It's my loss too.....

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for options on my situation with relationship with my Mum. I am one of three siblings and have sister and brother. Sister and I had children around about the same time. I have never been very close to my Mum, she was pretty awful to sister and I in teens but became closer in 20's and then again when we had kids in 30's. She was supportive with grandkids initially however made it clear she was there to be a fun gran and spoil them and was not up for any regular childcare (absolutely her prerogative and no hard feelings about that) and would only have one grandchild at a time (from a sibling group) so she could give them her undivided attention.

Fast forward a few years and after my sister and I completed our family's my brother (always been the golden child) went on to have kids and low and behold all the boundaries she had in place went out the window and she is all of a sudden quite happy to do regular child care for him and has taken his kids together from baby/toddler stage.

Her attitude towards his family is night and day compared to ours and she is willing to go above and beyond to help him in any way she can but will continually put obstacles in the way any time I (very rarely) ask for a bit of help with something important. She has made it clear (for my sister and I) that they are our kids and we shouldn't be asking anyone else for help. All family gatherings are spent with her entertaining my brother's kids while ours are more or less ignored.

She thinks it's ridiculous when my sister and I spend any time away from our families for the odd weekend away and has no problem expressing this despite her opinion despite not being asked for it and never asking her to help out with childcare. Yet when my brother and SIL do the same age thinks it's great they are getting a break.

I feel so sad when I hear how close my friends are to their Mums and how they see them all the time. I have tried to include my Mum in our family life loads over the years (by spending time with us as a family, not just wanting help) and it's always met with reluctance and (sometimes ridiculous) excuses. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship over the years, regularly host the family gatherings such a Christmas, helped her a lot when she has broken bones and not been able to drive etc. When I talk to my friends about it they are all very sympathetic and say it's her loss but I very much feel it's my loss as well as I would love a great relationship with my Mum.

I have tried to talk to her a couple of times over the years but she completely denies any if it. I have accepted the situation for what it is now but struggling not to become bitter about it.

Nah I don’t think it’s guilt.

I have a mum like yours.

my mum is a ‘boy mum’ but a boy mum in the sense she sees her daughters as competition for her and her son so she spoils her son and makes her daughters do all the hard graft and fail.

my brother has been treated significantly differently than all the girls including him have a sizeable savings account my mother put his Child benefit into (but never did for any of the girls) giving him a massive head start in life with driving lessons etc.

your mum taking your kids separately and spoiling them is being mean to them. She’s taking one and going OTT and although the others know they’ll get their turn it’s still not nice to witness especially as they will be noticing uncles kids all get to go at the same time.

your mother would rather see you struggle than help you out. Your brother has different set of rules he can play by.

you really need to see this for what it is.

You can feel sad that you don’t have the loving relationship you would like. Acceptance is key here. You can’t change her, but you can change your reaction to her.

I am in the same position, but with no lovely sister ( just an entitled brother) and in laws have died.

I have made my peace by accepting my mother is free to choose how much love, effort and contact she has with dc and I, and how much she is willing to give. Almost nothing by the way.

I too have the choice, and I decided my efforts of playing happy families were better directed towards friends and my SIL that truly love and value me.

As a result I don’t arrange barely anything, barely call her and she seems happy with that - she has done nothing to change it. We are okay. I am not pouring love into something that never gives back, I started taking care of my own needs. Got a great babysitter to help with dc, took time off to relax and care for myself - we hired a cleaner and have lovely friends to call in an emergency. I don’t really need her at all now op. For anything. It’s liberating and freeing. I don’t expect anything from her, I don’t feel bitter because I am not doing more than I want to.

My brother can pick up the slack now they are aging and I am fine with that scenario too.

You really have to protect your children from this favouritism op. It will be noticed soon enough and your old family dynamic will play out with your own children fighting for crumbs of love from her. For their sake, you really need to pull back.

You are in a fantastic position. A loving sister that understands your feelings, a caring set of in laws. A nice father that cares. Count your blessings. Let go of the bestie/mother relationship fantasy and focus on those that actually have your back. It doesn’t need to be her.

I meant to add.

by taking your kids separately she is instilling division in them.

that they are not good enough ‘together’ but their uncles kids are.

these are tiny seeds that grow as the years go by. Don’t let this happen to your kids.

YANBU obviously but I wouldn’t talk to her about it and I would just pull back from the relationship.

My brother is definitely the golden child and his DCs were always put above mine and my sisters.

But my mum said once that he’s the boy and his new wife will take him away from her, so she has to make more of an effort to keep him in her life, whereas me and my sisters will always be there.
She said we need to see her and help her but he doesn’t.
I think a lot of mums think like this actually and that’s why MILs get such a bad name because they blame the new wife for trying to take their son away.

