It's my loss too.....

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for options on my situation with relationship with my Mum. I am one of three siblings and have sister and brother. Sister and I had children around about the same time. I have never been very close to my Mum, she was pretty awful to sister and I in teens but became closer in 20's and then again when we had kids in 30's. She was supportive with grandkids initially however made it clear she was there to be a fun gran and spoil them and was not up for any regular childcare (absolutely her prerogative and no hard feelings about that) and would only have one grandchild at a time (from a sibling group) so she could give them her undivided attention.

Fast forward a few years and after my sister and I completed our family's my brother (always been the golden child) went on to have kids and low and behold all the boundaries she had in place went out the window and she is all of a sudden quite happy to do regular child care for him and has taken his kids together from baby/toddler stage.

Her attitude towards his family is night and day compared to ours and she is willing to go above and beyond to help him in any way she can but will continually put obstacles in the way any time I (very rarely) ask for a bit of help with something important. She has made it clear (for my sister and I) that they are our kids and we shouldn't be asking anyone else for help. All family gatherings are spent with her entertaining my brother's kids while ours are more or less ignored.

She thinks it's ridiculous when my sister and I spend any time away from our families for the odd weekend away and has no problem expressing this despite her opinion despite not being asked for it and never asking her to help out with childcare. Yet when my brother and SIL do the same age thinks it's great they are getting a break.

I feel so sad when I hear how close my friends are to their Mums and how they see them all the time. I have tried to include my Mum in our family life loads over the years (by spending time with us as a family, not just wanting help) and it's always met with reluctance and (sometimes ridiculous) excuses. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship over the years, regularly host the family gatherings such a Christmas, helped her a lot when she has broken bones and not been able to drive etc. When I talk to my friends about it they are all very sympathetic and say it's her loss but I very much feel it's my loss as well as I would love a great relationship with my Mum.

I have tried to talk to her a couple of times over the years but she completely denies any if it. I have accepted the situation for what it is now but struggling not to become bitter about it.

Is it because she has very traditional views around gender and assumes that you and sister being women should shoulder all the childcare responsibilities but brother is being helped as he's male?
Just guessing here.

Sadly I don't think there's much you can do. Are your DP parents in the picture at all? Because if so I'd suggest focusing on grandparent relationships elsewhere if possible and just accept that your mum will never be your bestie or support network. Could you and your sis be this help to each other ?

Have you ever told her how it makes you feel, it might not be a bad idea to actually address it directly

OP has literally said that she tried to talk to her Mum about it!

Your brother is the golden child, its that simple.

You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel bitter about it. I cannot understand why any parent treats their children so differently.

You sound like you have actually been very level headed about it, but can I ask, is it obvious to your children that they are being treated like second class citizens? If so, I would consider gradually cutting out contact for their sake. They need to know that you would always put them (and indeed yourself) first and would never accept poor treatment from anyone that ought to love them unreservedly.

If I didn't know better I'd swear you were my cousin. So I will say what I wish I could say to her... She's treated you poorly. Your whole life. You and your sister run around after her being lovely and are the best children anyone could hope for, your children are brilliant and I'm sorry. There will be a hole because there should be an equal, loving relationship there.

She's got an awful view of her children and should have parented better. But you can rewrite that for your children.

Have a big hug. And I NEVER give those out on here.

Yeah my MIL is amazing and luckily she makes up for my Mum's absence in a massive way and we all have a fantastic relationship with her. I feel guilty as she is always our go to person and is so happy to help out when she can and will bend over backwards to support us. My kids love her but of course my Mum is the Gran that they want to see as because on the odd occasion she does she them outwith a family gathering she is spoiling them rotten as she generally only will have one at a time. My poor MIL picks up the kids from school when we are at work so does the daily routine stuff with all of them. Although at some point I am sure my kids will realise this and I take every opportunity I can to drum into them how amazing my MIL is for looking after them so they don't need to go to after school care etc.

My sister and I are very close and help each other out with the kids when we can. She lives half an hour away though so not handy enough to pop in here and there.

I appreciate the unfairness but why would you want someone who was awful to you growing up, being a caregiver to your own children?

I would be concerned she was awful to them as well as they got older and wouldn’t allow her to play a main role in their care, e.g overnight stays or childcare.

