It's my loss too.....

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for options on my situation with relationship with my Mum. I am one of three siblings and have sister and brother. Sister and I had children around about the same time. I have never been very close to my Mum, she was pretty awful to sister and I in teens but became closer in 20's and then again when we had kids in 30's. She was supportive with grandkids initially however made it clear she was there to be a fun gran and spoil them and was not up for any regular childcare (absolutely her prerogative and no hard feelings about that) and would only have one grandchild at a time (from a sibling group) so she could give them her undivided attention.

Fast forward a few years and after my sister and I completed our family's my brother (always been the golden child) went on to have kids and low and behold all the boundaries she had in place went out the window and she is all of a sudden quite happy to do regular child care for him and has taken his kids together from baby/toddler stage.

Her attitude towards his family is night and day compared to ours and she is willing to go above and beyond to help him in any way she can but will continually put obstacles in the way any time I (very rarely) ask for a bit of help with something important. She has made it clear (for my sister and I) that they are our kids and we shouldn't be asking anyone else for help. All family gatherings are spent with her entertaining my brother's kids while ours are more or less ignored.

She thinks it's ridiculous when my sister and I spend any time away from our families for the odd weekend away and has no problem expressing this despite her opinion despite not being asked for it and never asking her to help out with childcare. Yet when my brother and SIL do the same age thinks it's great they are getting a break.

I feel so sad when I hear how close my friends are to their Mums and how they see them all the time. I have tried to include my Mum in our family life loads over the years (by spending time with us as a family, not just wanting help) and it's always met with reluctance and (sometimes ridiculous) excuses. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship over the years, regularly host the family gatherings such a Christmas, helped her a lot when she has broken bones and not been able to drive etc. When I talk to my friends about it they are all very sympathetic and say it's her loss but I very much feel it's my loss as well as I would love a great relationship with my Mum.

I have tried to talk to her a couple of times over the years but she completely denies any if it. I have accepted the situation for what it is now but struggling not to become bitter about it.

I get you. My Mum was like this with my dc but actively favoured and helped my sister (golden child). When I called my Mum out on this and even begged her to have a closer relationship with my dc and spend time with them, she just denied it and trotted out a lot of flimsy excuses. As a result I pulled back and let her spend her time and energy where she wanted to. It was her choice. It hurts and there is nothing you can do about it.

My DC are now all teens and early twenties. We all have next to no relationship with her. AS my Mum ages however, now she wants help and company. I simply direct all her requests and care to my sis. As the saying goes, 'you reap what you sow'.

I cannot believe you would have your childrens faces rubbed in this unfairness on Christmas day, by hosting her.

What an association and memory your children will have of the Christmas holiday.
Awful.

Can you not see the damage it has done to YOUR self esteem that you keep begging for scraps by hosting Christmas despite how she treats your children?
Rushing to be carer when she needs it?

Wake up OP.
Put your own pain aside and think about the damage she is doing to the other grandchildren.

Posters have spelt out the long term damage it has done to them.

Is that really what you want for your children?

As for your poor nephew, that is so sad that you can see clearly the affect it is having on him.

Talk to his parents and help them to see the damage being done to their precious, sensitive little boy.

Grey rock as she will always be in your life.
It's cruel treatment, toxic even.
Look after yourself, avoid ruminating about her actions and when you find yourself going down that rabbit hole, find a boring, repetitive activity to deflect your attention. Chopping veg, running etc

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I voted YABU because I think you need to accept the situation as it is and focus on what you do have, a loving father and sister and great in-laws too. That’s a lot more than some of us have. (In my case all grand/parents and one sibling deceased. Other sibling lives overseas.)

Yes, it would be great if your mum was more like some other mums, but whatever you do for her, she’s unlikely to change because she doesn’t want to. Your mum is perfectly happy with how things are between you.

