To tell my Mum about her surprise party?

[UnsureAndUnsteady]

My mum has a big birthday coming up and her husband and two best friends are organising her a surprise party. I was informed of the party and date after it had all been booked and sorted. I won’t lie, I was a little hurt that I wasn’t part of the discussions or planning, but sucked it up, (didn’t mention it to anyone) cancelled the plans I had for that date and put it in my diary. I feel they have made it very clear, although not explicitly so, that they don’t want my input so I have sat back and let them get on with it.

Then a couple of days ago one of the friends text me and asked if any family members were coming as the party is in a few short weeks. I said I had no idea as I hadn’t been asked to message them or been involved in anything else. Apparently, they had messaged just one family member, expecting her to let everyone else know, and hadn’t heard back. I want this party to be a success for my Mum so I have spent the last few days messaging family members etc. in short none of them are coming and they are all pretty upset/annoyed at the way it has been handled (as they would want to celebrate with her). I was also told that one other family member had found out and told the friends about the fact the date clashed with a lot of plans and would ruin a planned trip. They asked a couple times for the date to be moved so that family could attend and received no reply. Needless to say I’m now receiving lots of upset messages as they feel they can vent to me.

So here is my problem, when my Mum walks into the room and she has gotten over the initial “Surprise” I know she will be devastated that none of her family are there. She is very sensitive and will 100% see it as her family rejecting her (something she struggles with for a number of reasons which is why my family really wanted to make the effort to be at her party). I won’t be able to have an honest conversation with her during the party so she will have to feel that way all night. Therefore do I tell her about the party and explain the difficulties in advance but ruin the surprise or let her have the surprise but know she will be devastated until I can explain things, this hurt is likely to stretch on as she doesn’t let go of emotions quickly.

YABU - do not tell her about the party. Let her enjoy her surprise and catch her up later.
YANBU - tell her in advance about the family situation. She will still love the party but will be prepared for the guest list not being what she hoped.

Surely it would be pretty difficult to keep changing the date to accommodate everyone's schedules though, especially if you say it's too late to even book a meal now before christmas so I imagine changing the date of the party isn't going to be possible now even if they wanted too.

You sound awful actually, just let her have the party with her friends. If her family wanted to be there then they would be coming.

I'm getting similar vibes to my own mother here. Doesn't want any fuss while simultaneously claiming that nobody makes an effort.
I've spent my whole life having to interpret what my mother really means. So, when she says she "doesn't want any fuss", what she actually means is, she wants a massive fuss.
If a massive fuss is made, she will complain that she didn't want a fuss. If the massive fuss doesn't materialise, she will complain that nobody bothers about her.

Is there an element of this going on, OP?

It really doesn't seem a stretch that your mum would be able to understand that a surprise party organized by her friends includes mostly other friends.
Then her family can do another family based activity if they wish on a different date.

I'm not really understanding how this has lead to such high drama and angst if there truly is no backstory.

It shouldn't have gotten to the point that people are sending unpleasant messages about the people who have actually gone to the effort of organizing a party.

If they won’t reschedule the party I would 100 percent tell her in advance what has happened.

She shouldn’t have to struggle with accepting they aren’t there at the actual party.

The organizers are actually being pretty selfish here, and thinking more about the ‘surprise’ they want to organise than your mum. I would not respect their ‘secret’. I would respect my Mum.

So she'll have a party with about 30 of her friends, probably people she's closer to than her family as you say "we're not a close family". I can see why her friends didn't prioritise her family if they're not close but they've made an effort to organise something she will enjoy with loved ones, so... I still think you're inserting yourself unnecessarily. For some social groups there isn't too much overlap between friends' events and family events. Just organise something separate and tell her on the day (without spoiling the surprise).

I’ve not really thought about it like that before but that is absolutely right. On one of her big birthdays she was adamant she didn’t want a fuss. Just a small meal etc. on the morning she rang me in floods of tears (I honestly thought something terrible had happened) and it turned out it was because we weren’t doing something special for her birthday and it was just a small meal. Luckily I was able to increase the table and guest list size in a day and we had a large meal! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 there is a fair amount of having to read between the lines…

This is awful. They're arranging a whole party for her but, as it stands, your Mum can't even make it. Is she going to be gutted that she doesn't get to see this family member who she thinks she's having time away with? Has your Dad communicated to the family member that it's cancelled as he'll be taking her to her surprise party instead? Who on earth came up with the date? She's going to be very confused.

I think you need to tell her. It would almost be fine if the people she was meant to be seeing would actually be at the party...it's really weird that they hadn't even been told. At what point would your Dad have told them??

I did and it was already planned. I told them that isn’t what she wanted and was told to keep out of it. I asked if they needed help, phone numbers etc and was told it was all in hand. They weren’t mean with the way they said it but it was a “you’re so busy and we aren’t so we have this”. I chased a few times and got no details and only when they messaged a couple of days ago did I realised their family invite was to one person just expecting her to invite everyone else.

I want to reiterate I completely believe they are coming from a place of love and wanting to do something special it is just misguided*

Fair enough to you then. I'd definitely sort a celebration for the new year then with the family that can't be at the 'party' and tell your mum after why.
What exactly have the husband and friends sorted?

