'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

I was friend C. I worked full time, ex was extremely hands on in house/as father. With the exception of volunteering at school, between my ex and I we did what friend A did.

Ex also worked full time

Did you manage to look after your child throughout the school holidays? Do all drop offs and pick ups without using any wrap around care? Did you have a cleaner? Did you have a big house?

Genuinely interested as I find that we have to use holiday clubs and wraparound care now we are both working and find it really difficult (almost impossible to be honest) to stay on top things to the standard of Friend A. There are literally only so many hours in the day!

I'm not sure as to why women insist on turning different circumstances into a competition. Give friend B a bloody medal and pat on the back for being Wonderwoman, it's obvious by her nasty comment she isn't as happy as friend A.

We have a cleaner who comes 1x a fortnight
I live in a house like friend b's house
We do all pick ups plus extra curricular and occasional sporadic volunteering (not on committees any more but i was 10 years ago)
We eat more upf than I would like
I have poor mental health and am self employed

No friend B isn't deluded. Just like friend A She is managing to deal with her personal life and raise her children, but is combining it with a full time job. Its fairly obvious a full time job isn't going to mean she can spend hours cleaning, sewing on badges and enabling her DH to be successful in his job without needing to bother himself with domestic minutiae, but she obviously doesn't see these things as vital to family wellbeing. So no, not deluded. She is however somewhat tactless and confrontational as these sort of opinions are best not shared with SAHM friends.

I work full time now in a corporate job and always ‘kept my hand in’ but yes spent some time at home and felt that a lot of society really wrote off what I did. One gay friend (relevant in that she had a wife on reduced hours) was always like ‘wouldn’t it be wonderful to be like you’ ie have NOTHING TO DO.

I was thinking mate, you have no joke a nanny, an au pair, a wife on part time, a cleaner, two private school places that do lunches and early starts and homework clubs and put on school buses ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Plus your parents gave you hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Everyone has trade offs. Everyone is mostly working hard to make it work best for them in one way or another.

Funnily, I think as our children age, and our lives go through different chapters, we all play part of friend A and friend B.

I think that we all spend time as we can, and we make choices in line with what time and resources we have.

I think that it would be really useful for friend B to understand that things change, and as they do, so do priorities.

If friend Bs DH wasnt around to be hands on and help with things, she would either drop her household standards further, work less or indeed sleep less to meet the requirements of the family.

If friend A had to find work, either her household standards would drop, food would be of a different standard, she would stop volunteering or her husband would need to meet some of those duties.

It just shows, everyones just doing the best with what circumstances theyve got. and whilst circumstances look different, theyre not really that dissimilar.

friend B has help of her husband, friend A has her husbands cash so she isnt working outside of the home.

It would be nice if women could be a little bit more supportive of one another, regardless of what eachothers individual plates look like. The judgement from woman to woman only perpetuates a feeling of isolation and guilt.

I'm friend A and my sister is Friend B.

Neither one of us wants to be the other. I can't understand how Sister prefers it and I know she can't understand how I can love mine. But we know we do and congratulate each other on living the life we love.

Your Friend B doesn't sound that nice tbh.

We're all different. My DSis was horrified that we paid extra and bought a 7 seater car so we could have the extra seats for our kids friends when needed. DSis would never have her children's friends in her car at all (it's not her job to ferry other people's kids) and she couldn't understand that I did Brownies trips or School fetes, PTA stands etc.

B isn't deluded. A may keep a nice clean home and cook meals from scratch but there's no way that's the equivalent time as a FT job.
But I don't know why B is lamenting about it. What A does with her life is her business. It can sometimes he annoying when SAHMs complain around working mums about being tired, not having enough hours in the day etc... but B needs to just leave it, A doesn't have to account for her time.

My life is the same as friend B. It’s tough.

I don’t know why so many women persist in this ridiculous competitiveness. Well, no I guess it’s defensiveness because we’re all put down for our choices. But seriously, a bit more live and let live would go a long way!