I decided to pull back from my relationship with her and made a lot less effort.
I would have days out with my brother and his family or invite them round for dinner. My mum would kick off about it (never cared when it was my sister coming round) and I’d say I didn’t invite her because she never wants to come to my home.

I’ve definitely noticed since I’ve pulled back that she’s made more effort.
Its also made me realise how bad her behaviour actually was towards me and my sisters (especially me) and that it’s really important to put those boundaries in before she gets too old.

Your children are older now and will only know and rememeber their own experiences.
Help them look back with happiness about the special times they spend with your mother - even though they spend time alone with her.
I hope you don't voice comparisons and expess displeasure that your brother's children go as a pair.

It seems that your mother does her best and has always had a special rapport with your brother. Unfortunate for you but he can't help it.

Many grandparents focus on the younger children in a group so that is not odd.

You sound like ops mother…

Your brother is the golden child. I saw my cousins being treated as the golden children when i was growing up. Boys had different rules to the girls. By the time the youngest boy grandchild came along, the entire family joined in and elevated him to golden child status. It seriously damaged my self esteem. I wish my mum had stood up to protect us from the toxicity because i don't think i will ever see myself as any thing other than unworthy of positive attention.

Was just thinking the same 🤣

Walk away. Put precisely as much effort into the relationship and she does with you. Cultivate love and affection from those able to give it, and look on the bright side. She's released you. You now owe her nothing. When she's old and frail, you and your sister don't have to worry - her golden boy can take care of her.

I had counselling due to the bitterness and anger I felt towards my mum for how I was treated in childhood and adulthood. My DM is very cold, controlling nacarrisit.

Through counselling the anger has creased - I can't change the past but I have let it go. Which has stopped the anger. It also taught me to think about the RELATIONSHIP I want with my DM and on my terms.

You can't change your DM (sorry) but YOU can decide how her actions affect you. My DM refused to do childcare for my children - even in an emergency she refused - my lovely dad stepped in, he took a day off work to help me. 15 years on the story in my DMs head has changed to her saving the day. I used be angry but now I laugh.

good luck.

I have some experience of this, too. But why do they do it? I really, really would like to understand. I can't imagine doing this to my own children, I love them all equally.

Your mum is a fucked up person. Having been through it, my advice would be to keep your kids away from her. Don’t let her damage their self esteem over time, don’t let them see you be treating as lesser. She’s the issue, stop trying to please her because you never will.

Yep, I’d also wonder what she’s whispering in their ears when she has each one alone.

It seems that your mother does her best and has always had a special rapport with your brother. Unfortunate for you but he can't help it

What crap, a decent mother doesn’t behave like that. It’s the very opposite of doing her best.

OP I’m sorry. I have a similar relationship with my mother. My young adult DC have nothing to do with her, a situation entirely of her own making and I and the younger DC are very low contact, which was best thing I ever did.

Totally agree with @nibblessquibbles very good advice there,

i am not susprised you and your sister feel the way you do Op, !

anyone in your situation would feel Totally the same too.

@PriOn1 totally nailed this on the head with that good remark...

Is that you OP’s mother ?

My children have never mentioned it, which I find odd as the kids go to the same school so see their Gran picking up their cousins every week and not them. I never say anything about it in front of them as I am glad they haven't picked up on it. I guess they just accept it for what it is and they probably don't remember a time it wasn't this way. My nephew is very aware though sadly and feels very let down.

This is awful. Your mum's behaviour is spiteful and, I'd wager, intentional. She must know what she's doing when she sees your DC in the playground and doesn't go near them. For my own sanity I would have to withdraw from the relationship - no helping her out with anything, no pressing her for visits, no phone calls checking how she is. I'd stop engaging completely and concentrate on the fabulous relationship you have with your MIL. You say she does the grunt work – TELL your kids how lucky they are to have her and don't mention their other gran in any context. She doesn't deserve it.

This.

Have you actually read the OP’s post. Vile behaviour towards her daughters, overt favouritism towards golden child son, and sowing the seeds of division with the grandchildren. And you think she’s doing her best ? Words fail me.

Sadly this. She will always put your brother and his children first. It must hurt very much. I'd lean towards my sister and try to be close with her if you can.

Is that you OP’s mother ?

Yes. I was thinking that. Certainly someone who has done this themselves. 🙄

Seriously. Are you the OP’s mum?

You could just ditch her OP. Might make you feel better.

Tell her you won't be hosting at Christmas because your children are getting old enough to notice the difference in the way your M treats their cousins.