Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

My husband is the exact opposite. The spare rooms are full of stuff that he won't chuck away.

My advice is to be assertive, put everything back in their boxes and politely but firmly tell him they are staying there: end of !. Some things are worth standing your ground on and if this is important to you then he's just going to have to learn to live with it.

As a grown man, he should be able to handle that but if he can't then there is plenty of self-help advice on the Interweb to steer him through a mental crisis.

Tell him fresh air and an apology works !.

Keep the clothes as well. It's not like you are keeping a whole wardrobe's worth (trying not to think about all the DC's stuff we have in our loft!)

I know you are saying he is not controlling, but have a long hard think about what else you have had to compromise on (maybe without really realising it) to keep the peace

1. Stop being a spineless martyr.
2. It's no great mystery, your husband is self-referenced. Only his things matter.

These aren't just your memories, they are your children's too. What right does he have to dictate what you should do. I love looking back at things from growing up as both my parents died when I was fairly young and memories and "things" are all I have.

@Kitkat189

My mum was also an 'unsentimentalist' in her younger years. She didn't even keep her wedding dress. It wasn't a bridal gown, just a very smart dress and hat from the 1940s. She kept none of our baby clothes or special items. Not because she didn't care about us, just that she was never the type to be attached to 'things'. I will say that she really regretted it in her 'elder years' and wished she'd hung on to more and let us (her children) decide if we wanted those items or not. But it is what it is. But the difference between my mum and your DH is that he seems to value and keep his own 'stuff', whereas Mum didn't. And Mum certainly didn't order me to get rid of special things when I was young, nor did she order Dad to get rid of his sentimental items.

My 1st reaction would be to tell him to get stuffed. But I wouldn't store anything in 'his space' (his closet/wardrobe/etc). I'd put the things, clothing included, back in the special boxes and find somewhere for it. If the boxes are about the size of a shoe box they should fit under a bed, back of a wardrobe, loft corner, somewhere. I'd divide the items into 2 smaller boxes if I had to. Is there someone who can store the boxes for you?

But here's the most important point. It's pretty obvious that your DH considers himself to be 'more important' than you and his own children. I'd be reevaluating the relationship as a whole if I were you.

You don’t need to get over this you need to stand up for yourself and get the boxes back! Who died and made him god of all things? What a twat.

Why don’t you suggest you get rid of something he wants to keep instead? Unless you’re one of those people who keep all manner of crap and access your front door via a tunnel of old copies of readers digest (i.e. this is the last straw) there is no excuse for his behaviour.

I have kept items for my daughter in a special box, even her first little picture she drew. My husband could say mass I would take no notice of him. Let him sit bitter in a corner. You and your kids want it, it hurts no one and is something that when years go by you will look on fondly. I have my cot and pram sheets and blankets, used them for my daughter and some other items. He can do one.

Back of the garage door? Particularly if it's an up and over...😁

He is not controlling! This is oddly the one specific issue he seems to feel strongly about.

What's the intention behind it though.

Something to remember that was predominantly you, giving birth, a time whereby you were centre field.

He wants that memory scrubbed. He's minimising your memories, your memories are not important.

I bet he keeps his own shit, trophies, sports stuff, hobby stuff.

What does he keep that you could do without. ?

You absolutely must put the boxes back together.

it’s okay you have different views. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about their childhood. Some people just don’t hold sentiment in objects. Others do. So it’s okay for you not to see eye to eye on this, but you need to explain to him why you feel this way, that you acknowledge he doesn’t agree, but this is a non negotiable. He needs to appreciate your view is valid too.

I assume he’s typically quite minimalistic or might be stressed by existing clutter - can you make adjustments on your side to keep less other things?

my mum is VERY sentimental, transferred all of that on to me growing up, and it’s meant I now struggle to throw things out. I feel really stressed when I want to clear things but suddenly the emotional attachment takes over. So it might be good for your kids if they see you being more ruthless in other areas, to balance things.

He can't make you get rid of them,tell him to fuck off.

Not what you asked but fwiw your children won't be interested once they are adults.
I learned after clearing elderly relatives homes that those things have sentimental value only for you, their mother. Keep them for yourself by all means but not for the children.
My DC are adults and I know for sure they won't want that box I have with their first shoes, baby tooth, favourite teddy etc.

Why does there need to be more compromise - what do your children think do they want to keep them

@Pippu really. My 20 somethings have been fascinated.

It was one thing at the start of the thread to not realise you were being controlled. But to read all the responses and still not realise it? I'm sorry op, but I'm reading your responses and my thoughts are that 'I really really hope I've done enough to teach my daughters to not be like the op.'

@DancingDangerously Maybe it shouldn’t mean this much to either of us, maybe I’m getting overly attached to these things. To everyone who has suggested I grow a backbone etc - my eldest is 13 so I have stood my ground for over a decade when it comes to some of these things but I guess it all came to a head yesterday when he was so dismissive about something I spent ages putting together. He doesn’t get why I’m upset - he says I didn’t make the actual box so why would I care that he thinks it’s redundant or ugly or whatever; these things have no meaning to him, it’s a net negative that they take up space at all, and so on. He doesn’t get that the sum total of the boxes , the items, and the time I spent selecting, cleaning and wrapping them, is different to the value of their parts.

I don’t know why j care what he thinks, I just know that for some reason it really upset me.

He is NBU to look at these mementos as rubbish.

He is NBU to say he finds the boxes are too big/get in the way and you discuss and compromise together where they can be conveniently stored (bottom of wardrobe, loft).

He is BVU to tell you to get rid of the boxes.

You're treating him like lord and master, he's acting like lord and master!

You need to change the way you act and he will change the way he acts.

How fucking dare he dictate you undo all the work you've done?

What makes you seem his approval? He doesn't seem worried the other way round!

Of course the clothing doesn't have to go in the name of compromise!

I'd totally agree if you were talking about a huge or very expensive item but these are small keepsakes that you are putting aside for your children. Who cares of your H agrees. You do this because it is important to you and likely will be very lovely for your kids. Just do what you were going to do, put the boxes away with all the keepsakes (including the few bits of baby clothing) and he never need comment further.

I would feel differently if you were looking to keep piles of old kids clothes but most people keep a favorite babygrow, first shoes, primary school top or tie etc.. The fact that your kid asked to keep their primary top means you totally should.

You don't have to compromise on EVERYTHING you know - yes for the big things but for small things that don't hurt the other person you can just do what you want and they can live with it.

I should pack everything back up again and find a place to store them - but something which was meant to be lovely and positive feels tarnished now. That’s my problem I guess. I need to think about the children and just do it for them

I think you need to delve a little deeper into what kind of relationship this is.

Exactly! Who the hell is he to deprive OP and the children of these mementos?

Frankly he sounds sociopathic to me. Can you access any sort of counseling for yourself? I think you are seriously underestimating the sickness at work here, on his part. Was he on board with having the children in the first place?

Of course you do. These are their things. It isn't about your husband.

They are not his items to do anything with. They belong to your children. Not his business.

Keep them and bin him. I’m sure you can find somewhere to keep them