I think B is unreasonable and rude to voice her opinion but I agree with her (silently, I'd never say this out loud to my SAHM friends or our mutual friends, as B has done).

All the things you list, like "cooking lavish meals" (your wording) still don't take a full working day. They just don't. If kids are at school, I just don't reckon that keeping a house clean and preparing a meal takes a whole school day.

And A's husband not having to do the sewing of the extracurricular badges (odd example to choose but nvm I see your point), isn't a GOOD thing for A's kids. It's at best neutral or at a pinch teaching them that men don't do that stuff.

It seems pretty clear to me that A has a cushier life than B, as it sounds like she can afford a great lifestyle on just her husband's income. That's the way life is, some people are wealthier than others.

But B's specific point that she doesn't see how A fills her day - I agree with that. If A goes around complaining she's so busy and hardworking, I'd raise eyebrows about that.

Horses for courses, innit?

But, I agree with PP, cleaning your house, taking children to school and cooking meals are the basics of being an adult. That's not a full time job

I don’t know that B is deluded (maybe slightly), but it would be helpful to remind her she is not in competition with A.

She has chosen or needs to work full-time and do all that it entails, but it makes her position no more valid / important than A’s choice.

I’m sure A fills her time as well as she pleases, and if bored, she can fix that too.

Baffles me why people think being worker bees is more important/productive than being a SAHM/volunteer etc.

Disclaimer: I work full-time, maintain a reasonably spotless home and chauffeur to far too many activities/events. I still think being a SAHM is a valid choice.

I worked part time when mine were at school (still do) why does the SAHM need to be busy?
I fill my time with my life, sometimes binge watching tv, sometimes just lazing about reading books. Sometimes even doing nothing.

As far as I can see from the OP, friend A hasn’t claimed that what she does is equivalent to a FT job, or made any comment on friend B’s situation at all.

I’m currently friend B, but was friend A when my children were small. And no, I can’t do all the things I did back then. My youngest is in WAC most days. I have less time for supervising homework, kids eat a lot of freezer food and pasta. I still do the PTA and some volunteering but I’m not as involved as I used to be. And definitely no beautifully decorated homemade birthday cakes or elaborate costumes!

I miss having the time, but making derogatory comments about my friends who work PT or are SAHMs is not going to help that.

Friend B on some level is obviously a-little jealous/resentful that friend A doesn’t have to work full time. I think that’s what it ultimately comes down to.

Friend B is embarrassed that friend A is a better parent than she is and looking for excuses.

Op has written:

I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard.

This is where I think you are BU, op.

I'm of the fairly strong opinion that B's "standards", by the sound of it, aren't worse than A's in a way that'll affect the kids.

Kids don't need "lavish" meals everyday.
Kids don't need an immaculate house.
Kids don't need their mum to be on the PTA.

These are all examples you have given of A doing things to a "higher standard" than B.

Actually, out of A, B, and op, I think op is the really judgy one.

A may well have a cushier life than B but that's not my question. I'm not even saying that A does the equivalent of a working week doing everything at home and with the kids that B doesn't get round to. My point is that B isn't doing ALL that A does and working FT. To me this is just fact. You can argue that A's husband could do more (true, but he works away a lot and very long hours) or that A has unnecessarily high standards but again that isn't the point. B still is deluded I believe to think she does all that A does and work so many hours.

I think it annoys me as A would happily acknowledge B's hard work and efforts in her career but B seems unable to acknowledge what A does and achieves.

I don't get how SAHMs aren't unbelievably bored on a daily basis. I was itching to get back to work after maternity leave.

I think if someone never had the luxury to not work whilst having DC, if must be hard to image how others fill their days. I mean there is only so much cooking, volunteering and and batch sewing to do.

I think the difference is friend b does all the stuff zhe needs to to get by, work, dinner and yes badges. Friend a makes amazing meals and keeps her house immaculate, I see b’s point, unless it’s downtown abbey id not consider that filling a day., unless she has a load of kids .

Wooden or metal?