For your own sanity, when you start to feel hard done by, remind yourself of the serenity prayer.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

You have actually got lots of family support so remind yourself this whenever you’re feeling hard done by and give your MIL a big hug when you see her next! She sounds wonderful.

Also, stop hosting your mum at Christmas. Only invite the people who are truly generous.

That's a lovely thing, but in my experience an exception, as golden boys tend to have been reared to think their needs and comforts come first ahead of womens.

Your brother sounds lovely.

It is unsurprising that your mother denied it though.

The parents involved are often quite deluded on that point.

OP you are an amazing person. These are just the circumstances, easy to say but it's not your fault. It's not fair. You love yourself and treat yourself when you can. You deserve it, just because your mum can't see it. It's her loss. Mumsnet community got you looked after here 💌

I am not expecting anything of my MIL, she loves picking the kids up and playing an active role in their lives. She likes the routine and it's something for her to look forward to. She isn't with my FIL, my husband doesn't have a relationship with him. We also give a lot in return and she knows how appreciated and loved she is by us all.

Is your mum now retired? Makes a big difference in how much grandparents feel willing to do

I am now close to 60. My mother was exactly the same. My eldest brother’s children were baby sat. She moved to be closer to them to help with before and after school care. She wouldn’t have my kids. She was abusive to me and one of my brothers growing up and my eldest and younger brother were favoured. Now she has served her purpose to my older brother, and his children are adults, he is resentful of the fact that I don’t involve myself in my 87 year old mother’s care and has the burden of looking after her. I’ve spent years protecting myself from the rejection and favouritism and I’m not going to be guilted into having to pick up the burden now

I think she knows you and your sister will continue to facilitate a relationship between her and her grandchildren with not much effort on her part because that's what women usually do. Men - not so much. If she doesn't make the effort and offer childcare she may not get to see that grandchild as much. She is probably thinking that DIL will just invest her energies in developing relationships between her own parents and the child and that's why she has to push herself in there.

Oh OP, your hurt and bewilderment at your mother's behaviour comes across loud and clear, and it's shameful that she makes you feel like this. I totally understand the grief this triggers - knowing that the relationship you feel you should have with your mum simply isn't your reality.

My situation is a little similar. I'm my dad's only child, and yet he still manages to have a golden child that isn't me. While he may say the right things at times, his actions show the exact opposite, even to the point where he is getting married in a month's time and has chosen to go abroad with his partner and her adult son and his girlfriend, but there was no invitation for us to join them, though they did invite other friends.

There's no getting away from it - it hurts, and I think it always will. I have spent years grieving for the relationship I wish I had, and it hurts that he's not the grandfather I'd hoped he might be. I can't imagine the pain your mother causes by behaving so very differently to your brother and his family. It is totally unacceptable.

It's all too easy to tell you to stop caring, pull back, and do less, but the reality is it's hard. But, in my case, it has honestly helped. I have chosen to focus time and energy on the relationships (friends and family) that genuinely lift me and make me feel good, and he is now more distant. As a result, he has a little less power and causes a little less hurt. I still see him, but on my terms and when and how it suits me, and this has helped enormously.

It sounds like you and your sister have each other for support, which is amazing. This type of upset can make you feel very alone, but the fact you have each other and understand completely what you're both feeling is enormous so lean into that. Try not to exposure your children to this and start pulling back, little by little, so you see her less and her grip on you will get smaller, I promise.

Most importantly, remember, this isn't up to you to fix. By inviting her to things, involving her, hosting Christmas and being there for her whenever she needs you, you're indirectly telling her that her behaviour is just fine. She doesn't deserve this, and while it will be hard, maybe it's time to stop being so warm, kind and inviting. Let her reach out if and when she wants or needs to. Let her take on some of the responsibility for your relationship, she's got away with not bothering for long enough.

Sending you love, I know how painful it is, but redirect all that love into your own four walls - they love and adore you so you'll get it back in spades.

