It's my loss too.....

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for options on my situation with relationship with my Mum. I am one of three siblings and have sister and brother. Sister and I had children around about the same time. I have never been very close to my Mum, she was pretty awful to sister and I in teens but became closer in 20's and then again when we had kids in 30's. She was supportive with grandkids initially however made it clear she was there to be a fun gran and spoil them and was not up for any regular childcare (absolutely her prerogative and no hard feelings about that) and would only have one grandchild at a time (from a sibling group) so she could give them her undivided attention.

Fast forward a few years and after my sister and I completed our family's my brother (always been the golden child) went on to have kids and low and behold all the boundaries she had in place went out the window and she is all of a sudden quite happy to do regular child care for him and has taken his kids together from baby/toddler stage.

Her attitude towards his family is night and day compared to ours and she is willing to go above and beyond to help him in any way she can but will continually put obstacles in the way any time I (very rarely) ask for a bit of help with something important. She has made it clear (for my sister and I) that they are our kids and we shouldn't be asking anyone else for help. All family gatherings are spent with her entertaining my brother's kids while ours are more or less ignored.

She thinks it's ridiculous when my sister and I spend any time away from our families for the odd weekend away and has no problem expressing this despite her opinion despite not being asked for it and never asking her to help out with childcare. Yet when my brother and SIL do the same age thinks it's great they are getting a break.

I feel so sad when I hear how close my friends are to their Mums and how they see them all the time. I have tried to include my Mum in our family life loads over the years (by spending time with us as a family, not just wanting help) and it's always met with reluctance and (sometimes ridiculous) excuses. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship over the years, regularly host the family gatherings such a Christmas, helped her a lot when she has broken bones and not been able to drive etc. When I talk to my friends about it they are all very sympathetic and say it's her loss but I very much feel it's my loss as well as I would love a great relationship with my Mum.

I have tried to talk to her a couple of times over the years but she completely denies any if it. I have accepted the situation for what it is now but struggling not to become bitter about it.

Just thinking of your mil collecting your children. Sounds very supportive but does she have dds who are not being supported as much. You are gaining by your mil choosing to support her sons family. Sometimes that's easier as you don't have the baggage you have with your own mother.
I would just accept your mom is who she is and as others have said plan accordingly. Sometimes we can have this fantasy of what a mother is to us as adults but it's best to actually deal with the reality as it causes less pain and constant disappointment. She won't change but you can. Let your brother be the one who cares for her in her old age!

OP the problem is that you have tried to engage with her about being a shit Mum. She isn’t going to voluntarily go there.

However, that doesn’t mean you have to accept her narrative or give her an easy ride about it.
” I see you have prioritised X again, as he’s more important to you, and it doesn’t bother you that I am upset.”
”Do not ask me to deny what I can see with my own eyes. I am not prepared to pretend I can’t see the choices you make, and I will draw my own conclusions as to why you do that without asking your permission.”
and the very powerful “Well, we’ll have to agree to differ on that. I’m capable of making my own mind up.”
You could even say “We both know you’re comfortable lying to me and [sis], but can you at least stop lying to yourself”

I would also make the comment to your brother and SIL.

Finally, and to hep you have compassion for your mother, maybe she fears ‘losing’ your brother to your SIL and her side of the family, so feels compelled to work hard against that, especially if she feels that her bond to her daughters is secure (enough).

I wouldn't try and address it with her. She won't change. As others say you need to start to distance yourself from her.

If you don't, I've seen quite a few posts on here over the years where it's expected by everyone in the family that the non golden child(ren) look after their parent in old age. Because the golden child is too important and caring is 'women's work '. And they get nothing but abuse for it while the golden child gets loads of praise for visiting for an hour twice a year. And they end up with a load of resentment and realising after years and years and years that whatever they do, their efforts won't make their mum change her feelings towards them

From now on when your DM wants something or wants looking after she can get your DB to do it. She has actively favored him so I would let them get on with it.

I know its upsetting. My DM never once babysat or had my DS on her own. You want them to want to but it just doesn't happen.

I wish I'd had one of those kind, capable mums who helps out with things too, OP. It is your loss as well as her loss.

Every time you feel let down and disappointed, remember to be proud of your own fair parenting achievements. It’s easy to repeat what you have been taught growing up. It’s much harder to identify the issue and make a change in family dynamics for the next generation. If you are a great, supportive loving mum yourself then take comfort in that.

Easy. You decide now you are not helping with brown bones and like fuck will you be caring for her when old. Brother can do it. She will expect you to do it. Don’t.

of course it’s your loss at not having what others have when it’s rubbed in your face. I would pull back contact

I could’ve wrote this. It’ll never change OP. It’s sad but it is what it is.

You have my sympathy.
Your situation is uncannily similar to mine. One sister, one brother, he is the golden child. We all have kids and she would do anything for his.
However, I wouldn't want my kids to stay with her, nor would they want to.
If your mother is like mine, she is toxic, will never admit she is wrong, will play the victim if you try to confront her.

I understand what you are saying when you say that it is your loss too.
We must mourn the idea of a loving, caring mother.
Personally, I am very low contact, as she only brings misery to my life.

I am much happier now that I have made the decision to stop trying to understand her, and to avoid her as much as possible.

