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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH didn't work from home today

131 replies

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 10:34

DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it. He's new so it makes it even worse he can't manage to get into the office. However, they do seem very flexible and so long as he gets his work done he seems ok so far.

DC (7 months old) has been down with a cold the past few days but the last couple of days I've been hit by a bad toothache. It's given me headaches and partially deaf in one ear. I'm hoping it's the toothache that's caused it anyway! DC woke every hour last night. DH slept in spare room. I messaged him to ask him to WFH today as I could really use the support. I woke up to see he's gone and he hasn't even messaged to see if we're ok. I am trying to not be annoyed but the day before he went to work and left everything where it was from the night before. He had to work late so I woke up to find crisp packet, drinks, glasses, cereal bowl all just left in the living room. When he got home yesterday he just went to bed (I guess because he had his all nighter with work).

I'm trying to rationalise that he cannot just WFH whenever but also know he clearly can given he does for no good reason every week.. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
myotherkidisacassowary · 15/11/2023 10:39

I don’t think this is a strictly a case where anyone is being unreasonable - I understand why you want the support but also understand why he wanted to go in if he’d actually managed to get himself up on time etc.

You’re sleep deprived and in pain so you’re no doubt (very understandably) feeling fragile and emotions are running high. He could have sent you a text explaining he was going in, but I don’t think he has been especially unreasonable (except for leaving a mess, which was dickhead behaviour and he should apologise and do better going forward).

I would be a bit concerned about a grown man regularly failing to get himself up for work on time. Does he need to address this - e.g. does he have sleep apnea, does he need to make lifestyle changes etc? If he could fix this issue it would give him more flexibility to use his WFH days when you need some extra support.

Hope you feel better soon!

Codlingmoths · 15/11/2023 10:40

Well yes that is crap but do you think you have bigger problems? He can barely make the minimum attendance requirements at work, and certainly can’t function like a working parent who has a role at home too absolutely has to. What’s wrong with him? Has he always been like this? Do you have a career to return to if he gets the flick? What do your bills look like on just your income? All these things would be consuming my mind!

he sounds incompetent; but perhaps he is not coping with the stress of work since he can’t even get himself there?

Pasithean · 15/11/2023 10:48

Even if he worked at home surely he would be unavailable for other things . He needs to be concentrating on work

myotherkidisacassowary · 15/11/2023 10:50

Pasithean · 15/11/2023 10:48

Even if he worked at home surely he would be unavailable for other things . He needs to be concentrating on work

Presumably he would be saved commuting time, and would be available for his lunch break etc.

Even just having another person there to give you a hug while the kettle’s boiling can be helpful on a difficult day.

I can see why OP feels it would be a support to have him at home even if he’s working.

PinkRoses1245 · 15/11/2023 10:51

I think there's a wider problem, as an adult and a parent, he really shouldn't oversleeping to the extent he isn't complying with his work's policy on going to the office. I'd be more worried about that, and also why he's working all night, that's terrible practice.

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2023 10:51

You're not unreasonable to be finding things hard, but you are being unreasonable expecting him to work from home to support with childcare.

When people are WFH they are, or should be, working from home, not doing childcare from home whilst dabbling in work.

Towerofsong · 15/11/2023 10:51

I fully understand your frustration but I'd encourage him into the office more, if he gets laid off "because they need to make cuts" you'll have deeper problems.
I hope your earache and toothache go soon, that feels rotten.

PinkRoses1245 · 15/11/2023 10:52

I'd be making him go in more actually, especially with a new job.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/11/2023 10:54

Did he read the message? I can go til the evening without looking at the phone.

Anyway, when someone WFH, that’s what they ought to be doing.

(Why on earth does an adult with a family struggle to get up on time. Is he ill?)

Tiiredofthiss · 15/11/2023 10:54

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you, but when he's working from home he should be working and not helping you with DC surely?
It sounds like he has bigger issues though, not getting himself up for work and leaving a mess at home, has he always been like this? Could he be depressed?

luckylavender · 15/11/2023 11:00

Pasithean · 15/11/2023 10:48

Even if he worked at home surely he would be unavailable for other things . He needs to be concentrating on work

This. And we wonder why wfh has a bad rep.

WiIIowT · 15/11/2023 11:08

You mean you wanted him to take the day off work? WFH means working, not looking after people. So for that YABU. But if you were really ill and needed him to take a day off that's another matter. Would you have asked him to take a day off when he's so new?

You have much bigger problems though. Being an adult and not being able to get himself to work is an issue. Doesn't sound like he will hold the job down for long. I wouldn't tolerate that as a boss, especially from someone new. Imagine what he will be like when he becomes more confident in doing what he wants. Sounds like a piss taker.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 15/11/2023 11:12

I’m in a similar situation at the moment. I have a really bad cold and my 5 month old has recently come home from hospital with bronchiolitis. My DH is working from home today to give me some support and it does help a lot. I agree with people saying that he can’t help all the time as he’s working, of course he can’t. But my DH will be making lunch for us both on his lunch break so that I can actually eat, will possibly watch DS for 2 minutes here and there so I can go to the toilet etc. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s a big help and much better than trying to cope all day on my own when I’m not well. If your DH regularly works from home pretty much whenever he feels like it, I see no reason he couldn’t have done it today to give you the support that you need. It sounds to me like he knew it would be a difficult day at home with your DC being poorly and so he made sure he went into work because that would be easier for him. I don’t blame you for being annoyed.