I think she knows you and your sister will continue to facilitate a relationship between her and her grandchildren with not much effort on her part because that's what women usually do

This is a fair point - she doesn’t need to make an effort as you are doing all of it.

I think the best solution to this is to focus on the good relationships you do have with your sister and you MIL and try to find acceptance that you just won't have that relationship with your own mum, rather than eternally grieving what you don't have. You know it will never change, yes it's unfair, yes it feels unjust but it is not going to change. Finding true acceptance and letting her get on with it will set you free from all this upset and it won't matter so much or feel as hurtful x

It’s very hard to deal with…and you’re right to frame as a Loss. have you looked at the grief pathway? I know it’s not a loss as in a death, but it is a form of rejection and that pathway may help to make sense of how your feeling at each phase of accepting this eventually.

always remeber this is about her, not you or your sister.

Another thing maybe to throw into pot of why she does this. I’m a mum of sons, no GC (probably 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣). But it’s likely if they did have kids that their partners would, reasonably, spend more time with her mum than me. A lot of women do that, particularly through baby stage when frankly you sometime need your own mum as a new mum. Does your mum feel she is in “competition” with your brothers PIL to gain his and his children’s time and attention. In which case this may be a driver for her to become indispensable to him and his wife, so that they depend on her, and she gets more attention than PIL as result.

im not saying that’s an excuse. But in many ways she already knows she can “abuse” your relationship yet you’ll forgive her and restore the relationship. So she simply doesn’t have to try to make a fort or put herself out with you. I don’t know the answer to that, my Dad rejected me for years and now I’m running around after him now he needs care- sometimes our need to be accepted and approved of by our parents has us being jerked around emotionally , whereas with anyone else you’d have said “piss off” to. parenteral bonding runs very deep even when it’s not in our own best interests. Like many abusive relationships.

Take a look at the contrast, has your brother always been less bothered about a relationship and acceptance by mum? If so, that’s a threat to her, and one where she’ll have done the running and it could be perceived that’s he’s the golden child. He is, because he is simply less bothered about his relationship with his mum. Many men have a priority list of love- sometimes even explicitly stated (wife, kids, mum and dad, siblings in that order), and your mum may be acutely aware she has been supplanted by his wife/partner and kids and she had to do the running.

Your ‘mother’ is a total failure to you and your sister. I’m glad you’re close.

Does your brother see the vast differences in how you’re treated? I suspect he is wilfully blind.

I’d walk away. She’s no mother and you’ve tried more than enough.

I could have written your message. There is only me and my brother but the treatment from my mum is the same as your experience. My dad died 20 years ago. My brother is her golden child and his children are doted on. Their lives are held up as the beacon of marvellousness and I am criticised daily. Be warned, my children are now grown up and she attempts to drive many wedges between me and my daughter.
I chose to just ignore the behaviour and continue as normal. We take her out for meals, take her on holiday etc.

My mother is a shit Nana and mother too. It's horrible. I'm 32 and don't know if I will ever come to terms with not having the mother I want/need. My 3 sisters feel the same. None of us have a relationship with our fathers either, as my mum's major skill was having babies with abusive men.

I'm really lucky that my MIL is a textbook Grandma. She does so much with our kiddos, including my DD who isn't even biologically her grandchild. Treasure your MIL.

I'm sorry OP, I wish I had something better than "me too" to offer you. DBT therapy has helped me process some of the feelings around my parent's myriad shortcomings, have you looked into any kind of MH support?

@Purpleturtle45

Sounds like good old fashioned misogyny to me. I'm probably going to get flamed for saying this (as a man) but I think a certain group of older women are the biggest torch bearers for a lot of the misogyny we still have in society. Yes, as a man I certainly benefit from it, but it always seems to be the older women at work who are complaining about people on maternity leave; grandmothers helping their sons with kids more than their daughters; being jealous rather than encouraging of younger women's careers etc.

Admittedly grandfathers should be held to the same standard and aren't all that much better at embracing equality either though.

