Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

I promise this is just one (very odd) piece of the puzzle here - that’s why I am so mystified by it. I totally accept that anyone on this thread won’t believe me but he is a good father, he loves to spend time with them and gives up a lot financially and time wise to support them and their interests. Looking at this particular issue I can see how he would come across as a domineering tyrant who has to have his way but he is normally pretty easygoing. It’s this one topic where be put his foot down. It’s not a high stakes issue so it’s always baffled me

I'd be over the moon if my mum had kept all the stuff from my first days.

I have two ( largest boxes) for my daughters at my house ( they are 39 and 31 and left home years ago) .. they have things from birth in.. even their umbilical cord clip. Three items of work from each school. Things they made. School photos.. their first pair of clarks shoes.. First baby grow...First lock of hair etc etc.. they know they are there for when I'm no longer here.. along with my own memory box and my funeral plan ( all paid for) . Plus some of my own Mums things .. They can decide if they want to keep them or not.
You should definitely keep them.. just because your husband isn't keen .. doesn't mean you have to do what he says.

WHY HAVE YOU GIVEN IN??????

put the boxes back together and stand your ground! How lovely. Now I feel bad I haven't kept anything.

I think it's clear from this thread that these things mean a lot to many mothers.

Just tell him that you are keeping the boxes and that if he gets rid of anything behind your back you'll chuck out some of the crap he is sentimental about like his mother's horrible paintings.

It absolutely is a high stakes issue for you and potentially your children too! And I don't really care what he's like about everything else - he is being extremely controlling and domineering about this. I do not understand why you seem to think you must go along with what he's dictated.

Ask him?

Put them back in their boxes @Kitkat189 if you still have them. I imagine they might even still fit under a bed or something. He doesn't get to tell you how to keep things. If they were massive maybe, but they're not. x

I just don’t understand why you were bullied into submission.

What a shame you can’t stand up to him.

I understand why you are upset. I would be too. I think it’s important for you to do things and be happy with it because YOU want to do them and it makes you happy. Just be responsible for your own feelings and responses and try not to need affirming from DH when something matters to you. It is enough that it does though understandable that you want him to share these feelings. I agree with PP that maybe it’s because it was a time when you were centre stage though so he doesn’t place the same value in it, but he could have a bit of empathy.

Please get your precious bundles back together and find somewhere else to store them. I would definitely be really annoyed if DH put stuff in myspaces without asking so I get that bit. Have you got a loft, airing cupboard, spare kitchen unit, space in DC’s rooms instead? Please don’t give inon this as it sounds as though it really matters to you.

Voted YABU because you're being an absolute wet wipe. Your husband prioritizes his own shit over anyone else's because he is selfish. And you're an enabler.
Put the stuff back in the boxes and tell him to do one.

You want him to be appreciative of the thought and care you put into making up the boxes, even if it's not something he would do. It was cruel of him to rubbish something that was important to you. You can't keep all your children's artwork and certificates for ever but I think you should keep some, for as long as you/they want (eventually replacing some with newer items). Does he not see the hypocrisy in binning his children's artwork but expecting to give house room to his mother's paintings?

Yeah, this doesn't really help me like him better. Sorry. He's not a hero because he cares for his own children. That's just basic parenting. You don't have to be sooooooo grateful to him for being a competent father, that you allow yourself to be walked on. He doesn't care for baby keepsakes and doesn't see them as important. That doesn't mean they are NOT important. It means they are not important to HIM. They are important to you and that is absolutely enough reason why they should take up space in YOUR home. Also, you tied this stuff up with ribbons, so clearly it was important to you.

To me this would be a dealbreaker. He puts his foot down? So do you. Why does he get to have veto power over this issue? To me, this is about being a mother and him refusing to respect it because it differs from being a father and he sees his values as a father as being the default. You're just the woman doing icky feminine stuff that is clearly frivolous and lesser because it's not big, important man stuff like what he values.

Yes do. For gods sake, WHY does the clothing have to go? You're actually going to get rid of the christening gowns and your daughters leavers shirt?? In the nicest way possible please stand up for yourself and your dc.. All you need to do is gather the clothes up and put them away. Why haven't you just put it all back in the boxes? Why was it so difficult to have said hours ago, "No I'm keeping it but I'll move the boxes"?

I voted you are unreasonable because you are taking notice of what he wants. I’m sorry but he is controlling. Your children are going to be the disappointed ones. Their wishes should trump his.

@Kitkat189 - there is absolutely nothing wrong with these things meaning a lot to you. Your dh is entitled to his opinion and his feelings about sentimental stuff - but you are too! And just because his opinion is different to yours doesn’t make him right and you wrong - and he should respect this. You can respect his opinion by making sure these things are stored out of his sight, but he should care enough about your feelings and the children’s feelings to stop making you feel bad about this.

This is controlling behaviour, maybe not across the whole of your interactions, relationship etc, but it is controlling on this one facet. Especially as he keeps sentimental items from his past.

Yes - he's tarnished a lovely thing you did for your children. And I would tell him 2 things

1. That you're keeping the boxes for your children
2. That his attempt to tarnish the experience will not prevail

stand firm - he's trying to bully you and that's not on

No, you don't have to and you definitely shouldn't. KEEP THEM.

I bet your kids know that their dad doesn't care about their sentimental items, and may read all sorts into that - and I bet they worry that you won't stand up for them either.

I'm pregnant and it's triggered my mum to dig out the few sentimental things she kept from my babyhood - I'm so glad she kept them and so is she. One day that'll be you and your kids. (And if your husband doesn't like it he can go for a long walk in the rain while you look through them)

That's very easily explained. His inherited furniture and knickknacks are important to him, therefore they are important.

The other sentimental things are not important to him, therefore they are smiply not important.

It takes a very cold man to be so readily willing to discard items your wife and your children have made clear they wish to keep.

This is controlling in a way that many would consider emotionally abusive - he is trying to bin special things that you and the children strongly wish to keep. Because he thinks his wish not to keep them is considerably more important than your multiple wishes to keep them.

And despite the fact he gets enjoyment from inherited things he thinks he should get to deprive your children of things they wish to keep and get enjoyment from in similar ways in the future. Selfish and controlling.

I don't understand why you're letting his feelings trump yours. OK so he doesn't see the point. That's fair enough but it doesn't mean you have to do what he says. Pack the boxes back up & put them in the bottom of your wardrobe or something but keep them

Stop letting him dictate to you this way.

I'd quietly call him out. Why are his 'mementos' important but the children's, and your feelings, not?

Wait for his answer.

I have just looked out the family baby shawl for my sister. She is due at the beginning of the year. I had it because I have already had the babies.
Both my kids have a box with a few sentimental things, first outfit they wore, first shoes, certificates etc.
I have stuff from my own childhood. My kids have enjoyed looking through their own boxes and even taking the mick out of the dodgy 70s clothes in my one. It is the only link to my own childhood as I don't have my own parents any longer.
You definitely shouldn't get rid of the stuff. He doesn't need to agree or understand. It is your house too.

You say that he is not controlling, but from an outside point of view he totally is. You don't have to obey him or "get over this". His opinion is not written in the scriptures. Put the things back in the boxes, and keep them as long as you want.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings exactly this

Just because your husband is nice to his kids doesn’t mean he’s not an arse. Keeping the boxes means a lot to you, it’s a small sacrifice for him, and yet he won’t allow you to do something that makes you happy. He’d rather see you sad. The fact that you capitulated so readily OP suggests that you’re scared of him. This is no way to live.