'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

Secondusernameforme - I was referring to something haf1119 said - 'the reality is b is holding down a ft job whilst running family life' - the reality is, she's not doing it alone

I guess im friend B here however Im a single parent, working full time in a relatively good city job, 2 kids who are with me maybe 95% of the time. Lots of the other school mums i know (SAHM - [private schools) look frazzled but im also not sure what they are actually frazzled about as they have husbands, nannies, cleaners, some even have cooks coming over once a week! There is no way they do as much as a working parent however you say friend B has a supportive partner so i guess as a family unit, they can have it all in terms of attention for their children.

I think had i had a supportive husband who could fund me being at home, id have definitely taken a slightly more junior role as i couldnt 'not work' after years of study. But life isnt always like that and ive done it alone and certainly do a lot more than some of the SAHM parents i know.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

why do you accuse A of wanting a medal? It's B bitching, not A. In fact A acknowledges B's hard work.

I have definitely experienced jealousy from other women about my privilege as a SAHM with independent financial means.

I also have friends who were really lonely being at home with small children, and went back to work when financially they could have stayed home. They tend to be more extrovert social butterfly types.

For me, life with my dogs and children, friends, books and hobbies is enough. We are lucky to be able to go away a lot so there’s always something to organise and plan. I genuinely never get bored, but I accept others would find my life quite chaotic and small.

If friend B was happy with her lot, I don’t think she would be bitching about friend A.

Some Bs would like to be As. Some As, Bs.
Isn't it often just a case of "the grass is always greener"?

Why does it have to be a competition? B sounds petty and condescending. I think this whole business of equating perceived busyness and/or economic productivity with some kind of moral superiority is absolute nonsense. The reality is that all of us have chosen the path that best suits our family given our individual circumstances, and if people had any decency, they would quit JUDGING each other and let other women get on with their own lives in a way that works well for them.

I’d say the fact that friend B felt the need to comment on friend A’s lifestyle/business says a lot about her as a person. Really why does it matter what friend A or B manage to do. There is absolutely no need to compare. So why did she feel the need to compare what she does with what friend A does? Judgement / defensiveness??

In your shoes, given friend B raised the topic, I’d be tempted to say something along the lines of….”oh I think she does a fab job. Must be hard doing all the drop off/pick ups and she spends so much time planning meals and facilitating play dates etc.” or just indicate I didn’t want to discuss it. Actually it would really annoy me if a friend attempted to judge another friend like this.

I think OP is very impressed with friend A, and has probably pissed friend B off with her fan-girling, and B has bitten.

Both can do what they like and you sound the judgiest friend of all.

I’m self employed and vary from 30-40hrs a week so not always full time but I fully acknowledge that to match your friend A requires contributions from myself, my husband, after school club, holiday clubs and a cleaner. And I still don’t have time to be a parent volunteer for the school or scouts!
I do not know why more working parents acknowledge we’re not doing “all that” if we use wrap around etc.

I agree but I guess it depends on peoples circumstances.

Many women choose to be SAHPs, whilst many women would like to be SAHPs but can’t afford it.

Some women also choose to work and the SAHMs get to choose whether they work or stay home.

I guess it’s having the choice that some people may feel jealous about.

If its such an enviable lifestyle, doesn't it make you wonder why more men don't go for it? For centuries (for ever even!) men have had the power to choose their own roles and allocate to women the ones they don't fancy. Yet very few have decided that the best role for a human being is one that involves cooking, cleaning and enabling their partner to be successful in their job. What makes you think then that every woman sees it as something to be jealous of?

Not everything has to be a competition, no one should have to justify how they spend their time. It depends on the person and their priorities as well, for someone who enjoys making fancy meals then great it's time well spent; for me I prefer making quick balanced meals and would do the same whether I worked or not but I'm sure I'd find something else to fill the time even though strictly it's not needed. I think all being equal and assuming no outside support even with afterschool club etc (which you still have to drop children off at and collect so not sure of the real difference between doing that and the school run) the full time working parent doesn't have school hours to do the cleaning, anything that needs sorting etc as the SAHP does assuming they're school age children.

The judgiest friend is the one who “doesn’t understand” how someone else fills their time. Obviously. You have to be exceptionally thick not to understand, imvho. As it is highly unlikely B is that incredibly stupid, it is painfully obvious she is self-righteous and judgemental.

Most of the people male and female in my workplace just have jobs not careers. And everyone over 50 I talk too can’t wait to retire.
And how can B be doing everything A is doing. She is paying someone for wraparound care. So she obviously doesn’t respect the person looking after her child/children.

I generally agree with Friend B but usually only if someone is making a meal out of doing something every adult has to do or if they talk about the fact that they work 24/7 and don't get sick days like working parents can just take a sick day from parenting.

There was an interesting thread on another forum about similar, there was a man (or so they claimed of course never know online) who was arguing the odds about the value of having a SAHP and that this is what men should look for when choosing a partner (someone who wants to do this). When asked why he didn't wish to be the SAHP out came all of the excuses why its good for women but he couldn't possibly even though he'd absolutely love to. Whatever works for each family is great, but it does make you wonder why men don't wish to leave themselves vulnerable but are happy to benefit from not having to worry about children harming their career and have the lions share of the housework done. Some men wind up doing less stuff around the house with children and a wife than they would if they lived alone which is absolutely pathetic.

OP couldn't be more friend A if she walked up and down the high street wearing a sandwich board, with FRIEND A emblazoned across the front! 🤷‍♂️🤣🤣

I guess it’s having the choice that some people may feel jealous about.

Yes, I think that can be issue. Some people can’t afford to work & some can’t afford not too.

Friend B has the toughest life. Friend A is lucky she can turn all her attention to her family because her partner earns enough to support the family. It's much harder working and doing all the family stuff on top and not as well as you would like to.

@Walkaround yes if you are only presented with the first paragraph of the OP, you might believe B was "lamenting ".

But given that OP goes on to clearly judge B in every aspect, whilst heaping praise on A , OP is still the judgiest of all IMO.

I was A, people were really shitty towards me. I think people are jealous that you don't need to work and feel guilty that you're always there. What they didn't see was my husband was home two nights a week and I did every minute of parenting. Yes I got 6 hours a day without them but there was never a night off, or the ability to go to the gym, drinks etc.

All after school activities were on me, every parents evening, play, costume etc..It's all on one parent. Is it manageable..yes, but it can be lonely and can be monotonous just like a job. Being a SAHM often means being a slave to all the domestic jobs. Plus when you don't work you tend to go at a slower pace..it's not a bad thing, humans are way too rushed due to life pressures. Having an hour to listen to reading after school is a luxury you don't have if you need to cook dinner, put on a wash etc. I think B is feeling A is better than her, but she's not considering A will have her own cross to bear. I always felt people looked down on me for being lazy.

This is how I read your question, OP.

It does sound like you are the judgemental one. So long as all the children are loved & well cared for, the rest is just performance at worst, or icing at best.

Why bother even making the comparison? Who does it serve?

She is thinking about friend B’s comment. How else should one analyse someone else “not understanding” something? It does, in all honesty, sound easy to understand. If you had more time than friend B to do things, you would and should be doing them to a higher standard.

Being a SAHM is great and suits a lot of people, but raising a family (of school age) and maintaining a home, can be done alongside a full time job. I still hand sew name badges onto uniform and make Halloween costumes etc. I just do it in the evenings and weekends. What being a SAHM does afford you is more flexibility. Personally I wouldn’t have any problem filling my time! I would just spend more time at the gym.