Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

@MargotBamborough True. But I’m still upset that he looks at all of this like it’s rubbish. We can’t agree on everything in this marriage but for some reason this was so hurtful.

For now I put all the little mementoes in a small bin bag and put it away. The clothing I guess will have to go in the name of compromise

It is sad, but if he doesn't get it he doesn't, but he must respect you and DC for your different opinions.
I have things from my childhood that I/my children now have and they love that. I also save things for my children - which they like. Many things do get passed on, but it is important to hold onto some things.

The clothing I guess will have to go in the name of compromise

GIVE YOURSELF A SHAKE, WOMAN!

Why? Seriously how bulky can a couple of items of kids clothing be.
Why aren't you standing up for your kids better OP?

This it really controlling behaviour. There are two of you in the relationship.
I have memory boxes with significant items relating to our children.
Nobody would force me to give them up.
Please be assertive & explain to DH how important these sentimental things are to you. It would actually be a deal breaker if I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to keep them.

No it doesn't!

Do not let that clothing go, you and your children will regret it.

You don't need to compromise on this. Keeping that clothing is important to you and your children and has no impact on him in any way.

The fact that you think you need to compromise just shows that your husband is controlling.

Just tell him to go fuck himself!

No. Put everything in the boxes and in your wardrobe or the kids. Accept he doesn't want to keep it but you do and do what you want to do with things. You don't need to compromise on this any further than you have by limiting it to a small box each.

We have a small house so we keep very limited items, but if I said to my DH I love this, it would stay. Same goes for him. We keep what's important to us, the other person respects that. If he made me get rid of something that meant as much to me as you say these boxes do to you, I'd reconsider keeping him.

This isn't something that needs to be compromised on. You've already cleared out most of the baby things, now you are storing the things you have left.

If, in a years time, he goes through it again and decides it should be got rid of, will you get rid of another half? Then again the next time until there's nothing left?

Just stop OP. There is no way I would let my husband dictate what precious items my children and I wanted to keep.
Why are you being so bloody submissive. You done such a lovely thing for your children and included them in those special moments and he has stamped all over it.

Yep, why are you compromising on this?

Keep the stuff, put it in storage if it offends him so much. Put the kids first, ffs. Let them make the decision. You're just enabling some batshit behaviour. He doesn't have to change, why do you think you have to?

You are allowed your own views.

It really is not his decision.

And you've paid for the nice boxes, use them.

FGS woman find your backbone and stand up for you and your DC. Get the boxes, wrap up the clothing in the tissue paper and put everything back as it was and hide them away from the grumpy bully. Stop lying down and let him walk all over you and your DC.

So don't get rid!!

Have you no space in your own wardrobe for them?

I didn't keep artwork etc, but I had a folder for each child with reports and certificates and a box where I've kept things important to me.

And I'd tell my husband where to go if he told me to get rid. Of them or anything else!

this is really sad, i have a dh who would throw everything out , hes not sentimental and hates clutter. But do you know what I don't let him and he would never make me. You have no need to compromise, they are not his keepsakes to dispose of. Why are you so afraid to stand up to him ?

Your husband sounds like my inlaws except they did at least keep DH's hospital bracelet and some teeth.

My mum has loads of stuff from my childhood - my first pair of shoes, all my teeth (what is it with the teeth?), my first teddy bear (so precious I was never allowed to play with it and it therefore holds no sentimental value to me) and a few special outfits.

There's 3 or 4 boxes of my old toys and books, some of my old artwork etc too.

It makes sense not to keep loads of stuff but a box per child seems reasonable to me. You need to put your foot down. These mean something to you. They mean something to your DC. He doesn't get to overrule that.

I could definitely ’win’ this and put the things somewhere in the house but it won’t change the fact that this is how he feels about these things. I just don’t understand why?

I'm so confused by your posts @Kitkat189 .

So what? So what if he feels it's a waste and he wouldn't have done it? Husband's and wives are allowed to do different things, have different interests - and the fact this is hurting no one but you makes it doubly weird that you're just accepting it.

I'm so confused by this. He's said he wouldn't keep those things but why does that mean you can't? Why did you have to take everything out and put some things in a binbag and the other things out for him to bin? Just put them in a cupboard or the loft or something. It's your stuff and your home.

It's really concerning that you're just letting him dictate on this to you. Very odd, when it apparently means so much to you. Why on earth do you think you need to get rid of it in the name of compromise?

Why on earth are you letting your husband dictate what you can or cannot keep? Is he the boss of you?

Tell him to get stuffed, it's reasonable to keep a few things and these can always be further pared down over the years.

I could definitely ’win’ this and put the things somewhere in the house but it won’t change the fact that this is how he feels about these things.

But that's his problem. It's not about winning. It's about him learning that there's going to be some stuff in the house that he wouldn't have chosen to keep. Why are you looking after his feelings so much at the expense of your own? You're saying they have to go to make him happy, but why can't they stay to make you happy?

You should put them all back in the boxes that you bought and the special paper that you bought but put them somewhere that is not obvious to him - so in children's bedrooms - until he gets over whatever problem he has with this. Don't put them in a bin bag!!!

Why didn't you put your foot down and keep them. Your husband sounds awful. But grow a backbone.

Why do you have to compromise? You've been compromising your entire marriage with your husband throwing everything away.

You wanted to make something special. It's yours and your children's. It's none of your husband's business if you want to do this. You don't need his permission. He has no right to destroy what you've made or your children's belongings.

@Kitkat189 - please consider reassembling the collections of items, even if you don’t put them in the special boxes. These things matter to you and to your children, and discarding them sends a message to your children that their memories and feelings don’t matter.

Your dh needs to understand that he cannot hurt you or the children by insisting that their and your precious things get thrown away. It is as much your home and the children’s home as it is his, and you all have equal rights to keep the things that matter to you.