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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH didn't work from home today

131 replies

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 10:34

DH will often work from home if he's overslept. I would say at least 3 days a week he does this. His company policy is to be in the office at least three days a week and often he struggles to manage it. He's new so it makes it even worse he can't manage to get into the office. However, they do seem very flexible and so long as he gets his work done he seems ok so far.

DC (7 months old) has been down with a cold the past few days but the last couple of days I've been hit by a bad toothache. It's given me headaches and partially deaf in one ear. I'm hoping it's the toothache that's caused it anyway! DC woke every hour last night. DH slept in spare room. I messaged him to ask him to WFH today as I could really use the support. I woke up to see he's gone and he hasn't even messaged to see if we're ok. I am trying to not be annoyed but the day before he went to work and left everything where it was from the night before. He had to work late so I woke up to find crisp packet, drinks, glasses, cereal bowl all just left in the living room. When he got home yesterday he just went to bed (I guess because he had his all nighter with work).

I'm trying to rationalise that he cannot just WFH whenever but also know he clearly can given he does for no good reason every week.. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

PaperSky · 15/11/2023 16:37

fishshop · 15/11/2023 12:16

he’d have had his commute time and lunch time at home, so would have been home ‘to support’

or do you think he would have shut himself in the home office bang on his commute time and not left until his imaginary commute period had elapsed?

it’s very clear what the OP was referring to, unless you are especially dense. She wasn’t expecting him to sack the day off and not do his job to parent the kids all day.

he’s very happy to ‘wfh’ and save his commute when he can’t listen to an alarm clock.

Show quote history

If he’s working late/‘doing all nighters’ with work, presumably he’s very busy which might mean working through lunch etc. if company has a policy to come in on so many days, he might have had to go in today.

Not impressed people are calling him lazy, when he seems to be working very late into the evening, as I have to do that at times, log in at 8:30 am, still working at 11pm etc, I’d be fuming if I was called lazy tbh. Might be all well and good saying he can stop and help with baby for an hour, but then that will likely mean staying logged on even later into the night/early hours to then catch up.

obviosuly, I’m biased due to my role which has these ‘busy periods’ I wouldn’t be impressed if I was called lazy when I can barely get a minute to myself.

LightSpeeds · 15/11/2023 16:37

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 15/11/2023 11:12

I’m in a similar situation at the moment. I have a really bad cold and my 5 month old has recently come home from hospital with bronchiolitis. My DH is working from home today to give me some support and it does help a lot. I agree with people saying that he can’t help all the time as he’s working, of course he can’t. But my DH will be making lunch for us both on his lunch break so that I can actually eat, will possibly watch DS for 2 minutes here and there so I can go to the toilet etc. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s a big help and much better than trying to cope all day on my own when I’m not well. If your DH regularly works from home pretty much whenever he feels like it, I see no reason he couldn’t have done it today to give you the support that you need. It sounds to me like he knew it would be a difficult day at home with your DC being poorly and so he made sure he went into work because that would be easier for him. I don’t blame you for being annoyed.

^This

Lazy, inconsiderate dickhead who can barely get out of bed and into work (unless it suits him) vs. Mature, caring adult.

PaperSky · 15/11/2023 16:39

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 13:13

He called an hour ago to say he's only just seen my message and he can come home. I told him not to as I do agree with what everybody is saying about he should really be in the office especially given it's a new job. I do try to encourage him to go in on time and make sure he is in bed and not up into the early hours.

Someone asked what he's doing with his all nighters. Sometimes it is work but I would say 80% of the time it's TV. It's his way to de-stress. With respect to picking up after himself, he is usually helpful with housework but past few days he hasn't been much help - he has a couple of days here and there (maybe a.couple of days a month) where he is a complete slob. I think he is a bit depressed (new job wasn't exactly what he wanted). But he isn't very good at expressing his feelings.

Okay, ignore my last message then.
if he’s just up watching tv, that’s different

topnoddy · 15/11/2023 16:50

If he's new and can't even get up on time to get to the office 3 days a week he won't be there very long will he !

ACynicalDad · 15/11/2023 16:55

Yes, if he can work from home on a day like today he should. But on the understanding he still needs to get a full day's work done.

TheSilkLady · 15/11/2023 17:10

You mentioned he was up late working. Is something major going on and work and he doesn't want to stress you out by telling you ?

regarding your toothache please please get this checked out if your having headaches. My husband needed emergency surgery this year with a similar problem and they said it could have made him even more seriously ill.

if he's dealing with something at work he's maybe not thought about your message. If you need his support you need to ask him to take a day off to try and let you get help.

it sounds like you both need to talk and find out whats going on for both your sakes

PersephonePomegranate23 · 15/11/2023 17:17

Maybe whatever he was working on last night is still ongoing and everyone was expected in today to continue?

It does sound rubbish that he often can't haul himself in, but maybe the company really are relaxed as long as people are there when it's required?

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 17:18

At present, he should at least attempt to work in a way that his employer would prefer him to work. Because he is new on the job. And see whether he can shift his active working time to be more in line with the world of work i.e. 9-5. He needs to be seen as reliable, before he can vary his hours too much. Otherwise his employers may start to think he is taking the piss.

He is already skewed in his time allocation, even though he is meeting the requirements of his job. This doesn't leave him much wriggle room in the future. If he lets things slide round much further, he may find his employers are not too pleased.

And as he has worked there for less than 2 years, he has fuck all employment rights.

