Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

Tbf I can sort of understand his point -my parents kept loads of sentimental stuff from my childhood and happily handed it all over when I got my own house. I went through as much as possible but felt guilty throwing lots of it away so have kept some -but really it doesn't mean much to me. Obviously it doesn't really mean much to my kids either but when I die they are going to go through it and inevitably chuck almost all of it (which is fine!) but themselves will probably feel guilty about doing so! So that's two generations of either keeping random stuff or feeling bad about throwing it away.

That's not to say that you're wrong for wanting to keep it just that some people don't feel the same way. For me things like my baby teeth, a christening plaque, old drawings, first shoes don't mean anything or have any sentimental value to me because I was too young to remember having them in the first place!

The only part that was unreasonable is you taking the stuff out of the boxes and letting it either get chucked or shoved I a bin bag just because he said so. If you want to keep them he doesn't get to override your view - it sounds like in terms of space you actually have more than you started with because of the clear out so he's not now at a disadvantage, however if he's really that bothered and they honestly are just small boxes make room for them in your or your dcs wardrobes or whatever and agree to disagree about whether they are "worth" keeping.

Take the sentimentality out of it -I'm sure if you were allowed to do a full blitz there would be random things of his you don't think are worth keeping (old football shirts, random tools or gadgets that have never been used) and stuff he would think the same about for you (clothes you haven't worn, an excess of smellies/make up) - sorry to give such stereotypically gendered examples but just as an idea! But ultimately you share the house and the space so neither of you get to overrule the other if there is the odd, comparatively small and inoffensive thing one wants to keep.

comparatively small and inoffensive thing one wants to keep.

The big thing in this situation is that it isn't just the OP that wants to keep them.

She and the children have made these boxes.

Yes, the children's interest will likely increase and wane multiple times over the years, but currently he feels his wishes trump everyone elses.

Not remotely the same as the OP hoarding things to hand over when the children are adults.

If you have got the space do whatever you want to do with the boxes just accept that sentimentality is in the eye of the beholder.

it is ok for your husband to look at these things and feel nothing. I have nothing sentimental in my house and I look at my parents house thinking that all of their sentimental stuff is just crap for me to deal with when they die. I would suggest asking your children if they want the boxes and go from there.

You do NOT have to compromise. You want to keep the stuff, the kids do too. Don’t be feeble - hold the line.

Put the stuff back in the nice boxes, don’t chuck the clothes and keep what you want.

He is NOT the boss of you, come on now!

You are being unreasonable to subject your children to this abuse!

Hang on. He didn't even tell you to unpack them? Just that he wouldn't have "wasted money" on them?
So you've just cut off your nose to spite your face, haven't you.
The boxes and ribbons are all bought, unpacking them will make your children feel sad. Is this just so you can be angry at your DH, in a "look what you made me do" sort of way?
Enjoy your boxes. If your DH doesn't like it, tell him it's your equivalent of his grandfather's mementos.
After describing the children's art work in the bin, you need to have a think about how they are feeling about what you're doing now (stropping).

REPACK THE BOXES NOW

Tell him that you and the DC want to keep them. He doesn't have to be 'interested' in them - you can't force him - but he does not get to tell you what is meaningful and worthy of keeping to you.

Fuck that OP. Stop being so passive and repack the boxes!!!!

It's rather maddening isn't it. And makes me think there are layers/levels to this. The rather odd preoccupation with compromise is disconcerting, somehow, but I can't put my finger on why.

This man is abusive.

What he has done is appalling.

Why did you let him do this? This isn't for him to dictate. Stand up to him!

Hang on. He didn't even tell you to unpack them? Just that he wouldn't have "wasted money" on them?

Yes, thats right !

Your children's bedrooms are your children's. Souls they want to keep a memory box of all of THEIR items from north then they should absolutely be allowed to do so. In their rooms. You also have a room and should be able to keep anything at ask that you want within reason in your own drawers etc.

I personally think your DH is threatened by the body you have with your children as he doesn't understand why he never had that with his own mother. He's not emotionally developed enough to be classed as a whole person, not if he can't even begin to understand why you all may want to keep these things. Because he doesn't overages does he? It's not like he says "I can see why you are attached to it but I prefer a clutter free house". He actively wants to get rid of this stuff even though he knows he is causing you pain. And that, well, that IS abusive

Get that stuff back in the boxes and tell him to get lost. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Why does it matter what he would or wouldn’t do in regards to making these boxes? You and your children have made them without him because you all wanted to and now you get to decide what to do with them, not him.