Dealing with a comparable situation, except my MIL has just taken it to the point of finding an excuse to reduce the inheritance of the 3 unfavoured to give the 2 favoured more.

I don't know if there's a solution, but as they say you can only change what you do, not anyone else. So I think invest your time and effort into people who will appreciate and reciprocate, whether they're family or not. And more importantly, make sure you're breaking the cycle and not treating your own kids differently to each other, because it gets even more toxic the further down it continues.

Good for you.

Several years ago my friends brother told the family his marriage was over, at his instigation.

He had been married 20 years. The family were deeply shocked as they really liked his lovely wife and adored his two teenagers.

Turns out she was the non favoured daughter with a golden brother, and had spent huge energy over the years chasing her mothers affection, whilst her mother was fully consumed by her brothers family only.

Anyway what precipitated the split was her mother now needed some care, golden boy was saying he was far too busy to be involved, and it looked like there would be years of it ahead and his wife intended to provide it.

Her husband said he had enough, and if he was going to be a single parent while she prioritised her awful mother, then they might as well make it official.

She was very shocked but it was her childrens anger and upset that had the biggest impact on her, as they made it very clear that they wanted to live with their father not her if the marriage ended.

Things were very rocky for a good while and they had family therapy.

Her mother and brother had to sort themselves out as she was desperately trying to save her relationship with her children and her marriage.

She didn’t step back completely from her mother, but the pent up resentment that her husband and children clearly had was sobering and was a much needed wake up call for her.

It must be hard on spouses and children to see their other half/parent, chasing a relationship with someone who doesn't value them the same way.

Children are very observant in my experience.
They may not always have the language, but they know.

I’m the eldest of three, sister and brother being the youngest. He’s always been the golden child too even though he speaks unkindly to my mum. He doesn’t have any kids but I’ve no doubt they would be the favourites and get all the help and attention if he did. She only hosted my children once a year in the summer holidays. I’m spoken to as if I’m still a child. I’ve decided to keep contact to a minimum from now on for my own mental health. There’s no point regretting how the relationship could have been because it won’t change.

Do remember that Goldendick won’t want to do or be expected to do elder care…

Sounds like your Mum is very traditional gender wise OP.

As she is likely in her 60s or 70s I would cut her a bit of slack for that as that was her environment growing up.

That’s a very unfair situation OP and of course you feel the loss. Sad to see how common this is in the replies. It’s not as bad as what you have described but I have a very emotionally absent father and while people deal with far worse things I still am aware of the loving relationships many people have with their dads as something missing from my own life. The game playeyness of your mother is more than an absence though, it’s an active unfairness towards you.

I know you know this, but your friends aren’t saying that you shouldn’t feel a loss, but that they think you are a wonderful person who she should appreciate more than she does. I’m sure if you want the people around you to understand more you can tell them more about the hurt, although you might need to indicate that’s what you want - ‘I could do with a vent’ or something so that they know not to try and immediately problem solve it for you!

Not sure if this is an unhelpful dramaey thing to say but I noticed that the one person justifying this is referring to a situation more specific than the one described as she says ‘pair’. Not suggesting that means it is the actual mother of OP but does at least seem to be talking about her own behaviour in an identical scenario.

I had my children many years before my brothers and sisters and my Mum has always been really clear that she wasn't going to be childcare. I was fine with that and spent a small fortune on nursery and wrap around care.

Roll forward 20 years and she has my youngest brother and sisters children at least one or two days a week, despite the fact that they don't work full time (I do) and my SIL doesn't work at all.

She does loads more for them than she has ever done for me. It hurts. She says it's to help them out, but seems to forget that I actually could really have done with that help l, probably more so than them.

I challenged her once and she got upset and denied it!!! She now tries to hide when she has my nephews so I can't mention it, but I KNOW!!!

As I say, it hurts. A lot. But I also recognise that she is at a different stage in her own life now so maybe it's easier to have them now she's not wanting to do as much out of the house.