Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

I do hope you've put it all back

I said yabu because you let the things come out the boxes! Stand up for yourself for goodnessake. Your kids will be sad he did this.

It’s also the fact that over the years he has been very keen to get rid of all the baby things and other memorabilia such as the children’s artwork. The children once spotted their art in the recycling on their way to school, it was so sad. I have no idea why he wants to rid the house of these items. He hoards his own few items he feels attached to - some little things his grandfather gave him and so on, so he is not devoid of sentiment. But he does not want any of the children’s things around, particularly art, certificates and such

Get the boxes back. Find somewhere that isn't his space to keep them. Remember that you are doing this for your dc, not him.

Why is he the boss of this? Who made him the king?

seriously though my DH isn’t sentimental but would not even for a second get in my way of a project like this.

Point out that you and the children feel the same about the things in these boxes as he does about his grandfather's items. So if the boxes go, maybe his grandfather's stuff should to?

Or, he can STFU and everyone can keep the things they want to keep.

Hah! Yes he does - in my view at least (mother in laws artwork for example - he thinks I am unreasonable for not hanging her paintings, maybe that’s mean but they are hideous. Wish I could accommodate but it’s just not possible, we don’t have any out of the way walls which would be suitable )

NO. hes allowed an opinion.obviously
NOT the final say. no.

He is controlling. I Al find it hard to believe this is the only thing he's been like this about. That he thinks gets a say and you will listen is telling enough.

It's also really awful he understands items can be sentimental as he keeps his own. It's not like he does get it. Does he normally struggle with empathy and understanding towards others?

Tell him if he gets rid of his things from his grandfather, there will be plenty of space for the boxes.

Honestly you need to stand up for yourself and your children. What you want is every bit as important as what he wants. Stop looking for his approval. Your own approval is enough. Say to him "you know what dh, I am putting those boxes back together and I am storing them. I appreciate you don't like this or feel this stuff is worth keeping but I disagree so I will be keeping them"

(That was in response to @cathcath2 )

Your last paragraph is all wrong. You are RIGHT to be upset and it's perfectly healthy and normal to be attached to those things. Your husband sounds like an empathy-free void and frankly awful.

My mum was like your husband. She could never stand "clutter" (what most people would call normal household possessions) so everything was like a magnolia show home. On Christmas Day as soon as we finished unwrapping she got out bin bags to get rid of the paper and packaging and organised the toys into neat piles.

All I have from childhood is one book of nursery rhymes that I have no memories of, and my bear that I persisted in keeping. I remember hardly anything from before the age of 8.

He is not controlling! This is oddly the one specific issue he seems to feel strongly about.

It's controlling.

He hoards his own few items he feels attached to - some little things his grandfather gave him and so on, so he is not devoid of sentiment. But he does not want any of the children’s things around, particularly art, certificates and such

This is totally unfair. Have you asked him to explain why him keeping his sentimental items is any different from the kids keeping theirs?

He's entitled to not get sentimental over his children's things.

What he's not entitled to do is dictate what you (and your children) feel sentimental about.

As an aside, it's awful that he's just trying to throw away each phase as your children pass through it. Your children will only be at each stage once. Don't let him steal your memories.

But he is being controlling. This is important to you. He doesn't get to override your wishes.

It's really concerning that you seem to have just accepted his "decision" and are asking how you can change your own perspective and not feel sad about these precious things being thrown away, and that saying, "No DH, these things are important to me, I am keeping them" doesn't seem to have even occurred to you.

So what if he feels strongly about this one specific issue?

So do you.

You will be more harmed by being forced to get rid of these things which are precious to you than he will be by the presence of a couple of boxes in the house.

Surely if he's not controlling you can just tell him to get stuffed and inform him that the boxes are staying.

@Kitkat189 My mum still has boxes like this gathering dust in the loft. So did my grandmother, for whom it was three boxes in a skip when she died because her kids didn't want them (even my mum, who keeps said boxes of our stuff gathering dust). Sorry, I know it sounds a bit harsh but I guess you have to consider whether you actually want to keep the stuff or whether it's because you find it too hard to throw away.

read your updates-ok so artwork can potentially be saved to cloud/photgraph style.takes up no room. but things like babygown arent ridiculous,first hair cut,etc... Its not about what HE wants/cherishes.its your memory boxes. just dont back down.

As other people have said, pack everything back into the boxes and tell your husband to get stuffed. It's a lovely idea to create memory boxes and your children will really value them in the future. My mum saved all my toys and it was so special going through them when I was older. I've still got a box of my most precious things packed away. I've also kept loads of my daughters special clothes and toys for her to go through when she's older.

Why couldn’t you fit the boxes in your wardrobe or loft? Or in the kids room somewhere?

It’s such a lovely thing for you to do with and for the kids, so I disagree with him about the existence of it, I think it’s a lovely idea, but I also don’t blame him for being annoyed that it’s his stuff that’s been moved to accommodate them!

You made it a problem for him when you put them in his space, im thinking if this didn’t effect him in any way then he wouldn’t have minded as much, but he obviously doesn’t like clutter and doesn’t want to sacrifice his space for it at all.

I’d put everything back in the boxes and find somewhere to put the boxes properly, next time he brings it up explain about how it makes you feel and how important it was that you did this, and how upset you feel that he cares so much about something that has no impact on him whatsoever.

YABU for not just telling him it was something you wanted to do and he doesn't need to get involved if he doesn't want to. Bizarre you just rolled over and did what he wanted? Esp with you saying he keeps some stuff of his own.

@Wotsitfappe I could definitely ’win’ this and put the things somewhere in the house but it won’t change the fact that this is how he feels about these things. I just don’t understand why? I’d love to understand why he feels this way about the children’s things? He would happily have our entire house full of his inherited furniture (not lovely heirlooms or I wouldn’t have minded) and knickknacks so he does get attached to material things - but ever since they were babies he’s been at the ready with the donation bag or bin the second they outgrew something. Same with other sentimental baby mementos. It’s so specific it makes me wonder. Would love to have a Freudian analysis 😩😃

You don't need to change how he feels about these things.

You just need him to respect how you feel about them.

The analysis can wait though, you need to save the stuff first! You will have time later to come to terms with him feeling differently about things - and maybe even about the children! - but please don't be paralysed by his disapproval right now.

Get the boxes out to the boot of your car or even round to a friends's house just for a couple of weeks, until you can have it out with him about deliberately ruining a project of yours.