I have a box with my little boys scan pictures, first sleepsuit, some more tiny little clothes than I wanted to keep, a newborn nappy, his tiny little hand and footprints and a couple of his favourite baby toys 😊 I’ve also kept his cord clip. I have a shadowbox frame on the wall in the living room that I made with his hat from the hospital, his hospital bracelet, one of the little feeding syringes that I fed him my milk from in the first few days, his hand and footprints and a photo of him as a newborn 🥰 I’m also getting a keepsake bear made from some of his newborn clothes that I like and remember him wearing and I’ve saved his first Christmas/Easter/Halloween clothes that I plan to get another bear made from at some point. There is absolutely no reason for you not to keep this stuff! They are special moments and memories that you are allowed to hold onto forever and feel absolutely no guilt about it 💕

Why are your throwing out these boxes just because he has an issue? It sounds a lovely idea and there is no reason for you to undo something because he doesn't like it. Why have you given in?

Who made him lord and ruler?

I buy stuff for my kid or my kid gives me stuff then its ours (me and that child) to decide what no one else.

If DH buys our kids stuff then its up to them (him and the child).

Also the fact you gave in, are you ok? Is he nice to you in general?

Having read your other posts, OP, please please please do not compromise or throw things out. You have more than compromised throwing out outfits and artworks etc over the years - these were the few things you could keep.

Your children want these boxes. You want these boxes. It is a lovely idea and will show your children how loved they were.
Please re pack these boxes with everything you want in and put them somewhere.
Stop letting your husband bully you - and please stand up for yourself. I know you are saying this is one thing but quite honestly, if you are throwing out things you care about because of him (after doing so for years already), you need to really assess if you are in an abusive marriage because it doesn't sound healthy and like you might not realise how submissive you may have become. If you kept the boxes, would he have made horrible comments, been angry or scared you?

Every couple will have things they don't like and they find ways to deal with it, they don't force their spouse to throw things out and don't trample on their ideas.

Please don't give in to this and make up your boxes. Worst case scenario, ask if a family member can look after them for you or put them in the kids rooms.

Why don’t you stop him? Are you always a complete walk over?

That! He doesn't have to feel anything about them, because they're not for him
Does he want everything throwing out that isn't important to him, when there are other people living there?

How old are your kids?

He's not unreasonable in that some (not all) adult kids get given their school reports, first teeth/hair etc and think wtf.
One man's sentiment is another man's tat.
I started a tradition of buying a bauble for DD each Xmas - she really wasn't that fussed about having 18 of them to take with her. Some of us are sentimental, some of us are practical.

What is weird is your need to have him validate your idea. You want to do it, it brings you something, do it! You don't need his approval and it's not tarnished just because he wouldn't do it.

I have a memory box for each of my kids, containing their first outfits, christening gowns, first lock of hair etc.
I also have a memory box of my own containing stuff that is sentimental and memorable to me. It's a bloody big box too.
My husband wouldn't dream of interfering with them, he knows how important they are to me.
That's called being respectful of my wishes and possessions.
Your husband is being neither towards yours or you.
Box them all back up and put them in the loft.
Then get him told straight!

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

So he emptied them or you rolled over?
If he emptied them, YANBU.
If you emptied them, despite the passive voice used here, YABU.
The boxes aren't big, why couldn't they just both have gone under the kids' beds intact?

Please don’t throw any of it out. You’ve already gone through some of it with your DD and she’s obviously happy with what’s in there so as long as you have the space then it should all be kept.

Definitely do this. Just because your husband feels a certain way about it doesn't mean your kids won't appreciate it when they're adults, or even after you're gone. It's a connection to you as much as anything else for them.

Do not throw the clothes out as a compromise, keep everything you wanted to including the boxes, it's hardly like you're filling the house up with crap, it's one box each. He can suck it up

I have similar for myself and all the kids (we have 5 so it's a fair amount) my DH rolls his eyes a bit because he's much less sentimental than me but he wouldn't dream of trying to make me throw it away. It would actually make me reconsider our relationship if he did.