I know it's hard when you work best at night. One reason why I found it difficult to hold down a job for more than three or four years. Retired now

Cyb3rg4l · 15/11/2023 17:33

He would be available in the time he would normally commuting, also over his lunchtime. People who WFH also take occasional breaks when he could help out.

Eskimal · 15/11/2023 17:34

Massive indicators of ADHD behaviours. If ADHD you need to learn more about it and he needs a diagnosis.
If not ADHD, UANBU and he needs to grow up

WallaceinAnderland · 15/11/2023 17:47

@lavenderdillydilly off topic but DH had the same symptoms as you, starting with toothache and dentist said it's sinusitis. He's had antibiotics for it. Maybe you need GP rather than dentist.

Lentilweaver · 15/11/2023 17:49

I realise mental health is not straightforward, but I often wonder why privileged men like him are so angry. He had a fantastic education, has a great job that most people would kill for ( which he arguably did not have to work hard for), an attractive young wife, a large house in London, lovely children, the opportunity to eat out often in a CoL crisis, a close well-knit family.... what about all this makes you disproportionately angry all the time? It's not just him. I often wonder this about people who seem to have every advantage.

maddening · 15/11/2023 17:49

Yanbu at all

I would pop out and get some oralgel - amazing for toothache l - completely numbs it

Lentilweaver · 15/11/2023 17:50

Ugh I posted in the wrong board. Please ignore. None of that applies!

Mostlyoblivious · 15/11/2023 18:13

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 13:16

And on the days he works from home, he is definitely helpful in that he will have DC during lunch. He'll play with her before work starts.

Also, once DC starts working, he can sort of disappear forever ie. 6pm will come and go and won't realise (whether in the office or at home) and so on office days he's home around 9pm/10pm whereas at least when he's working from home he is literally in the house at 6pm. It isn't a workload thing, he just gets really into his work. People in his team don't work all round the clock etc.

Edit: and what I mean by this is, I don't expect him to be available during core work hours when he's working from home but at least he will be available a lot sooner than when he's in the office ie. after 6pm

Edited

He sounds ND.

Sounds frustrating but great that when he looked at the text he offered to come home. Perhaps this will give some points to reflect on for both of your routines and when you are next unwell to make life a bit smoother

2jacqi · 15/11/2023 18:38

@lavenderdillydilly sorry but you sound like the reason why many employers state that wfm does not work!! how can your DP help you if he is working????

Ppzd · 15/11/2023 18:38

He seems super selfish. Wfh when he can't be bother to wake up in time, but if it's to help you out, he's out of the door without a word!? Also, me and my partner wfh too most days, and often until late at night as we have a toddler and tend to catch up with more work after she's in bed. Neither me or my partner would leave a mess for the other one to clear up, that's so disrespectful. I'd tell him that you need the help when you're unwell, and that he still has to clear his mess when wfh as he's not a child and you're not his mom/his cleaner.

Ppzd · 15/11/2023 18:45

The whole point of wfh a lot/most of the time is that you manage your time around your home and family life and still fulfil your targets and work demands. There are plenty of ppl who go to the office every day and who slack, and plenty of ppl who wfh full time and exceed expectations and targets. Where you work doesn't change your work ethic. I do tend to do most of my work when my kid is at nursery and in bed, which means I'd do different hours but still get all of my work done and more when needed. It's also part of being a family that if your coparent is ill and needs help, you step in, even if that means you take some time off, or work later/different hours if your job allows (which seems to be the case. I'm afraid that for most people, having kids mean that your work and work commitments change, at least in the first few years, that's just how it is.

Original poster

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 18:58

I think I am going to make another thread about all the little symptoms that people are saying could be indicators of DH having ADHD or be ND. I've made other threads in the past about different things and people have called him chaotic or might have ADHD.

In terms of his oversleeping and bad work ethic. DH did very well in a career for about 16years, all one firm, very intense, late nights etc. He quit the entire lifestyle as he wanted to meet someone and settle down and felt his career was preventing them. He moved into a job where his seniority meant he could coast. He was made redundant and was unemployed for just over a year. Then he temped for a for bit and now he's working this job that isn't quite right because money basically and DC was here too. And he's probably just not in work mode anymore and possibly depressed.

OP posts:

ApiratesaysYarrr · 15/11/2023 19:05

I think YABU because if you know that he is struggling to make his quota of travelling into the office days, then I wouldn't be encouraging him to stay at home.

Plus ideally, even with another adult to look after a small child, they may be a lot more grizzly/whiny/clingy than usual if unwell, and so are likely to be more distracting if WFH.

AbbeyGailsParty · 15/11/2023 19:07

if he created the mess in the evening he should have cleared it up before going to bed/work.
Not WFH I could get over as it was never a thing when I and DH worked, we had jobs you could only do in person anyway.

Sounds like you might need antibiotics for your tooth so maybe see dr or dentist asap.

Loubelou14 · 15/11/2023 19:07

I'd be more upset he didn't check I was ok and despite knowing I wasn't well left mess for me to clean.

Magnoliafarm · 15/11/2023 19:12

When my kid was 7 months old, when he had bad nights my partner would do all the wake ups from 2am onwards. Or when the sleep was really bad he would literally get up for the day at 2 or 3 before going to work for the day at 7am just so I could get a decent stint of sleep in. He just went to bed straight after dinner to get 6 hours in. It doesn't sound very equal at all. Who is the higher earner when you go back to work?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/11/2023 19:16

Two separate issues but I'd be making a heck of a lot of noise every morning while he was oversleeping

Original poster

lavenderdillydilly · 15/11/2023 19:18

Magnoliafarm · 15/11/2023 19:12

DH is the higher earner

OP posts:

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