Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

Your question of why he’s like this will only come from him. And only if you’re prepared to ask and hear his response. What if you ask him: 1. what’s the difference between how you feel about your mum’s stuff and how me and the children feel about their stuff? 2. what do you think is important to me/the children? 3. Why do you want to be rid of my / the children’s stuff? Give him space to explain it. Will be interesting to understand if it’s all about priorities (his), inability to see other’s perspective or simply he doesn’t care.

Ah sorry, your eldest is 13. Teenager. Therefore old enough to have and keep the box somewhere in her room or wardrobe. Job done.

Artwork - photos/digital frame - pick out one you love above all else to frame. Or you do a washing line on kitchen wall/ peg the artwork up as it comes back then do the one in - one out rule.

You made such a lovely gift for your children and your husband should respect that. I would have loved that, as it is I keep everything I want to from my childhood.

I agree you need to keep the boxes and contents together if they make you and your children happy and you'd like them for the future.

I would reinstate everything without telling him and ask another family member (from your side, not his) to store them in their loft or spare room. Otherwise it's too big a risk - he's likely to throw everything on another occasion, maybe without telling you.

Sorry if this isn’t possible for some reason. I haven't RTFT as the situation made me so cross on your behalf - and eager to reply!

Now you’ve started on the “but he’s a good father!!” I’m out. Why would you allow your kids to be treated like this?

"DH I understand that you do not want to keep sentimental items for our children, but I ery much do. I am making keepsake boxes for them and they will stay here."

If he's as decent as you say he is absolutely none of the above will be a problem

@Kitkat189 has he actually said he doesn’t want you to keep them or that you should do this or are you simply react8ng to him not liking them. Because the first is wrong and definitely on him. The second (which I think is the truth) is your issue.

the fact he doesn’t like them doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t. Surely this is the onky th8ng one of you likes and the other doesnt

Nothing has to be got rid unless you want it to. Make the boxes and keep them safe for your DC’s.

He’s an ass OP. DP is hugely sentimental and I’m not at all but I’d never go out my way to kill his buzz like that. We just have an agreement that he keeps his stuff contained.

That's really mean of him. I agree you need to just say "I'm doing it anyway as it's important to me and the kids".

In terms of why he's doing it (not as an excuse): Were/are his family hoarders? Does he have a fear of becoming a hoarder and overwhelmed with stuff? Just wondering.

I’m a chucker and not a hoarder, I hate having lots of stuff. But even I’ve got 3 boxes of kids stuff - 1 for each kid. First shoes, little clothes I loved them in, a few bits from school when they were little. I also kept some books they loved having read to them so they can read them to any kids they have. I merrily chucked everything else.

He’s a dick. Put them back in the boxes you bought now. Or get a friend to save them

Perhaps he hates the reminder that they're growing up? I always feel a pang when I look at photos, I don't take them myself, and just keep a small number of the ones people send me. I feel tied down by reminders of the past and then it's really upsetting if you do lose the things you've kept, so it's better not to keep them at all.

Oh, for crying out loud. Tell him to stop being such a prick. Put everything back together for dc. If your "dh" protests tell him to get therapy for his obvious childhood issues and not to bring it up or interfere again.

@Kitkat189 - I believe you when you say that he's not normally controlling.
I also understand when you mention that it's tarnished the memory of this lovely activity you did with the children.

However, you should genuinely recreate them now.
Do not throw things away.
Do not put things in a bin bag.
Do not capitulate.

Recreate the beautiful boxes.
You will change how you feel about them. In years to come you will be devastated that you backed down on this.
Stand your ground.
Set a great example to your children that some things are worth fighting for.

Quickly re-pack those special items back in their boxes. This is not about your husband - it's about your children! He sounds mean spirited but don't let him rule the roost on this - even your daughter was excited by this and was adding to her box - it's a special thing to do. I imagine that one day your children will be so grateful that you did this for them and will cherish the thought and care that went into making up theses boxes of special memories but even if they don't , well ... that's for them to decide and recycle the contents. Please go with your own instincts on this. It's a lovely thing to do - don't let him decide. x

But that's your choice would you throw out something your partner cherished?