My children have never mentioned it, which I find odd as the kids go to the same school so see their Gran picking up their cousins every week and not them. I never say anything about it in front of them as I am glad they haven't picked up on it. I guess they just accept it for what it is and they probably don't remember a time it wasn't this way. My nephew is very aware though sadly and feels very let down.

Is your dad still in the picture? What does he think about it?

I agree that it's unfair but I also think that you probably can't change it. It must be hurtful to actively see her putting your nibling above your children. I'm sorry for you and the kids.

Fast forward a couple of decades from now when she is expecting her children's help as she ages.
Let's hope Golden boy rolls his sleeves up 🤨

I don't for a minute think that she would ever be bad to them. It's almost like she was so strict with us (again sister and I, not brother) that she is enjoying being able to spoil them so much/have no rules when she does occasionally see them.

I would pull back. Stop toturing yourself she isn’t going to change.
Don’t have her for Christmas, let golden child host her.
Soon your dcs will start to question her unfair behaviour, they just don’t realise how odd it is now.
Start to withdraw from her, it will make you feel better.
It’s her loss in the end.

@Purpleturtle45 hmmmm that could change though if she provided proper childcare like after school pick ups or spent more time with them.

If she had it in her to be awful to her own children she has it in her to be awful to yours too.

I know exactly how you feel OP, I am in a very similar situation (except I’m an only child) so no compare to other kids. But it’s all about her, her friends, etc etc. we have never had a good relationship and I’ve always felt she comes first. Since I’ve had children I’ve seen more how I felt her parenting was strange and wrong. I have had therapy and gradually accepted the situation for what it is (although it will never be ok). My mil is great, I used to try and cultivate the same relationship with my children with my mother but have realised I can’t force it. She wants to buy them stuff and chat on her terms but that’s it. In the last year my son has been life threateningly sick on 3 occasions, I could have really some with some practical and emotional support. Yet nothing- any phone calls consisted of how her back was sore today, how she’s had a falling it with someone, and so sad she was she couldn’t visit the baby cuz he was sick. It was then I realised it wasn’t going to change. I keep a ‘bland’ relationship now- a quick call/ cup of tea here and there. I wish it was different, but have stopped breaking my neck to make it so and accepted how it is and am more settled in that feeling. Sending hugs

He is separated from my Mum. He lives away but visits regularly and is happy to help out when he is here.

Not having a "mum", in the way that most people interpret the word, is a huge loss and you will feel grief. Having it rubbed in that she can "mother" and "grandparent", just not for you or your children, is painful.

So sorry to read this, my mum is the same to me and my sister's children. And a doting grandma to my brother's child. So hurtful but she won't change. I had counselling a few years ago and now see her once or twice a year - she doesn't seem to have noticed and a weight has been lifted. My sister keeps trying but is repeatedly hurt. My children are older teens now and have no attachment to their maternal grandma. On the other hand, my MIL (who is wonderful) has been unwell recently and has been treated like a queen by me, my husband and her grandchildren. Enjoy your fantastic MIL and it sounds like you've broken the cycle for your children. Sending love, it's hard to have a toxic mother.

Ah, OP, this is hard to deal with.

If you haven't had any therapy-type help, it might be worth it. Your mum sounds very damaging.

I would begin the journey of seeing her for what she is, distancing from her and protecting your children from the very likely hurt they'll face as they disappoint her in some way in the future.

Exactly as @MrsZebra5 said 💕

I thought my sister might have written this until I saw the broken bones bit, and that's not us. Our mother was very angry with us a lot of the time too. We've both had quite a lot of therapy. It's helped us. You may find the stately homes thread useful. Good luck. It's a very difficult situation to navigate over a whole life.

I have put a lot of effort into our relationship over the years, regularly host the family gatherings such a Christmas, helped her a lot when she has broken bones and not been able to drive etc.

I would stop doing all this.

Let her have her golden child and golden grandchildren.

Stop including your mum in your family gatherings, she doesn’t deserve to be there.

Stop helping her when she’s sick, tell her to get golden child to help and drive her around.

She's not going to change. You don't need her. You have a strong and loving female adult to turn to in your sister.

Expend your emotional energy on your own family.

If there's an inheritance, make sure you're included. Job done.

It is what it is. It's not unheard of to find this kind of favouritism in families though it's usually denied. I don't think I would be as keen to help out in the future. I would not stop contact but I certainly wouldn't make a big effort when she has this attitude to you.