother and Wife,
• Day three - Nativity play with niece / nephew ...
• Day four - breakfast at local national trust with someone else,

leave the last one for the celebration party....

I would tell her. I actually think her husband and friends have been really out of order. I also think the wider family are bad none of them making it, bloody hell what are they doing that's so important for a couple of hours. You're the only nice one on the scene OP!

No back story and no past rifts. We aren’t a very close family but we all love each other and spend time together when we can. We don’t always celebrate big occasions which is why it’s not such a leap to think no one would have asked what is being organised. We are probably quite stereotypically British, in a “you bump into us and we will say sorry” way. However, my Mum has fragile mental health and really struggles with feeling of rejection. I’m not coddling her but I do know how upset she would be. I am not projecting as I would in no way be upset, I’d be fuming if I were in her shoes.
I’ve set out in another message all the difficulties family members have.
There are other people going to be there, I think the friends tally is about 30ish. I don’t know as they haven’t asked me who to invite or told me what’s going on but they know enough of her friends to get together a group about that size. I’m not saying it will be a flip at all but there should be a further 20-30 family members there which is half the numbers. If you think she won’t notice and wonder why her own mother and siblings aren’t there then…well you can work it out!

Finally her husband is playing no part in the organisation at all, he is the one with the cash. He has said to them “organise something she will like and tell me the bill”. I know because I spoke to him when I said this isn’t what she would want (based on what she told me) and he basically said that it wasn’t his problem as he has handed the reins over to them.

I do have these but some of them are pretty scathing about husband and friends. Not sure I would want to show her but if she asked I could 👍🏻

Can you do a video or something to show her on the day? Get all the missing family members just to say "happy birthday and sorry we can't be there today". Show it to her immediately after the big surprise so there is no hurt.

While I’m sure they mean well, they have gone about it in an odd way by not prioritising family in setting a date. For that reason, if they won’t change it I would have the family gathering first. That way she will at least know you have all made an effort when she first realised they aren’t at the party. FWIW my mum had this situation when some friends did the same ( though family invited/ able to attend). She actually hates surprise parties ( likes to look forward to it, choose her clothes etc). I wrestled with keeping it secret then told her in advance - not the details, just to be prepared people were going to acknowledge it. She couldn’t have been more grateful - and had time to practice her happy face not one of shock! The best bit of a surprise party is not having to organise it, which she won’t have to do. But some people can feel a bit “ambushed.”

I did and it was already planned. I told them that isn’t what she wanted and was told to keep out of it. I asked if they needed help, phone numbers etc and was told it was all in hand. They weren’t mean with the way they said it but it was a “you’re so busy and we aren’t so we have this”. I chased a few times and got no details and only when they messaged a couple of days ago did I realised their family invite was to one person just expecting her to invite everyone else.

I want to reiterate I completely believe they are coming from a place of love and wanting to do something special it is just misguided