My Nan is like this. My Dad has 4 brothers and the two youngest are the golden children. My Dad is the eldest.
My cousin's from the youngest 2 uncles are treated so nicely, myself, my siblings and the other cousins (children of the eldest uncles) are ignored by my Nan or we've had to spend years trying to jump through hoops to try and please her. When I was younger she was outwardly more affectionate towards the youngest cousins in front of me. It's so painful/hurtful. I've finally gone NC for about a year or so and it's been so freeing moving away from someone so toxic.

I am honestly not sure I would allow unsupervised contact.

1. Your nephew is already feeling let down by the grandmother he loves favouring his cousins. I would not want that for my children.
2. What will she say to your DC? What would she do if they may end up being rambunctious or hard to handle?

I would also be worried about your mother associating your DC with you (especially if there are some similarities in behaviour, interests and or appearance) and falling into old patterns.

This!

It’s shit but this is who she is. Some parents have a favourites and the other siblings just have to crack on.

If I were you I’d stop flogging a dead horse and move on. Find lovely people to surround your kids with. I was much closer to godparents and family friends than I was to my surviving grandmother who was a bit of an old boot.

She isn’t going to change so don’t waste your time.

I would not be allowing my children one on one time with her- god knows what she’s doing to damage the sibling relationship among your own children.

Stop being available to help her. Let your brother do it.

I for one wouldn’t be helping her out any more in e.g. broken bone scenarios. Let Golden Boy step up. And when he fails to, is ‘too busy’ etc…..

But I’m so sorry you have all this sadness, OP. My mother was good in many ways but I certainly didn’t have that lovely mother/daughter relationship that many seem to. I certainly would never have asked her to look after dds when they were little - without needing words she made it plain that it just wasn’t on.

I have tried very hard to be a different sort of mother and granny to my own.

To be honest, I'd think carefully about a planned slow ghosting/low contact with your 'd'M and get on with your life happy.

Given this may be linked to traditional views on gender roles, I wonder who she'll want to rely on if she needs help or care as she ages....

Yeah I get this. It's not about childcare it's about a lack of relationship with my children. I don't want her to have to reign her lifestyle in to look after them but maybe taking them out for a walk would be nice. I feel really sad when I go to soft play and see a daughter hanging out with her mum having a coffee while the children play because that would just never happen. My MIL lives a few hours away but texts DS every couple of days on his ipad and he runs home from school to see what she's said and reply to her. It's not hard to show grandchildren that you are interested in them.

I really feel for you as it must seem very disheartening.

My gentle advice is just stop. I used to make loads of effort with my dad's family and mums family. Then get upset when they never responded in kind. One day I just quit. No more handmade cards, no more suggestions of visits. I let them come to me. They don't and I'm ok with that.

It's been even harder since I had DD, and it's upset me they don't even want to see her or engage much. But I've got friends and a support network away from my family. That gave me the strength to give up the relationships.

It's not easy. I still get jealous when my respective parent families talk about my golden child brother, but I work really hard at letting it go.

Wishing you luck xx

My poor MIL picks up the kids from school when we are at work so does the daily routine stuff with all of them. Although at some point I am sure my kids will realise this and I take every opportunity I can to drum into them how amazing my MIL is for looking after them so they don't need to go to after school care etc.

Does your FIL help with your children, OP? Aren't you doing to your MIL what your mother has done to you? Exploited you for help and support because she's female, while the men get treated differently?

I don't understand how you can complain on one hand about your mum expecting you to help her while you are asking a huge amount of your MIL — and moaning that your mother isn't prepared to be a drudge like her.

I am always so surprised on MN how so many posters do not realise just how much child observe and take in, without ever saying a word.

Your mother is not kind and loving.
She wasn't to you and she certainly isn't to your children.
Yet you are desperate for her involvement.

Your MIL is a huge blessing and you are so lucky to have her.
She is daily care for your children after school which is a huge contribution and commitment.

Your mother is all about herself.
One of those awful women who like to see their daughters struggle but their golden boy can do no wrong.

Get some counselling for yourself so that you can build the resilience to protect your children from her and her divisiveness.

There is no way in hell I would allow my children be witness to such golden child bullshit.
It remains with some children for a lifetime, whilst others will be less bothered.
I would stop chasing your mother, invest in your father and sister and leave your mother to her golden child completely.

The dynamics you describe are not unusual at all and I have come across it numerous times over the years.

In my experience golden sons become very skittish when elder care becomes an issue and THEN start contacting their sisters that they will need THEM to sort their parents needs, despite THEM living closer by.

I know of several cases where daughters and their families, that were surplus to requirements for many years, have not stepped in to save the day.

The expectation that daughters/sisters will suddenly appear and organise everything when golden boys family have been their parents clear priority for years, has not materialised, and was a source of outrage from golden boy, and surprise from parents.

Wise parents avoid the golden child dynamics.

Step back. Let db be her Go To person when she needs anything..

@billy1966 , I would just say that although my brother (the only boy with 3 sisters) was always the Golden Boy’ *, it wasn’t his fault. He’s always been a lovely bloke, and certainly did his share when needed, after Dm developed dementia.
*My mother would have denied to her dying day that she ever had a favourite, but it was all too obvious.

Please STOP making an effort with her.

As harsh as it sounds your mum is never going to like you any more than she does. It doesn't matter what you do to include her or please her. Take a step back. Stop contacting her. Let her wonder why you aren't in touch so much. Focus on the good things that you have. A good relationship with your sister and a lovely MIL. When you take control of the situation and realise that nothing you do will change her opinion then you will be able to accept it more.

This.

I see it in a few families sadly.
Never seen the dynamics ever change.