Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

This is what I was trying to get at.

There is no need to compromise here. That he's forcing you to (or that you're choosing to based solely on his opinion) points to something being wrong in the relationship.

Tell him to fuck off , it’s your home too and store them where you want to

I’d be binning things he wanted to keep how awful

I suggest packing him away in a box and dumping him at the local tip.

You don't recognise this at the moment but this is a clear indicator of how he views your importance.

Your wants and needs are not as important as his, you being upset about his lack of nostagia is part and parcel of this man's selfishness, his lack of sentiment and his entitlement are wrapped up together.

If you want to keep this stuff then keep it. In a nice box as you were planning to, put them somewhere safe where preferably he won’t find them, just incase, and let him chuck out his own stuff if he wants to. He has no right to get rid of any of your things. No way would I be allowing my partner to get rid of any of my stuff, certainly not my children’s memory boxes with their baby things in.

Honestly, why are you being so accepting of this? Stand up for yourself a bit.

You're not being unreasonable wanting to keep these bits but just laying down and doing what you're told is. Who cares if he doesn't think these thing are important, you do, so go repack it and put it back where it was. They're your kids too. It's your house too. Stop being so weak.

I haven't been able to read all of the updates yet but I read this whilst at work earlier and it almost made me cry. I have this image in my mind of you taking these beautiful boxes apart and having to put things into bin bags.

I hope you are okay.

I wonder why his opinion has bothered you so much. Do you feel on some level he values himself and his things more than the children and theirs? In any case keep the boxes, pack the things up nicely again, and tell him if he loves you and the children he will accept that this really matters to you and shut up about it. I want my children to have their memories too and have kept similar things for them. I loved looking at my baby book with my hair etc in when I was a child.

And I agree with @RJ2023 it made me feel tearful too - these things matter. Ignore your stupid DH and restore your boxes!

"Your opinion is not the only one that matters and just because you say no doesn't mean it's a no".

Then I'd put his horrible fucking knickknacks and his mother's paintings with a giant papier mache middle finger effigy on a bonfire and set the bloody thing ablaze in front of him.

He thinks he's more important than you or what you want.
Get over him. He is awful awful awful.

I agree, challenge him on this and ask why. It's not just illogical it's selfish. So long as you aren't cluttering the house like a hoarder a few boxes are not unreasonable, especially if your children are getting into it by adding a few items too.

Maybe the kids won't want this stuff as adults but at least give them the choice. Don't back down on this.

I have virtually no childhood mementoes, not even many baby & early childhood photos, as we had to leave suddenly due to serious DV and go into a refuge. My father then in a fit of fury got rid of nearly everything of hers and ours including our toys and baby stuff. I think he burned a lot. 😧Maybe if Mum had been able to keep some stuff for us, I would have decluttered it eventually but I never got that option.

Why are you letting him dictate this!! What the hell!! I’d be getting those boxes back and putting everything back in them and keeping everything! Are you actually going to let him do this for you and your children???? Tbis is absolutely mental! I’ve got all what you said bar the Christening gown and hair as she’s had neither yet but I’ve got 3 boxes one of scans hospital bits and then I’ve got 95% of all my daughters small outfits and that’s the way it’s staying. I wash them regularly. You’ve got to get it back I’m absolutely gob smacked at the fact you’ve pulled them apart

It doesn't matter how HE feels about these memories. It only matters how YOU and your DC feel. Thinking he needs to "approve" and validate everything you do is quite strange, tbh.

Either he is very controlling, and you don't wish to acknowledge it, or you two have an unhealthy relationship with each other.

When my mum died I kept numbers things that were reminded me of her
I was a very young adult
But I realised these things were really un important and were just holding me stuck in the past.
I gradually started to unload these things, and move forward with my life.

Same with the kids stuff.
I kept them for me, for a little while.
as they grow, they change , as we all do.

All gone now

Instead new stuff and new memories.

Grandchildren arrive
Life goes on.

Stop minimising your own feelings and wants for his. You want to keep it so keep
it. They are your children you birthed them and their things

@TammyJones but why can’t she keep a box of hospital bands first outfits pictures etc/scans hair locks? What’s the probelm that is totally different it’s a happy memory positive you’ve just given birth and Carried your child for 9 months you bought these things and you were given them so why not keep them to look back on with your child when they grow. It’s not like keeping dead peoples things like yeah my dads bene dead 3 years wasn’t really around I kept stuff and just 2 weeks ago got rid of it all because he was negative in my life.

It wasn't like that with my mum.
I loved her very much.
Her coat was a memory of her going out in it smelling of lovely perfume
It was the very last thing to go.
I never told my dad I'd let it go.

My point was it's just stuff, and life is for living- now.

I kept all my kids school reports
Over the years I maybe peaked at then once or twice , but they were in a big box and just taking up space.

I read a fantastic book about clearing out the old to make room in your life for new stuff.

I had a lot of sentimental value items and I have binned most of it. It has helped, made my life easier BUT…

I did it when I was ready to let it go, not when someone forced me to do it even if that broke my heart.

Telling this woman to let go is as stupid and insensitive as the husband asking her to bin her lovingly prepared memory boxes.

@TammyJones what would you have put in that space that would've held the memory box?

What did taking up space with those bits change?

Something that I would use

It’s just stuff to you

its not just stuff to the OP and on this thread what’s what counts

And nobody should be encouraging a woman to give in to an emotionally abusive, controlling man who thinks he should be allowed his sentimental items but she, and their children, shouldn’t.

The bigger picture is important and shouldn’t be ignored.

Who made him God of everything?
You keep whatever you want!

Keep them, take them out of the bags, put them back in the boxes, get some of his sentimental things and put them in a bin bag and say to him if I can’t store some precious things from when our dc were babies then your sentimental mementoes go in the bin now, I will take them out to the outside bin myself. It is not ok for you to be allowed things that are important to you but I am not, and I’m also upset that having some memories of our children is so important to you. Right now I feel like you don’t love either me or them, and certainly you don’t care about my feelings so I’m very upset. You can put your own things away, since I’ll be carefully packing our baby things back. I’m allowed to have feelings.

you should get angry here. Please keep your babies’ things!

Yeah pack the boxes back up and put your foot down. Try not to let him tarnish the box for you- it's your kids and your journey as a mother more than his disinterest as a father.

I have a book for each of my kids. No way I would get rid of them. My parents have a box for each of their kids and we are well into our 30s and 40s. They are not clutter they are memories. He should be grateful photos are digital now I grew up with a book case full of all the family photo albums 😂

@TammyJones I don’t see how you can just see your childrens things as “just stuff”… a baby wrist band scan photos first outfits. Isn’t just stuff. It’s beautiful memories keepsakes which don’t take up much room in a box. Your talking like you’d want to forget your child’s birth or what they’d once worn or something like that. It isn’t just things. It’s the beginning of your child’s life.

plus you are actually still living in the now even with a box of your child’s baby memories in a room or stored somewhere safe. Ops partner has no reason for this to be the case to me it feels like he just wants to hurt her and make her do something she don’t want. My partner would be out the door before any box to do with my babies first things/belongings.

id understand your point if we were on about furniture. Old clothes that we haven’t worn in a year.. toys they haven’t played with in a while etc but not a baby wrist band scan lock of hair etc. that’s where your opinion and point and her husband cross the line.