Sorry maybe I’m not being clear. If she knows it is just a party for friends she will love it and have a lovely time. But if it is a surprise party and she realises her family aren’t there then that will be the focus of her night.

One birthday something was organised without anyone telling me until 5 days before. I was out of the country so couldn’t attend. She still talks about it and (I kid you not) gets tearful recalling it.

Oh so this is what's going on. And it explains why she's sending you "scathing messages" about her husband and besties (the only person this reflects badly on is your mum).

She will probably be dramatically upset no matter what happens and you should definitely stop trying to second-guess her devastation.

Oh God, what if the surprise-ee can’t make it…
Have they even thought to save the date with her?

This family member found out about the party when I messaged them today! They are furious and worried that their partner will be upset, they can’t change plans as there are flights involved. They are siblings and it is her favourite sibling, so my mum will also be upset at missing time with them and will feel really guilty about how they have been treated. I have messaged her husband and friends to ask how they are planning to get her to the party when she thinks she is with someone else in a totally different location. I have yet to have a reply…

I have just organised a surprise party for my Mum and had the same issue of no family being able to make it. Do not tell her and definitely not to vent about organising it. I was very pissed off at the lack of support I got in organising, and especially on the day. It was really hard. However, my Mum had a great day with her friends and loved it. Afterwards, try to organise another meal or event to catch up with the family - and suggest they send a card or pressie. Our house is full of flowers or cards from people who couldn't make it to the party. On the evening of her party afterwards, I sat down and went through everyone who would have loved to be there but couldn't, and why. My Mum said she noticed family weren't there but understood why they weren't - prior plans, holidays etc. So I would suggest saying how much they would have loved to have been there and hopefully they will send a card. I also wouldn't be that angry at those organising the party - it is very very hard work - way more than people recognise a lot of the time. One tip is just to make sure she is either wearing something she likes on the day or that you have an outfit picked out for her to change into :)

Tell her on the night as soon as the surprise is over that this party was arranged by her friends and that, lovely as they are for doing it, they didn't manage to contact family in time. That you've spoken to Barbara and Colin and Aunty Margaret and they're really disappointed as they'd have loved to have been there.
(Oh and you know your mum. Is she a surprise person? Because if my DD let me turn up to a party I knew nothing about and hadn't dressed for and mentally prepped for...well...she just wouldn't!)

I’m taking her to another country for a long weekend and have a meal that she knows about booked on the actual day of her birthday. Both of these things she is completely aware of

I am very confused if I am honest with you why all the need for the drama and I can see signs of why there is turmoil in your family.
You taking a step back because you felt hurt rather than opting in to help out from the beginning if you wanted involvement.
You then making yourself a martyr by making this apparent huge effort to contact family and everyone having a moan. I mean how much effort does it really take to send a standard text?
No one talking to the organisers, in particular, her husband to raise the issues you have mentioned.
You now suggesting the option of ruining her surprise.
No where was there the option of speaking to her husband! The person who can sort things out.

It really depends on your mum and your relationship with her. I would tell my mum partly because she’d feel I’d betrayed her if I didn’t. But also because she doesn’t like incompetence and bad organisation and would be pissed off with the friends for cocking things up and pissed off with her husband for not taking responsibility.

In the OP’s case I would just organise another party for the family members when everyone can make it.

I'd give the friends the hard word.
"All very nice that you've organised mum's surprise party but you've completely overstepped the mark by not ensuring that mum's family can attend even after I offered to help send invites. Mum is going to be so upset when she sees her loved ones are not in attendance. You need to have a serious rethink about this party, either change the date or cancel the whole thing"
I'd be bloody furious if someone was going to cause my dm upset.
What are they playing at?
Is the party more about them than your dm, virtue signalling, look how good we are organising a party for you.
I'd be telling them straight, I wouldn't give a shit about upsetting them

Sensible approach

Sure, if you want to deliberately undermine the lady's husband and friends who are trying to do a nice thing

I would tell her if it was my mum.

Side note, a surprise party would be my idea of utter hell !!

she is already talking about how no one is making any effort and no one has planned anything for her.

This is your chance, OP. Tell her you’re planning a big birthday celebration on [date most of the family can make], just not on the actual day because most of the family weren’t able to make [birthday date].

Then she can enjoy the surprise, knowing she has another celebration with family coming up.

And if you organise that, maybe someone could organise the treat your mum told you she actually wanted!

Okay the more information you give the more your mother sounds like quite a manipulative drama lama.

I would absolutely not get involved.

Your mum's friends have organized a party of friends for her that her husband has paid for, this is a surprise.
This sounds fine.

Her family haven't actually organized anything but can do so later on. Also fine but less thoughtful than friends and husband.

It sounds as though you have also planned things for your mother.

If the combined total of all this isn't enough then the issue is your mother and not anyone else involved.

I agree I literally can’t wait honk of a worse way to celebrate my birthday. Everyone around me knows it’s an absolute no for me and I’ve told them I’d go home if they ever tried it 🤣

30 of her loved ones will be in attendance. Her friends. OP says they're not a close family anyway. OP also says her mother has form for being upset regardless of what happens - I feel OP is coming from a lifetime of having to constantly second-guess her mother's moods (in vain, of course).