It's my loss too.....

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for options on my situation with relationship with my Mum. I am one of three siblings and have sister and brother. Sister and I had children around about the same time. I have never been very close to my Mum, she was pretty awful to sister and I in teens but became closer in 20's and then again when we had kids in 30's. She was supportive with grandkids initially however made it clear she was there to be a fun gran and spoil them and was not up for any regular childcare (absolutely her prerogative and no hard feelings about that) and would only have one grandchild at a time (from a sibling group) so she could give them her undivided attention.

Fast forward a few years and after my sister and I completed our family's my brother (always been the golden child) went on to have kids and low and behold all the boundaries she had in place went out the window and she is all of a sudden quite happy to do regular child care for him and has taken his kids together from baby/toddler stage.

Her attitude towards his family is night and day compared to ours and she is willing to go above and beyond to help him in any way she can but will continually put obstacles in the way any time I (very rarely) ask for a bit of help with something important. She has made it clear (for my sister and I) that they are our kids and we shouldn't be asking anyone else for help. All family gatherings are spent with her entertaining my brother's kids while ours are more or less ignored.

She thinks it's ridiculous when my sister and I spend any time away from our families for the odd weekend away and has no problem expressing this despite her opinion despite not being asked for it and never asking her to help out with childcare. Yet when my brother and SIL do the same age thinks it's great they are getting a break.

I feel so sad when I hear how close my friends are to their Mums and how they see them all the time. I have tried to include my Mum in our family life loads over the years (by spending time with us as a family, not just wanting help) and it's always met with reluctance and (sometimes ridiculous) excuses. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship over the years, regularly host the family gatherings such a Christmas, helped her a lot when she has broken bones and not been able to drive etc. When I talk to my friends about it they are all very sympathetic and say it's her loss but I very much feel it's my loss as well as I would love a great relationship with my Mum.

I have tried to talk to her a couple of times over the years but she completely denies any if it. I have accepted the situation for what it is now but struggling not to become bitter about it.

Yeah on more than one occasion but she is in complete denial even though it's back and white. When we bring it up she never validates our feelings and instead acts like we are being entitled princesses!

Yes she is, she has a lot of free time.

I've had same when I've brought it up- to point I was told I should be grateful for childcare and I said what childcare as hadn't apparently realised it was all DN and not my DC ever.

IME they won't change and they don't want to discuss it/acknowledge it- so you just have to change how you deal with it - for me that's trying not to think about it.

Yup - my Mum certainly had selective memory and was in denial and insisted that she had treated all her gc/dc the same whenever I brought it up. Incredible! I gave up discussing with her. Although now, I feel no guilt or remorse when she asks for help now, and use the same excuses she used with me and tell her to ask my sister instead. Although my Mum will always have an excuse why sister can't do it and that surely I can? I stand firm and the only way i can do this to remind myself how hurt I felt over her unfair treatment and that was the reason for me taking several steps back.

Interestingly, my sister has not stepped up to help my Mum now and will constantly moan about it. I have great pleasure in reminding her that it is the least she can do after all my Mum did for her. In that way I have found it incredibly freeing and allows me to focus on my own family and reminded me how divisive it is to favour one child over another.

In particular, the idea that working class men have had any privilege or control over their lives for most of human history is clearly ludicrous to me.

Not so ludicrous is the idea that working class men still have had more privilege and control over their lives than working class women. That being exactly how patriarchy works, @UnRavellingFast

The problem isn’t that her mother is doing nothing for her- but that it stings when your mother proudly does nothing for you, then can’t do enough for the child she likes, and tops it off by lying to your face that there’s any difference in how you are being treated.

Or do you think that’s nothing for OP to notice much less comment on.

The Mumsnet community on this thread has reflected precisely what this forum is all about, women supporting women - even if we don't agree. Honoured to be a part of this organic team.

Is this correct, Your mother collects your brothers children from school.... the same school your children attend ?

Yes that's right.

