'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

Hmm the trouble with making "lavish meals" and "keeping your house immaculate" is no one remembers it later or it gets taken for granted, doesn't look good on a CV and it doesn't pay you a pension or even any wage. If they ever divorce friend A has to hope for a good divorce settlement if she has given up her career, unless she has other assets. Also if you've always had someone on tap to pick up after you then how do you learn responsibility as a child? Doubtful she's a better parent, just a different one. I have seen some SAHM act extremely superior because they have time for nails and make up, ironing etc etc. But I prefer to have the financial security, role model work to my kids and not be reliant on a man. Doesn't stop me worrying whether my kids spend too much time in wrap around care, although I know they love going to play with their friends. Basically we all have insecurities but the trick is to just remember it's different strokes for different folks..we all have different priorities and it isn't a competition. There is no standard right or wrong choice, each comes with pros and cons.

Great point, nailed it.

I think she knows why her friend has a tidier house and cooks more. What she means is being a HW isn’t an FT job once your kids are at school, which it isn’t. This is not to say there’s anything wrong with having a lifestyle that doesn’t involve an FT job.

I'd say that depends on the person and what they deem to be lucky. If Friend B doesn't want to be a SAHM, she may not consider Friend A to be the lucky one.

If Friend A doesn't mutter about being super-busy and exhausted, it sounds like Friend B is just feeling frazzled and overwhelmed by keeping all the plates in the air and needs a bit of empathy and a hug from you.

I knew I didn't want to be Friend A and went back to work after both my maternity leaves, which stood me in good stead when my husband decided he wanted a divorce when our children were still very young. I've worked ever since and as a single mum it was very hairy and very hard work all the way through primary school trying to juggle everything. However, I'm now in my mid-50s, my kids are young adults, I have been promoted at work to a senior position and I love the mental stimulation and the sense of fulfilment and confidence that my job brings me. I'd say to Friend B that you might feel that you're in the trenches now but you will come out the other end and may be very glad that you have worked the whole way through – have faith!

It’s all relative isn’t it and I think the majority of people feel stretched to their limit.

When people make comments to us (neither of us work anymore) we just ignore it as they couldn’t possibly understand our circumstances and how easy their lives probably are in comparison and at the end of the day we aren’t answerable to them so it makes no difference what anyone thinks. Everyone is just doing their best and everyone is busy

I've never understood this (although appreciate we're all different etc etc). You can do anything you like on mat leave, as long as you take a baby with you- it's as boring as you make it. Appreciate that some people are stuck at home due to finances or disabilities etc and I'm not talking about them, but I'm amazed how some people seem to design the most boring imaginable year for themselves and then complain about being bored- you're not actually obliged to spend it at NCT coffee mornings 😂

I think op has a more similar lifestyle to A's, and aspires to live and parent the way A does.

So I think op has started this thread to garner agreement that A is a better mum than B, to gain some validation for op's own choices.

I just don't think that A is a better mum (with "higher standards") than B, based on the description given.

The only comparison I feel we can make based on op's description is that B's husband is a better dad and husband than A's.

I mean it's none of Friend Bs business how A fills her time is it? If she is happy with her lot why does it bother her?

You can do anything you like on mat leave, as long as you take a baby with you- it's as boring as you make it.

I think the whole point is because of the baby you can’t do anything you like! 😆

Anyway my view on Friends A and B is B should probably button it. Maybe A doesn't really have enough essential tasks to fill her day- if so, lucky her as she can spend it doing things she enjoys, and lucky B if she enjoys her job- she should focus on that rather than being bitter and snarky.

Full respect for friend B

I'm a stay at home mam, currently not working and my house is a shit tip and I can't cook to save my life.

Believe it or not my worth is not based on any of these things.

I have 3 looked after happy kids, I plan great Christmases and birthday parties plus holidays and days out that my kids treasure the memories off. I also have hobbies and ambitions of my own.

50 years past when I die no one is going to say she was an awful person who fed her kid steamfresh veg and her house wasn't spotless.

Time doesn't magically stop for me, I'm still matching my way to death at the same pace as everyone else.

I'm just doing more fun things than scrubbing dado rails in my minimalist house, killing myself for a boss who doesn't give to shits about me in a job I hate and/or preparing perfectly balanced organic finest cuisine for kids that lets face it are going to take one bite and then ask for a cookie.

Now don't get me wrong some people work in jobs they love or some people love and are good at cooking etc... which is great for them I hope they are fulfilled. I however am not them and do not cram myself into that box because a misogynistic society demands it of women.

I dunno that’s quite an equivalent though, looking stunning is usually a means to an end. Having an immaculate house, cooking more, doing volunteering doesn’t really make any difference to the fundamental job of being a parent. There’s nothing wrong with doing these things, they might be enjoyable and life enhancing, but it won’t make any odds to your kids.

Seems to be someone who maybe has enough time on their hands to judge another’s life doesn’t it !!!

@housethatbuiltme how do you afford to do all the fun things?

Well, maybe not climbing Everest 😂 but there are lots of things you can do- travel, study, go for long walks in the countryside, watch every Hitchcock film ever made, spend all day in the National Gallery, [insert whatever you like to do here] etc etc. I know some people have circs that limit what they can do but otherwise I think people tend to place limits on themselves and assume that with a baby in tow they have to do boring stuff. I hardly did any of that and had a lovely time.

Sounds like Friend A is a bit insecure and is working very hard to keep her man, since her children probably don't care much about gourmet meals or an immaculate house.

In all honesty if I could afford not to work then I wouldn't. I couldn't care a jot if people think me bored and unfulfilled. I enjoy my job on the whole but would easily fill my time without it. Everyone is different so you just have to do what works for the family/financially and for yourself.

Believe it or not you can have fun without spending a fortune... you can even do it without spending money at all.

I have time to spend planning these things so I don't have to pay other people/companies to do it for me.

I was Friend B. No cleaner, flaky au pairs, dashing all over the country during school summer holidays to drop kids off with grandparents or at different residential holiday schemes. Dashing home from work to get them to after school activities. I also managed rental properties and did a lot for one of the kid's sports clubs. When they were secondary age I also had a weekly 200 miles round trip to oversee the care of my elderly parents.

I remember having a day off and cooking lunch and inviting old NCT friends round for lunch, most of whom had not returned to work. One launched into a critique of the state of my house. It might have been justified in that her house was almost certainly much tidier than mine, she was able to talk about new kitchens and redecoration, being there to supervise and oversee the kids homework, and about cooking from scratch every day, but it really hurt and I was deeply upset. I was totally worn out and had nothing more to give. No one stood up for me and I felt very judged.

Interestingly, now I am no longer working I find that several of the superior SAHMs are dull. They may have perfect homes but their experience is limited. Over the years I have picked up lots of different skills, have a much wider range of friends, and I find I no longer want to be included but instead am quietly dropping them. Just at the point when my house is finally getting some attention, and with it the chance of approval.

@housethatbuiltme but surely you have to have some form if income?

Like a previous poster said, why does it matter to you? You do you and let them do their version of life. It isn't a competition for who works harder, who has the cleanest house etc

Does friend B not like friend A? Because she’s being a real b*tch. Why try to be better than her? I hate this.

She's either doing it for herself or her husband but she can't argue she's doing it because she has better parenting standards.

(Well, we don't know that A is arguing that, but op is.)

Both A's and B's kids get their scouts' badges sewn on. It's purely to benefit A's husband that she takes on the entirety of that work herself.