'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

There are people who are really quite taken aback when someone doesn’t have a job. I have a friend (who is delightful) who, from time to time, tries to think of jobs I could do.

I'm Friend B and would never judge my Friend A but I've noticed she does plenty of judging toward me. She has more children than me so my life is a walk in the park apparently.

The truth is friend B thinks friend A has a boring life and friend A thinks friend B isn’t engaged enough with her children or domestic life. It’s very hard to be friends with others when you’ve made different life choices. Unless their friendship is water tight, they will likely drift. Snide comments is the start.

That’s so awesome for you! Congrats!

You do know everyone is different, different strokes for different folks and all that.

You'll see in my latest post that I acknowledge that people could think A's standards are unnecessarily high. That really isn't the point.

To me it's like if someone spend hours on their appearance and looks immaculate as a result. I might think it's unnecessary and not particularly desirable but I would be mad not to acknowledge that they had put more time and effort into looking after themselves and therefore achieved a different result than me. It just seems deluded to pretend otherwise.

I do

I'm with friend B.

Well if B's going to be all sneery about it then I'd be saying exactly what you've said here. A has bigger house, immaculate, doesn't need childcare etc etc. and that's how she fills her time.

I work FT and the only time anything grates on me is when friends who don’t work outside the home complain about being rushed off their feet with school admin being like ‘a full time job’ and I have to do all the school admin on top of my full time job.

But that is me being over sensitive because I am frazzled 🤪

But everyone who is friend B is very happy
to know Friend A when their children are ill
or they’ve been let down with childcare.

Friend A is simply continuing to perpetuate the status quo that women are here to raise babies and make life easy for the menfolk, until they get old and are replaced by a newer model.

The patriarchy's dream in other words. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

User8476, depends what your job is surely? There are plenty of jobs I'd find way more boring than looking after kids - what a classic mumsnet judgemental post

No more judgemental than those from the other side of the fence

It’s not delusion from B. It’s just jealousy. Until recently I was a SAHM and could feel the jealousy dripping off every comment from my working friends. I knew I was lucky to be a SAHM so I chose to ignore the comments. B could give up work to become a SAHM or go part time. If she chooses not to, she should keep her thoughts to herself.

Can I be friend X who is exhausted, works full time in a stressful role, volunteers, is doing a Masters and a placement and is just going to drop 😂

I mean nope, most of us have to take time off, WFH and juggle that as well. You're still a parent if your kid is sick whether you're A or B 😂

Having been on both sides of the fence, a sahm and a ft working mum, I have found most judgement from working mums.

Lack of job stress does not equate to boredom. Unless you find life boring , having a 7 day weekend is full of opportunities and fun.

Most of the SAHM (of teenagers) I know have cleaners (although most working mums I know do as well) and seem to spend most of the time shopping/going to the gym/cycling/going to the theatre/having hair or nails done. No idea what sort of meals they eat
I enjoy my job but I can't say I don't feel a bit envious sometimes.

OP. What a massive shit stirer you are.

Did you say that to the people who did your childcare, or the cleaners in your work, anyone you pay for gardening etc?

I've been both, but not really because I helped out in the school and did shopping etc for older relatives. You do things that you drop when you don't have time, self care, exercise, the healthy, complex meals A cooks, the seasonal decorating, the extras because you've got time and you've got the playdates you'll facilitate, the helping out childcare for others and the school holidays/sick days. The months go by fast. Women really have to drop this, men do the opposite and like to claim a cushy life. If any woman isn't single and says that she does all a SAHM does, then she's an idiot, unless her DP is a high earner and she's well paid, or her DP works away.

Friend B doesn't sound much of a friend. It's so condescending and lacking in imagination to say you don't know how someone fills their time. It implies people only ever work FT to 'fill time' - no concept of volunteering or caring duties. From an economy pov, we need both A and B. And as you said OP B isn't doing everything that A is doing. And A isn't doing what B is doing. But only one of them seems to view it as a competition and excuse to be a patronising arse.
(I've been A. I've been B. I'm currently C - wfh and don't have any childcare).

The “women can have it all” pretence really annoys me - I absolutely admire women who hold down a high flying full time job and have children (particularly young ones) at the same time but the reality is there are always trade offs, you simply cannot be in two places at once. Your friend B is “doing everything” A does in a loose sense, ie maintaining a family, while working full time but as you rightly point out she is not attending all the same things, doing pickups etc.

I am not judging that in any way at all, there’s no issue with that in itself and men take that approach all the time with no comment from anyone else. There is no right way to do motherhood. But don’t make out you’re running an office with one hand and baking bread with the other and also being there for after school activities, because you aren’t, and pretending you are basically becomes a stick to beat other women with for failing to “have it all” - like your friend appears to be doing in this case.

Except in B's case, there's two of you to share the load. There's an awful lot of women who need to sort out their relationships and stop being bitter.

You'll see in my latest post that I acknowledge that people could think A's standards are unnecessarily high.

But I don't agree with this at all and I think this is where you're being outrageously judgy.

I think I must be deluded as you describe because I feel like your beauty example here exactly backs up my point, rather than yours.

I never wear make up. Mostly because I CBA. I still feel confident and happy with my looks, have had my fair share of attention from men, etc - whatever you measure "results" on, it's the same. Someone who wears lots of makeup or has beauty treatments doesn't have "higher standards" than I do, either necessarily or unnecessarily. Just totally different method/lifestyle/ideology.

A and B both (presumably) have happy, healthy, well-fed and all-rounded children, in a safe and happy home. But B also has a career, pension, etc. A doesn't have "higher standards" than B, either necessarily or unnecessarily.