But the thing is, he's not entitled to 'put his foot down'. This is a marriage, not a dictatorship. If you want to keep something precious to you, you should be able to do so. If he wants to keep something precious to him, he should be able to do so. Obviously 'hoarding' is a different matter and you should keep these things in 'your space'. I wouldn't be happy if DH put his 'saved stuff' in my closet or piled it around the house. But if he wants to fill up his side of the closet and his cupboards with his stuff, so be it. No skin off my nose.

And this may be 'one topic' but I'm sure it's not one isolated incident. There have probably been other, even minor, things that you tossed when you'd rather have held on to it, simply to avoid his being angry/upset.

It could be that he has a 'fear' of hoarding, but I doubt it since he keeps his own shit. It seems to me that he is 'making a point' (even if only to himself) that he is 'in control' or can make you do what he wants, even if only in this one issue.

This with bells on.

Exactly this ^

He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

No, IMO you're wrong here, and this is the only part of your post I'd say that about...and by that I'm meaning you thought all he could/should say was "I would never have bought those boxes"

Infact all he had to say was nothing...just walk by and keep his thoughts to himself.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you collecting little lifetime memories for your DC and keeping them together in nice boxes, a shoe box isn't going to take up much space.

Honestly this isn't even worth him or you giving a second thought to.
I'd pop it all back in them boxes and let him know that this is one argument that isn't even going to get off the ground cause it's not up for discussion and you don't need his permission to keep a few reminders of your DC growing up.

He may not see any point in keeping the items and that's fine, but his opinion shouldn't outweigh the fact that these things mean alot to you and the DC.

I wonder if he's had experience of someone in his family who was a hoarder and has anxiety about stuff building up that isn't going to be used. Obv if it's important to you he should recognise that and make space for it but that's quite a strong reaction.

Your husband is a controlling cunt. I’d keep the memory boxes over him.

im 65 now. Did the whole memory box thing for kids when they left home. But they are 30s now and despite downsizing they were still with me. Packed away
theyre still not of age when they need to treasure and look back at those things.

I had to be honest I did it for ME not them.
sure I’ll pass on when I pass on- and maybe they’ll be more interested

BUT, when I realised that it was for ME not them, and thought what the point of keeping them if they’re packed away in boxin hard to reach places. I should be looking at them now, enjoying those memories

so I got the boxes , unpacked and distributed the items into places I could easily access. I put their school stories and pictures into albums and put on book case. I put their baby items like wrist tag and teeth in a little box that sits in my sock drawer, I see it every time I get low on socks. Those reminders are there, living with me, being looked at …not stuffed away in attic or on top of wardrobe to collect dust

as far as him throwing memories out. He doesn’t get a say frankly as long as you’re not hoarding

one thing you can think of is taking photos of items and keeping that instead of actual item. That works brilliantly for art works, school books, etc etc and even some of the surplus soft toys. Be mindful about the physical items you keep . They’re the ones that you want to feel, touch, smell or just see texture of.

but he is not the boss of you. Spread the, out, and keep looking at them for YOU

I don't understand why my husband keeps half the stuff he does, but I let him have it.

I'm pretty unsentimental but I'll admit I've seen it is nice what's come out of MIL hoarding all manner of childhood stuff. I keep stuff from MIL because she will absolutely remember everything she gave us if she's still around if our kids (or SIL) have kids. 😆

Please stand your ground on this.
My mum died two years ago and I love knowing that I have a box of 'treasures' that she kept from when I was a baby, I get a warm feeling of connection when I look at them.
I've kept a small leather suitcase of similar items for my own daughter in the hope that she'll feel the same about them when I'm gone.
It's a lovely thing you're doing x