VisionsOfSplendour · 15/11/2023 11:12

Why can't he get up on time? He doesn't sound like a top employee, I'd be worried that he might lose the job if hes not seen to be performing. Is he still in his probation period?

Before COVID women on maternity leave had to suck up lack of sleep, feeling ill, managing in their own during the day etc and we all got through it, in this case I think you need to grit your teeth and do what gets you through the day

MuckyPlucky · 15/11/2023 11:13

OP is he having late nights sitting up engaged in unhelpful things - drinking , gaming , online gambling? (hence struggling to get up in mornings?)

SleepPrettyDarling · 15/11/2023 11:16

YANBU. He chose to go in and not tell you.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 15/11/2023 11:16

As above poster mentioned, he would be saving commuting time (morning and evening) and should have a lunch break so there's no reason he couldn't take the baby for half hour at a couple of points during the day to give OP a break.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 15/11/2023 11:16

And he shouldn't be leaving his shite around the house for OP to clean up

Kirstyshine · 15/11/2023 11:25

“@VisionsOfSplendour · Today 11:12

Why can't he get up on time? He doesn't sound like a top employee, I'd be worried that he might lose the job if hes not seen to be performing. Is he still in his probation period?

Before COVID women on maternity leave had to suck up lack of sleep, feeling ill, managing in their own during the day etc and we all got through it, in this case I think you need to grit your teeth and do what gets you through the day”

We didn’t ‘all get through it’ though. I lost a friend to suicide at this stage and know many women, myself included, who carry mental scars. It’s great that you got through it but if we can make things better then that’s worth doing, isn’t it?

Consideringachange2023 · 15/11/2023 11:30

I think you need to completely separate this out from the working at home situation - I agree if he can work from home because he’s too lazy to get up on time to make it into the office, then he could also work from home to be on hand (obviously work would be the priority but even just moral support and taking baby for an hour at lunchtime would be helpful) plus removing the commuting time etc.

Overall though this isn’t about WFH, this is about your partner seemingly not giving you any support at all with a young child, especially at the moment whilst they are poorly.
Going out for drinks, not cleaning up, not helping you or baby in the night and not even helping in the morning before work by making you a cuppa, taking baby for half hour so you can grab a shower etc.
He sounds like an absolute useless lump of a man who needs to grow up.

Only you know if he is capable of being a better partner, if he isn’t then I’d be seriously considering going back to work asap and going it alone. As you potentially in for a lifetime of just being left to get on with the grunt work on your own whilst he does whatever the fuck he wants.

Silvers11 · 15/11/2023 11:35

myotherkidisacassowary · 15/11/2023 10:39

I don’t think this is a strictly a case where anyone is being unreasonable - I understand why you want the support but also understand why he wanted to go in if he’d actually managed to get himself up on time etc.

You’re sleep deprived and in pain so you’re no doubt (very understandably) feeling fragile and emotions are running high. He could have sent you a text explaining he was going in, but I don’t think he has been especially unreasonable (except for leaving a mess, which was dickhead behaviour and he should apologise and do better going forward).

I would be a bit concerned about a grown man regularly failing to get himself up for work on time. Does he need to address this - e.g. does he have sleep apnea, does he need to make lifestyle changes etc? If he could fix this issue it would give him more flexibility to use his WFH days when you need some extra support.

Hope you feel better soon!

@lavenderdillydilly I agree with this post in its entirety 100%.

Also - if he has some undiagnosed sleep disorder he WILL find it difficult to wake up. I know you have enough on your plate, but it might be helpful, if you could trial 2 or 3 weeks of you making sure he is awake and up at the right time and see if that helps. If that does work, then you could look at how to take this forward so that he can get up without your involvement?

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2023 11:39

He doesn't sound like the most dynamic individual- hope you have some spare cash for when he gets sacked.

Mariposista · 15/11/2023 11:45

Making a mess and not tidying it is unreasonable, but he is not unreasonable for going to the office. He is paid to work, not to be parenting during the day. As hard as your situation is atm, if you were butting in on his meetings or forcing him out to 'help' while he is on company time, he would be breaking policy in most companies.

ginasevern · 15/11/2023 11:48

I'd be more concerned at his lack of attendance at work because he can't be arsed to get up on time. Whilst you say his work seems OK about it, I can't imagine they really are especially If he's new.

SleepPrettyDarling · 15/11/2023 12:06

Mariposista · 15/11/2023 11:45

Making a mess and not tidying it is unreasonable, but he is not unreasonable for going to the office. He is paid to work, not to be parenting during the day. As hard as your situation is atm, if you were butting in on his meetings or forcing him out to 'help' while he is on company time, he would be breaking policy in most companies.

Nowhere does the op say that she does any of this when he works from home 2-3 days a week currently!