It is of course a loss for you too- you haven’t got the mum you should have and you see your brother having. Whilst you cannot change who she is or her actions you can absolutely “grieve” for the relationship you wish you had with your mum even though you are highly unlikely to ever have that relationship

personally I would stop hosting Christmas etc and wouldn’t be involving her in my plans or trying to include her in your plans. I would also shield your children as much as possible from seeing how she favours her sons children over yours and your sisters

Thanks all for taking the time to post and for the supportive comments. It's shocking to see how many woman are in the same position. We need to break the cycle for our own children.

As a Granny myself I'm totally shocked.

How can she justify her actions.
Your poor children.

Well your brother will be able to do the elderly care in future. You can be fun daughter and not help, just see her socially.

Brother golden child.
MIL has narcissistic personality disorder.
Look it up and laugh, otherwise you'll cry.
They all do the exact same things, it'll enlighten u and help u deal with her ways

This is me and my Dad, except the golden grandchild is a STEP grandchild. It's so bad I've unfollowed them all on social media because it's painful to see him being the world's best Grandad to the SGS but he's never been like that with my 4! I totally understand why you're so hurt. I try not to let in bother me, just enjoy my own little family but it does hurt. Big hugs x

Step back. Break patterns, enjoy close relationship with your sister. See if can keep relationship going with golden child. I wanted my parents to admit it to me by using examples of things sib had done (end result there think I hate them - I don't). Finally admitted "we can't speak to sibling name as we speak to you as we would lose a child". 2 weeks later Mum phones begging for forgiveness saying never would have treated me like this if known I had cancer. My heart broke and I told her loved her of course forgiven....hopeful". 4 days later cut me off, and my family. Dad says has to go along with it. Sib silent so.........if able too just ignore and let GC manage. Families always have a GC and sadly they don't realise how this can damage their children's relationships. You sound like a great sister. BW

Does your mum constantly talk about your brother, how amazing he is and what a great dad he is? If so, next time, reply “I’m sure he is and I’m sure he appreciates all you do for him, but I’d appreciate if we could end this conversation now as I don’t feel you think the same of me”

I know exactly how you feel op. You are certainly not alone. There is always “trauma” attached to this kind of relationship as no matter how old we get, we still yearn for our parents approval even if they weren’t very nice to us as children. It doesn’t matter what you do now as you cannot change your mother and she will never admit to being wrong or treating you different to other siblings. The only thing you can do is work on yourself and perhaps get some counselling so you see it clearly for what it is. There is a feeling of loss I know but you don’t need someone who treats you like this in your life or your children’s. At least you won’t treat your children this way and have broken the cycle. Like others have said, I would do less with her but still allow your kids to have a relationship with her without any judgement from you. If she makes the effort with them, they could have a close relationship. If not, they won’t. Focus all your efforts on your own family and simply be pleasant with her and show her, she has no affect on you now. Whichever way you choose to run your home is right and as an adult you can do whatever you like, even if that means having a break without kids. Don’t let her opinions drag you down and treat whatever she says like water off a ducks back. When she makes comments simply tell her times have changed and what we do works for us, with a big twinkly smile. Just don’t engage in anything that brings you down emotionally. Sorry for the long post but I am working through a similar thing myself.

Show her your post! It’s true, from your heart and reflects how you really feel!!

Your brother is her favourite
stop putting yourself out for her!

What a lovely kind-hearted thing to say. So nice to read and I’m sure it’s spot on.

So true. It’s so painful, I don’t think any amount of time or therapy really heals that wound, it really makes me feel like
the worst person in the world, having a Mum
that doesn’t want to be part of my life. Or my childrens’. I feel like the most inadequate unlovable human.

therapists tell me it is her not me. But it’s the worst.

In OP’s situation going no/low contact might be best

I agree OP. Very similar to my ‘family’ too, the stately homes thread is an amazing lifeline.

I agree the pain is always, always there.

In my case it’s both parents in different ways, divorced now and different favourites. I wouldn’t wish my situation on my worst enemy, spent years blocking everything until I got really really sick.

Your therapist sounds exactly like mine.

@cloverleafy So painfully true xx